Published April 21, 2015
A/N: My brother wrote this lovely little poem with the help of my mother. You can see how we're related. XD
One day I convinced my parents
To get me some cotton candy,
I figured it’d come in handy
As a snack,
So I was strolling along,
Humming a pleasant song,
When all the sudden the cotton candy exploded,
And I found my face completely coated …
So I sat there and cried,
Until I sighed,
And asked my parents,
“Can we get some more?”
They got me some more cotton candy…
I really figured it’d come in handy
As a snack,
So I was strolling along,
Humming a pleasant song,
When that stick of cotton candy imploded,
I still didn’t know,
What that denoted.
So I ran after that cotton candy man,
As he was speeding away in his cotton candy van,
And screamed, “Why is your cotton candy exploding and imploding?”
Strangely he didn’t answer,
So to this very day,
What was in that candy,
I really couldn’t say.
But I’m warning you kids,
Only accept things with sealed lids,
Because otherwise you might rue the day.
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139,027 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
This poem is so...cute! How old is your brother? I mean, if he's small then it's a really good effort for him, and the poem is just so.............aww.
Just one thing: The line " So I sat there and cried...until I sighed". In this, the UNTIL doesn't seem right. You could replace it with THEN or some other word.
And in the last sentence, BECAUSE and OTHERWISE don't go together. You could shorten it with just OTHERWISE, or just BECAUSE. Just saying.
Otherwise, good job! I'll watch out for your works (and your brother's)
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
Thanks for the suggestions! He's 10 years old.
Well this is the cutest thing! Please tell your brother thanks for writing this. I've personally only had cotton candy three or four times in my whole life, but this poem was so funny. I've seen kids walking around with it all over their faces though, so I guess I can say I know where he's coming from.
I love the way he transitioned from line to line, with the nice and simple ryhming. I'm glad he didn't rhyme every single line, but instead stuck with a pattern. The bold words actually made it work in my opinon, even though I usually don't like people putting that in their poems. And, for being a ten year-old, he has a marvelous vocabulary. (I know someone already put that.)
I hope he writes some more, and you post it! Sorry for the weak review; this is my first one in a while. Well, have a great day!
Thanks for the review! He'll be happy to hear it. ^-^
You're very welcome and I'm glad.
I just wanted to ask how you formatted it this way. I am unable to do align my lines in the center.
your brother's vocab is so much better than mine xD
About the poem, this was lovely!
Spoiler
If you go to edit a work, in the options bar (the one that has the Bold, Italics, those settings) you can change the format.
Thank you!
Nice poem! It really made me laugh a lot. Is the ending supposed to be about accepting candy from strangers? Just wondering, but even if it isn't it's still nice.
Thanks! Perhaps it is, I'd have to ask him to be sure. XD Thanks again!
lol! This is great!
Thanks!
This was my favourite line XD It made me laugh.
Ah yes, the force is strong in this one. Someday you're gonna have to get your bro to join YWS! ^_^
Haha, thank you Holy! I think that's one of my favorite lines too. XD I hope he thinks about that. He's only 10 right now, but hey, there's always the future!
Yeah
This is super cute. You should see a massive smile on my face right now.
Aww, thanks!
Hello! I really enjoyed this poem, though I will never be able to tell you why it explodes. It's very funny and cheerful.
Thanks!
This is awesome. Tell your brother that.
Oh, thanks! ^^ He'll love that. I think it's pretty awesome for a 10 year old. XD
This a cool poem. It is very humorous. I liked the part where the cotton candy man was screaming why was the cotton candy always exploding. That is very creative. I also liked the part where you warned kids about accepting things with sealed lids. Now THAT is super, duper creative.
The rhyme was very good, but I was confused with how the rhythm went. Most of the lines are a bit rough, and when I read it to myself, the beat was not smooth. It was sort of off, if you know what I mean. But keep working and never give up.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01
Ps. Please look at my poem "Kingdom Beyond the Mountains". It may also lack some beats and rhyme and stuff like that, but hey, no one ain't perfect.
Thank you! This was written by my 10 year old brother, so his rhythm isn't perfect.
It is all right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't mind at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds like you have one fun little brother!
He's fabulous. XD Thank you!