Fragments, Chapter One: Escape (Unfinished and revised)

I didn't read the other reviews, so I may say some stuff other people said.

Sam could hear it gorging on the last unfortunate person dropped into the Pit

Add "itself" after "gorging". It feels better. Nice opening, by the way.

as she was moving for the who knows whatth time

There's a typo in "what".

When she had first decided her age, she said she was eight.

The problem with this is that we don't know if she's right or not. There's no proof of her age, so what makes her right? Also, How would she know what day her birthday was or how many years had passed if she claimed not to know how long she'd been imprisoned? She can't remember.

and that way she got to have the excitement of almost being a teenager

I just think it's weird she's totally stoked to be a teenager while imprisoned. It makes no difference since she's imprisoned, so it's basically the same. Not much changes.

She had been moved here a month ago from another prison, terrible, but not nearly as bad as the one she was in now.

You already said this nearly word for word towards the top of the last paragraph. The only difference was that you didn't specify when it had happened the first time, which is good, because once again, this girl shouldn't know how long she'd been there, according to you.

That was how life had been, as far as she could remember; moving from one place to the next, not knowing who she was, who her parents were, not anything

You said this sentence already too.

Then it dawned on her, the last victim's cell was just two left to her own! Another one had just been taken to The Pit! And it was morning!

I think you're a little excessive with the exclamation points.

Dranoths were terrible creatures,

Personally, I think the plural form of Dranoth should simply be Dranoth. Saying it Dranoths is just hard. Try it yourself and you'll see what I mean.

Dranoths were terrible creatures, with their mouths full of sharp teeth, their ape-like bodies, and their terrible, bright-yellow eyes that seemed to penetrate your mind and soul and were said to drive you mad the moment you looked into them!

I'm just really picky about exclamation point placement, and I think it would be best if you didn't use one here. It's best not to use exclamation points outside of dialogue except for every now and then.

I liked this. The whole hopeless prisoner thing and the desperate need to escape. Seems like it will be interesting. Good luck with it.

The last victim's cell was just two left to her own.

I think you mean: Two to the left of her own. Ah, a tongue-twister forms from that. I'd re-work this a little more so you don't end up with tongue-twister.

How had she survived? She had been moved here who knows how long ago from another prison, terrible, but not nearly as bad as the one she was in now. That was how life had been as far as she could remember; moving from one place to the next, not knowing who she was, who her parents were, not anything. She had eventually decided on a name for herself, Sam, as she was moving for the who knows whatth time she had seen a little girl named Sam, the girl's mother had called her that. She decided she liked that name, so she decided that she could share it with the little girl. She didn't know how old she was, but she decided that she was twelve, at least she was twelve now. When she had first decided her age, she said she was eight. The day she had decided her age was her birthday, at least to her. She liked how old she was now best; twelve seemed like a good number, and that way she got to have the excitement of almost being a teenager. That was what she liked the most about her current age. The only problem was that she might never live long enough to be a teenager.

This paragraph confused me slightly, and dragged me out of the story. 1- It's all in past-prefect, something that can get hard to read after awhile, 2- a lot of this stuff we either have too much info on (the mention of the little girl and the extra info on her birthday) or not enough on (Why is she in prison is top on the list. Next is where her parents are.)

She saw the guard, a Graark, dragging a screaming prisoner from his cell.

What are Graarks?

how had she survived? She had been moved here a month ago from another prison, terrible, but not nearly as bad as the one she was in now. That was how life had been, as far as she could remember; moving from one place to the next, not knowing who she was, who her parents were, not anything.

You've just mentioned these exact lines in the paragraph above.

Then it dawned on her, the last victim's cell was just two left to her own! Another one had just been taken to The Pit! And it was morning!

A little more explanation here please. It took me a minute to realize she's next.

Dranoths were terrible creatures, with their mouths full of sharp teeth, their ape-like bodies, and their terrible, bright-yellow eyes that seemed to penetrate your mind and soul and were said to drive you mad the moment you looked into them!

Nix "terrible"; you don't need to tell us they are terrible since you show us right after. And the exclamation mark at the end feels like over-dramatization. I'd use exclamation points as little as possible so they have more effect. Use them too much and they get over-dramatic.

Atmosphere: Lacking, slightly. She's panicked, correct? Chop up the sentences to show that. What does the cell look like, other then the fact that it's worse then the place she was before? Was the madman frothing at the mouth or just screaming? How did they take him to the pit? Really make us see what's going on. And use choice words to show that. If it's dark, put a somber twist to your words. If everything is cold and sharp, use description to reflect that in other arias, like using "cut through the air" to describe a scream.

Overall- It has quite a bit of promise. I'm wondering how she will escape, and what will happen later on. The plot seems to be her trying to escape and find her family, and the way it is presented now it looks like a fresh twist on that plot. Just add some more description to get the setting clearer and this will really shine. Keep it up!

~Rosey

Sonlen wrote:Chapter One: Escape

Sam could hear it gorging on the last unfortunate person dropped into the Pit, and she knew it was almost her turn. She had studied the order of The Feeding, farthest cells to nearest. Does this mean the order is from the farthest to the nearest? It might make a little more sense if it was reworded to make that more obvious The last victim's cell was just two to theleft to her own.

How long have I been here? Sam asked herself, I do remember crying, and a dark room, and I think a flash of something silver, but everything else is blank....

Well, time was irrelevent, all that mattered now was to get out of here, wherever she was.... however long she had been here...

How had she survived? She had been moved here who knows how long ago from another prison, terrible, but not nearly as bad as the one she was in now I don't think the grammar was entirely right in this sentence but I wouldn't know how to change it.... That was how life had been as far as she could remember; moving from one place to the next, not knowing who she was, who her parents were, not anything. She had eventually decided on a name for herself, Sam, as she was moving for the who knows whatth time she had seen a little girl named Sam, the girl's mother had called her that.
again the sentence formation needs a little working, the word order makes the sense more jumbled. Maybe.....
'She had eventually decided on a name for herself: Sam. When she had been moving for the who-knows-what-time, she had met a little girl named Sam'
Or something like that.

She decided she liked that name, so she decided repetition of the word 'decided' that she could share it with the little girl. She didn't know how old she was, but she decided repetition that she was twelve, at least she was twelve now. When she had first decided her age, she said she was eight. The day she had decided her age was her birthday, at least to her. She liked how old she was now best; twelve seemed like a good number, and that way she got to have the excitement of almost being a teenager. That was what she liked the most about her current age. The only problem was that she might never live long enough to be a teenager.

The clanking of chains and scrape of metal against stone interrupted Sam from her quiet thoughts. She saw the guard, a Graark, dragging a screaming prisoner from his cell. It scared Sam that someone could become that mad by merely being in this awful place; how had she survived? She had been moved here a month ago from another prison, terrible, but not nearly as bad as the one she was in now. Isn't this sentence a repeat from before?That was how life had been, as far as she could remember; moving from one place to the next, not knowing who she was, who her parents were, not anything. and this one?

She ran to the back of her cell, trying to escape the terrifying screams of the old prisoner. Sam waited until the old man was out of view to move out of the back of her cell.the phrasing is a little awkward, maybe 'to move away from the back of her cell'
Will I become like that? she asked herself. Will just being here drive me mad? How can just being somewhere drive you mad? I've lived in different prisons my entire life, and I'm still sane. At least, I think I am.
Then it dawned on her, the last victim's cell was just two left to her own! Another one had just been taken to The Pit! And it was morning! That seems a little sudden and unrealistic. If I was locked away I think I would always be very conscious of when my time would come, I doubt the fact your death is impendign would slip your mind for a minute or so!

There were three feedings every day, one in the morning, one in the evening, and one at precisely noon. At noon Sam would be dragged out of her cell and taken to The Pit to be fed to that awful creature, the Dranoth. Dranoths were terrible creatures, with their mouths full of sharp teeth, their ape-like bodies, and their terrible, bright-yellow eyes that seemed to penetrate your mind and soul and were said to drive you mad the moment you looked into them! the exclamation mark makes the thing a little melodramatic.

Sam shuddered at the thought of the Dranoth. I have to get out of here, but how?

Really interesting
I enjoyed reading it, I'd like to know what happens next. There isn't, however, much detail as to where she is. Why she is in prison, why she has been moved, what are these prisons for? It's in the fantasy genre but it this in the future, a completely fantasy world?
Some of the sentence structures were confusing and a few too many words jumbled the sense. But with only a little reworking it should solve that.
What you are writing however is good, I would really like to read more

L