I've had a bad day,
Annoying people getting in my way,
My shift is over ,
I finally get to leave,
Get away from this world,
And dream,dream,dream!
Get back to my apartment,
And lie on my bed,
And think of these fairytale worlds,
All inside my Head,
Dragons and knights,
And a princess just for me,
I get knighted by the Queen,
Everyone is not so mean,
I love this world,
Its my magical Place,
No one to bother you,
Or get in your face
Then BEEP!
I realize, that's my clock,
Time to go back to work,
Just around the block
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Hey! Hightop here to review!
First thing I noticed is that this reads very fast, and has a lot of run-ons. Actually, this is only three sentences long. I would suggest putting in more periods, or just ending some sentences in general.
Secondly, after most, if not every comma you capitalized the beginning of the next word. This could be a personal choice, but it makes it bulky to read. I would suggest changing this.
I'm not sure if you were trying to put rhyming words in here, but if you were, it's kind of sloppy. I'm not a rhyming scheme person unless it's done well. If it was intentional, it could definitely be improved.
All in all, there were some problems with the way you presented your poem. That's not to say your poem is bad! I quite like the idea of escaping reality in dreams. With a bit of work, this could be a really interesting poem!
-Hightop
SO true except for me school! I really liked it because it speaks truth. Truth about the world and everyone out there. I hope you wrote more because I am willing to read ANYTHING you write! You are an amazing poet with a true talent and I am not joking you have TALENT! Keep writing!
From,
Buddy886551
Hey, Sonic!
Your poem is spirited! I like that! Usually, poems are dark and never focus on the "glass-is-half-full" aspect of things. I liked that tinge of humour you inserted, but I began to feel you kinda took things faster as you wove on with the poem. You might want to add punctuation here and there. Also, when you write:
" Dragons and knights,
And a princess just for me,
I get knighted by the Queen,
Everyone is not so mean,"
You might want to say something like, " I slay an evil wizard in disguise/ And get knighted by the Queen." I think it might add a bit more strength to the structure of your poem. And instead of : "Everyone is not so mean," you could try: " If I belonged to this world/ Where everyone ain't so mean." It's give a nice, jazzy effect.
Your poem was definitely playful in rhythm, and the ending was fun. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Cheers,
Pompadour.
Thanks, i wrote this ages ago, and my laptop is a bit old, so the keys are a bit sticky.
^__^
Hey there. GreenLight24 here with a review for you.
First of all, I've got to say I got quite a kick out of this poem. I found it to be very charming and sort of funny too. We all need a break from the evryday drudges of life, and to enter the worldof the inagination. Even though the narrator talks about the slightly dark idea of wanting to escape from reality and into a world of "dreams, dreams, dreams" where nobody "is on your face" you kept the mood of the poem lighthearted and playful by using certain rhymes and by giving the narrator an annoyed and slightly sarcastic voice. Good job!
I can't find too much go to be critical about with this other than some minor punctuational. I feel like the commas at the end of the lines make this a little repetitive. Other that that, this poem was nice! Good job.
-GL24
hi,SonicRainboom! Here is Dark Knight to review your poem.
I like your poem that is looks like a 'Daydream' here. With a good writing style, I found that there is an element of humor in it.
# All inside my Head,
Dragons and knights,
And a princess just for me,
I get knighted by the Queen,
Narrative element also exist in your poem which has led this poem more interesting to read. I love the ending when the clock beep and then you start again to work. I can fell the strength of your own poem here for sure. And I really excited to see more poems from you soon in YWS.
_kudos.
~DarkKnight