Published June 7, 2008
I'm sorry if it isn't very good, I'm really a beginner poet. And I can only write decent poetry when I'm depressed. This poetry was originally published on the web by me on one of my many sites, the one were this was originally published is: www.freewebs.com/theringoftruth/
My Sorrow
I sit here waiting,
Waiting, waiting,
Waiting for a kind word,
A smile,
Anything lacking mockery.
Why do they shun me?
Why am I scorned?
Because I was chosen,
I shall speak not a word,
I shall sit silently......
My Nonexistent Death
I sit here,
They enjoy their lifes,
Yet I am dying,
Inside, I am dying,
So I shall stay here,
In my Sorrow,
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Being depressed is tough but writing about it is tougher and when depressed you tend to gurgle out emotions that sound great to you or very true to what you are feeling but when others read it it comes across as just "another one of those depressed poems".
Take a step back and reread what you wrote. The descriptions aren't there and so your audience isn't there. You have to show a reason for emotion otherwise everyone doesn't know why this is the way someone is feeling and so can't relate at all. More important than the emotion, when you want to make your reader feel is presenting an adequate event for it. Yet more important than the events are the emotions and ideas. But you need the events to get there. Somewhat of a conundrum, huh? But don't just feel, show. No one feels without a stimulus.
Ultimately? Show don't tell. I find the poem itself a non-entity.
So there are two poems, I suppose? Let's see...
This line was full of long words that felt strange after the very short previous line. But maybe that was the point?
No need for so many points, three is enough.
I'm afraid the title is more than the poem itself...
Finish the sentence with a point. Is "sorrow" capitalized intentionally?
These were both very depressing, like you said. Expansion would make good for both of them. In the future, I advise you to post only one poem at a time. Or didn't you want to lose so many points?
See you around,
Demeter xx