Sonlen wrote:The clanking of chains and scrape of metal against stone interrupted Sam from her quiet thoughts, and she saw the guard, a Graark, dragging a screaming prisoner from his cell. He stopped screaming when he noticed Sam, he was an old man.
First off, the red comma up there is a coma splice. The comma is too weak to hold two complete thoughts together; use a period or something.
Second on, why would he stop screaming when he sees her? She's just as much a prisoner as he is and can't help him, he knows that. It could be that he's been drvien mad with fear, in which case he wouldn't stop screaming, just start yelling at her.
The horrible humanoid guard looked like a pig, covered in bears fur, clad in rusting iron armor, in the arm that wasn't dragging the prisoner it carried a large rusty iron chain that it used to beat protesting prisoners.
"Please.... help..." he pleaded.
"I... I can't", said Sam quietly, tears already forming in her eyes. She looked down at the stone floor.
The description, for one thing, came a bit late. At first I thought you were describing the man...haha. Sam should see the guard walk past her cell first, describe it then, and then see him coming back, draggin a prisoner. that way, there's not as much abstract confusion.
Also, if you use 'he' right after the description, it sounded like the guard was pleading...haha.
Once the old man was out of view, and a long time afterward, Sam sat down and cried. She cried for the old man, she cried for all the other prisoners, and she cried for herself, she would be fed to it by the evening.
Another comma splice, mate. Or, you could put a word after the comma like, 'for' or 'as' or some other connecting word. That would solve the problem, too.
Hope I helped!! PM me if you have any questions!
~Vee
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