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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

They're Virtually Mistakes

by SongbirdFatale


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

"Just don't say anything, It will make what I'm about to do so much harder." Ripley sighed, swinging the bat mercilessly over his shoulder. 

The victim gulped and struggled against the chair. The ropes that were holding him down contained some type of metal,  for they were cutting into the open flesh of his arms. "Ripley, rethink this. I swear everything will be okay. Just let me go."

Ripley chucked darkly and looked at the ground. "Nothing can be okay. Especially if you are still alive, Avellino." 

Avellino stopped struggling and hung his head, as his life sadly flashed through his mind. Nothing much had happened in it. He was a poor man who was over-worked and under-payed at a desk job. His family didn't speak to him, due to his slight smoking problem. He was an overall average man with a boring life. What had he done to deserve such punishment? 

A look only a psychopath could muster crossed Ripley's face. "Bye-bye, Ave."

It only took a millisecond, and the bat struck him. Everything went black. 

-

"Is he awake?" an echoing voice drifted down towards Avellino.

He cracked his eyes open. The room he was sitting in was pure white, with translucent curtains the shade of honey draping over the small windows. Five workers dressed in stiff white outfits were hustling around the room. Doing what, he couldn't tell. There was something strange about their movements, something forced.  

"Hello, Ave." the woman who had spoken before did again. She had a ringing British accent and dark brown hair that fell in small curls against her caramel skin. 

Ave tried to speak, but his tongue flailed in his mouth, dry and useless to him. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry love. You won't be able to speak for a while. Maybe it's for the best, you'll be screaming less." the woman waited for a reaction, but didn't get one. "Not much of a jokester, I see. That's okay, let's just get down to it."

She lifted up a needle that was right beside the hospital bed. "This is monoclonal arthrosisse. It was used to put you into a simulation of a game our producers are calling Virtual Hellpoint.

"The problem is, we accidentally shot it into the wrong vein. It worked for a while, but as soon as it hit your heart and didn't circulate back, you lost all ability to speak." she shook her watch and glanced at it hastily. "In sixteen hours you won't be able to see, and two hours after that you won't be able to smell."

Avellino started convulsing in his seat, protesting.

"Oh, love. Soon you won't be able to move either. Now let me continue, alright." she obviously didn't wait for a response, and continued on. "Soon, you will lose all ability to do anything. It will feel like a void. Like you have fallen into a puddle of inescapable ink. The problem is, you will be like that forever. No death, no escape, no revival."

The woman raised a finger at the doctor and everyone left the room except for her. "Now that you know, I just want to say, on behalf of Rondell Gaming and Co., we are sorry."

Wait... wait! Come back! Don't leave me. Anything but this, please. I have to go home, I have to let my wife know. Have you let her know?

The woman smiled at Ave and patted his knee.  

"Bye-bye, Ave." and at this, she shut the white metal door, never to open it again. 


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User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 59
Reviews: 5

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Mon Jan 08, 2018 6:10 pm
sjdwrite wrote a review...



Hello SongbirdFatale,

I thought you did a great job on this work. It was very suspenseful, and it sucked me in until the very end.

However, you need a bit more backstory. I was confused about the type of person Ave was. You left me feeling a bit vague. Next time, give the tiniest bit more detail. It will help you a lot. Just be sure not to put in too much.

Hope this helped! Good luck next time!

~sjdwrite






Like I said, it was a quick story. I will really consider this though. I do agree, it needs backstory.

Xoxo,

Blair





Like I said, it was a quick story. I will really consider this though. I do agree, it needs backstory.

Xoxo,

Blair



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 106
Reviews: 10

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Mon Jan 08, 2018 5:29 pm
nightmarenoodles wrote a review...



Hey! This was a very interesting yet quick read, and I enjoyed the twist. However, I think a few things could be worked on a little bit.

First, I think you should give a little more backstory for the beginning part. Who are the characters? What is Ave's personality like? (Attaching personality to a character helps readers become attached to them, giving them a little more of a shock when the ending is revealed.) How did Ave get into this situation with Ripley? What is their relationship? (This would widen the plot and provide a little explaination.)

Your grammar was very good, but as Aleleekhall said, ending words in -ly does definitely disengage. Try to describe with different words if you can'.

In the last part, there are also a few questions that you could expand on, but it's not necessary. How did Ave get put into this situation of the simulation? Did he consent to it? If he did or didn't, did they wipe his memories so he didn't remember?

Overall, I thought it was a very cool concept and I enjoyed it, minus a few of the questions I mentioned above. 6/10, it was really cool, but could've been slightly more descriptive and engaging. I did like it, though! Can't wait to read more from you!






Thank you!

This was a quick little writing with not much detail, so I didn't spend as much time on it as I do my other work.

I agree with everything you are saying and I will take it into serious consideraton. I do have to say, most of the thing you said I could expand on, I would have to also agree. One problem.. I like the idea of keeping this one frank. It adds mystery and a little bit of a suspenseful hinge.

Xoxo,

Blair



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Points: 64
Reviews: 3

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Mon Jan 08, 2018 7:27 am
Aleleekhall wrote a review...



I like how this made me think but there are some things that could be improved. I would like to know more about his character and explain what is happening in his mind more as well. Another thing is to try to not end words in -ly. Most of the time they are unnecessary and could be avoided. Also explain how a laugh could be chaotic. Try to show and not tell. Words that end in -ly make readers become less immersed in the story.






As I said above, this was a very quick write. I wrote it in under ten minutes, but thank you. I do agree that ending words in -ly is something I could change.




There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.
— Ron, Parks & Rec