public pool
cloudy gray-wash skies and
red lifeguards perching, it's
too cold for laughter but
the water shivers with you, beckons with
glassy glints from damp concrete and
useless sunglasses, with
maternal shush, shushing into
criss-cross grates.
trembling, lips blue, you hover at poolside.
don't dip your toes, should
fear creep back up them and slither scalp-ward, should it
force small back-steps to the
warmth of a dry towel and
the promise of hot soup for lunch.
instead
dive without thought
slice through this slab of land-locked ocean
cold-shock muscle-tense, hair unfurls
submerge in water and silence, sink deep,
feel both pool in your ears, embrace the
tight pressure in your lungs, curl knees close.
remain.
open your eyes.
all is blue and whisper-soft
a pause from reality, reminding you
that you were born from silence once, before
your body shudders once more.
your lungs are empty.
you break free from beauty with
water streaming through eyelashes-dark, you
mar the glass-glint surface with grace.
goosebumps bubble up,
blue lips gasp, rough breaths, eyes blink wild-fast,
brace yourself, then
go under again.
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139,299 Literary Works • 672,525 Reviews
I loved this so much!! You really made this imaginable! I especially like the lines "trembling, lips blue, you hover at poolside" and "this slab of landlocked ocean". It's easy for me to picture a small boy with knobbly knees shaking at the pool's edge, trying to dare himself to jump in. I feel as though some of your "ands" can be replaced with a comma, hyphen, or semi-colon to make them flow better but that's just my opinion.
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Overall thoughts
Theme: I really liked the well delivered and yet simple theme of this poem. I've never thought of a dive into the pool like this. You really connected with me though because I've always loved the silence under water. I love it so much that I'll go in even if it is freezing. I love the floating sensation like you're flying underwater and the softness of the colours under there. This was a wonderful piece of work that had me smiling.
Rhythm: You had an interesting rhythm to the poem, though at some points I thought the lines where a bit to long. This two in particular
They threw the rhythm off a bit for me. Other than those though, I thought the poem had an interesting and fun rhythm.
Description: I thought this was the best bit of your poem. You describe the urge to just go back inside to the warmth and yet there's a strange pull to make you go back towards the water. You described the feeling of the cold and all of the senses you get when you go under water. You did a fantastic job.
Title: This bit however I thought you could have done a better job with. The title really isn't very inviting and doesn't make me as a reader want to click on the work. Try giving the title some spice so to make it more interesting and more attractive.
Overall it was a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Thanks for the review!