I've never written much poetry. This idea came to me a couple of days ago.
Darkness and Light
No more sun,
No more moon.
No more stars
Shining down on me.
Hands outstretched
Wandering aimlessly
Looking, seeking
What I know is there.
A tragic accident,
A twist of fate,
That’s left me here,
This dark date.
The colors fade,
The shapes grow dim.
The curtain falls
And I can’t recall
These fleeting things.
No more smiles
To lift me when I’m down
Just a sad sweet melody
Reminding me of what is gone.
Then the Light,
That heavenly Light
Showed itself
In my darkest hour.
Showing me,
Reassuring me
That He was still there
And still in control.
He would help me face
Those sightless days
Everything that comes my way
He is by my side.
Dear Lord, I pray,
Forgive me for my doubt,
For my forgetfulness.
I had forgotten that You were my Light.
I had forgotten You could guide me,
To keep my feet from stumbling.
Help me to trust in You,
My Protector and my Light.
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Hi there. ^^
The repetition of the first stanza - and all occurring repetition afterwards - wasn't effective. It stuck out and did nothing for your poem. I think you would benetif from expanding your first stanza - the moon and sun and stars are all beautiful things and I think you've completely glosses over that potential.
Either rhyme or don't rhyme, the sporadic rhymes were merely odd, and stuck out. Perhaps they were not intended rhymes, but they still jar when reading.
I think you could do well to increase the line length in the earlier stanzas of your poem. The second half is longer and more detailed, I think the start should be the same, it allows for more for us to read, to become familiar with.
In the end, you need to find a reason to make me care about your persona. As it is, I have to be honest and say I can't remember most of your poem (I'm referring to it as I write) and it has failed to stick with me. Perhaps alter the above and include some more imagery and think about what you were trying to say here. Maybe I just completely missed it, I don't know.
If you do any work on this, please Pm me, I'd like to see the end result.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Some interesting ideas here. However I feel the poem could benefit from a more regular stanzaic/rhyming structure. One stanza has five lines, the others four. Some of the verses have a rhyme scheme, others don't at all. Admittedly it helps make it seem more fragmented but I do think the stanzas should have equal lines.
However, I really liked your images. They were very vivid. When the poem works, it works beautifully.
8/10
Very good. Your use of imagery was nice and I could almost see what you were describing.
However, it almost seemed that you were trying to rhyme but the poem didn't. Was this on purpose? I'm not saying that not-rhyming poetry is bad, but I couldn't tell.