Twelve
I don't know where I am. Maybe in a forest? There's lots of trees which makes the sunlight seem invisible. I take a look around me so I can gather my surroundings. There's a lurid sense of dark which clusters itself menacingly beneath the trees, oozing forth a palpable sense of foreboding which seems to grow exponentially with each footstep I take.
I begin to walk slowly and carefully to make sure I don't trip over anything. It's so quiet. Too quiet. I feel like somebody or something is watching me. I feel too scared to even breathe. Suddenly I hear a noise behind me. A twig snapping. "Who's there?" I call out showing more confidence than I actually have. I didn't get a reply. I tell myself that I must have just imagined it but then I think: What if I didn't? I start to hear thudding behind me. I turn around slowly to see what was there. Nothing. An eerie silence started to fill the air, yet there is no-one. I resume my walk but again I hear thudding. My heart begins to beat hard and I can feel the air around me beginning to thicken. I'm sure someone is following me. I freeze in my tracks. The sound of footsteps continue for a stride then stop. I try to walk again, but my legs feel like jelly. If someone is following me, I'd be an easy target. Trembling inside I turn around in total fear.
I can see a dark figure approaching me. I try to scream but I can't. There's no point of no-one will hear me. I think about running but I'm frozen to the spot. It's starting to get cold. I can feel the freezing cold air going through my veins. I suddenly get a light tap on my shoulder. I jump out of my skin. I turn around not knowing what to expect. I see a girl that's a year or two older than me but what I notice about her is her chilling blue eyes. She seems familiar to me but I don't know who she is. "Hi, I'm Amaya..." I say. She nods slowly and speaks conscientiously, "I'm Porsche." That's where I know her from; she's Porsche Benson, a girl that went missing three years ago when she was twelve.
I don't know what to say. There's too many questions going through my head. The forest enters another painful silence. Strangely, Porsche speaks first. "I know what you're thinking. I've seen that look before. Who am I? What happened? Why the hell am I here? Well, I'll tell you. If I can trust you." I study her. Watching her every movement. I see her eyes watching mine. I start to think: What has this girl got to hide? I wonder how I can prove to her that I'm trustful. I glare into her eyes saying, "You tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine."
I don't know if she's willing to trust me but I don't care. It'll be good to finally tell the truth. I begin the Story of Me. "My name was Giulia, Giulia Moretti but I changed it to Amaya Swift. Just like that. I couldn't bear the thought of someone recognising me. The things they'd say? The things they'd do? It was an accident, I swear. However it doesn't matter what I say or do because no-one will listen." I pause for a second to compose myself and I start from where I left off. "It all began two years ago when I was twelve. I ran away from home and my family didn't care. They didn't love me, not after what I did. My friends started a fire and I was blamed. The fire killed an innocent child. I was getting death threats, at my school I was getting bullied. I wanted to die but then I remembered whenever I felt like giving up, I always had a bully somewhere hoping I'd lose. I wasn't going to let them win." I look at Porsche to notify her that I'd finished. She takes a deep breath then starts, "I guess it's my turn? Well my name is Porsche Benson. I'm fifteen years old. My life was normal, boring even, until I was twelve. I was kidnapped. I was locked in this basement for days on end. I finally escaped just under two weeks ago." I couldn't imagine what it was like for her. I didn't want to imagine what it was like for her.
I just glare at her with tears in my eyes. She smiles at me. "Can I ask you a question? It's just I don't want to upset you." She nods her head. She looks at me waiting for me to speak. "Why haven't you gone back to your parents?" Porsche looks at me as if she expected this question. "Shame. I didn't know how they would feel having me back in their lives after so long. Yeah, they might be glad, for the cameras, but deep down with all the horror I've been through, would they really want me back?" Porsche adds, "What about you? Why haven't you gone back to your parents?" I didn't know. I look around hoping to find an answer but I couldn't. "I... I guess shame and I'm scared. Scared that everyone will know my past."
"Do your parents live near-by?" I ask. She nods. "Go home!" I exclaim. She doesn't know what to make of my proposal. "Only if you will." She replies. I take a deep breath and agree. We walk slowly away from the sacred forest towards the local village. We arrive to find the village deserted. In front of us is a small house. Porsche slowly walks forward but before she does she whispers, "Thank you and good luck! I'll always remember this day and Giulia, remember that whenever you feel like giving up and you have a bully somewhere hoping you lose. Just remember never let them win." She looks back at me and smiles. She knocks on the door and is greeted by her surprised parents. It's such an amazing thing to witness. I remember my side of the bargain. I walk for a further three miles. I arrive at my village where I used to live. I see my old school. The park I used to play in. I see my house. I step forward and knock on the door. My Mum answers but I hardly recognise her. She used to have blond hair but now it's going grey. I must have put her through hell. Today is a day I'll never forget. Porsche Benson is a girl I'll never forget. I wonder what she's doing now? I wonder how she is feeling being back home? Who knows, maybe I'll meet her again in Our Sacred Forest? What seems like hours, it's actually only seconds, finally I greet my Mum. "Hi Mum, remember me?"
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141,342 Literary Works • 674,350 Reviews
Hey there! Isha here to review. c:
First of all, I just wanted to say that as a whole, I agree with Beckiw. You've got a very powerful concept laying in the middle of this- about not letting the people who want to push you down win.
However, there are a few things that I want to talk about. The first one is more grammatical than anything else, but. Your paragraphs.
There were lots of places where you could probably have cut it off and started a new ones. Paragraphs mark the end of a line of thought, or, in some cases, a sequence of actions. Sometimes, they separate a line of thought from a sequence of actions. I would just recommend that you read through some of your longer ones, and see if you can't spot a point where things change direction enough for it to be its own paragraph.
The second paragraph lesson: when writing dialogue, every time a new person speaks, you need a new paragraph. For example, if you had something like:
Should look like:
See the difference? It's much easier to tell who's speaking, and it puts emphasis on certain thoughts and phrases.
Now. As a whole. I'm going to agree with Becks again. She said it seemed rushed, and you said that it was like that because you needed to write it within 1500 words.
Now, I can understand that. It's a pretty difficult thing to accomplish.
You let her running around through the forest drag on for a little too long, in my opinion. You could have cut down on that a lot; found a way to give us a feel of the surroundings and her fear and what was going on within a few lines, as opposed to a couple rather large paragraphs.
That way, you could have introduced Porsche sooner, and without chewing up so much of your word count.
And you can convey time lapses without, as I said, chewing up word count. Phrases such as, "We walked along for a long time, prattling back and forth about nothing in particular" can do wonders. Beckiw also pointed out that your narrator seemed awfully quick to trust Porsche, and vice-versa. Again, I agree. Introducing a long period of small-talk that gradually gets deeper and deeper, until they trust each other a little more, would have worked better.
And the best part? You wouldn't even have had to have written it. Just use a ten-word-max line to tastefully state that they'd been walking together for a long time, talking about nothing in particular.
And then, the decision to return home. After the stories are exchanged, that is what I would have focused the most heavily on. The emotion that came with it, the concept of Amaya not wanting to let the bullies win, but the fear of what would happen if she didn't. I would have allotted her at least a paragraph to debate with herself, and question whether or not it was a good idea. I mean, that's just me, personally. How you execute this is completely up to you.
Then, what was she doing in the forest, anyway? How'd she get there? Why doesn't she know where she is? Did she run away and just blindly end up there? Was she kidnapped and left there? Might want to take a second and clear that up.
All in all, though, it was a great concept, and it's a very good topic to touch on. The execution seems to be what needs a little work. (;
PM me with any questions!
Good job and keep writing,
-Isha
Hey there Songwriter
And I hope you stick around and have a look at the website and other people's stories too!
Stopping by to have a look at your story here. Welcome to the site as well!
I think the theme you have at the centre of this story is very powerful and meaningful. That of not letting bullies defeat you and not let them win. Everyone needs a message like that in their lives and that's why I think you should continue to work on this story.
My first point is that this story is a little confusing. For most of the story I thought that someone had taken the girls and they were hiding from whoever that was and were trying to comfort each other. However, at the end they both just walk away? So I think clearing that up could be a good place to start when working on the next draft of this story.
My other point is that it seems all too rushed and too forced. I feel like the kind of bond these two characters would need to have that sort of moment at the end of the story would need to be made over a longer period of time or through some sort of shared, life threatening moment. I don't know about you but I wouldn't spill my guts to the first stranger I came across, there would have to be some sort of extenuating circumstance in which I would tell someone I didn't know my darkest secrets.
I think it could be interesting if they both ran away for whatever reason and then got kidnapped by someone and to get out of the situation they have to trust each other, which would probably be hard due to their history. That way you'll also be able to show a change in their characters, which is usually intrinsic to a story.
I think if you start thinking about and implementing those two points then you'll begin to have something very interesting.
If you have any questions then feel free to PM me
Bex x
Thank you!!
I can understand about the 'rushed' feeling. I wrote this at school for this competition and it had to been less than 1500 words 
Thanks for reading this 
)
The format is messed up and when I fix it, it doesn't work (if you get what I mean...)
Hey, this seems very interesting and I'm thirteen too!
I think YWS has done the same thing as it did to mine. Did you use spaces to get the speech on the next line? So anyway, the format has messed up because of transferring it or something if you take a look.
I'll be very happy to review this again if you fix it and then just post on my wall to inform me. Maybe I'm talking like a crazy person but yeah...
Yeah the format got messed up and thanks !!