Published September 25, 2005
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Well...I enjoyed the imagery in this, for example the line about "writing memories on a brown paper bag", which was one of those lines which just gives you a perfect picture of the scene. But I agree with the other comments made here: it's a little overlong and wordy, and I think you could probably, if you tried, condense it quite a lot.
Surely green font isn't that annoying. Poetry isn't all formal, the point is to be creative. If you have ever seen the poems with the lines forming the object that is being described you might have a better idea about the creativity of this poem. I'm not saying you have bad critique. I'm just saying you purposely make your comments reflect that you are conceited. A bit odd? Just explain the problems minus the bitchy part. Leads to less tension.
The only thing I'll take as criticism from you is the green font.
Don't worry that'll be changed, I can see why it would bother some poeple, it just happens to be my favourite color and I wanted to share it with the world.
Too me, it was merely a convesational piece. It didn't seem to be a poem. I guess ot someone else it is, but for me it wasn't. You're obviously talking about memories but as Black Daisy said...you were very wordy. Try to work on minimizing. And as for the green font...God.
Well, thanks for the constructive criticism and I'll try to take your suggestions into considerations. =) toodlez!
I liked this mostly. It was a little wordy though. Maybe edit it some, or break the first part up into more stanzas, and it would be easier to read. I liked how you started with writing on a paper bag but then that image kind of gets lost. Also the scattered dialouge was a little confusing. I loved the last little stanza, about the alien. And the part about putting the pen in your hair.