The
sunlight painted my room a bright golden color. It’s warm rays comforted me, as
it did everyday. I woke up as if it were
any other day except slightly more tired. My muscles were a bit sore but it was
nothing I couldn’t endure, especially today. I impatiently pulled back my bed
sheets but carefully climbed out of bed to prevent it from creaking. It did
anyway. Loudly. I heard footsteps thunder up the stairs. I fell back onto my
bed and prepared myself for what was coming. My door flew open and slammed
against the wall. The loud bang scared a flock of pigeons that were resting
on roof. A flurry of feathers rained
down past my window.
“Happy birthday!” Ann screamed. I buried
my face into my pillow to hide my smile.
“You too sis” I replied.
“Aw, thank you. Mom’s making pancakes downstairs and if you don’t come down
soon, I'll eat yours” she said.
She skipped gracefully out of the room. “Its my sixteenth
birthday and my twin brother has no friends” she sang.
“Screw you” I screamed after her with a
smile that was too big for my face.
My mom and Dad began to sing happy
birthday as I descended the stairs. The mouthwatering aroma welcomed me to the
dining room. The maple syrup flowed down the tower of pancakes. “Eat quickly
and then get ready. I’ll give you guys a ride to school” My mom told
us.
I devoured the pancakes faster than I
had planned to. By the time I finished my sister was only halfway through. I
regretted not savoring the taste. I picked up my plate and dropped it in the
sink before heading up to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I took a shower and
got dressed for school. I headed downstairs and waited for my sister to finish.
She ate slowly and made an "mmmmmmm" sound after every bite. When she
was finished she dropped her plate in
the sink and got ready for school.
As soon as I entered the house, I slammed the front door, dropped my bag in the
kitchen, grabbed an apple and bolted up the stairs towards my room. I heard my
mom scream something at my dad as I was about to enter. I couldn’t really make
out what she said but I heard the words 'City' and 'Brother'. Whatever my mom
had said had completely enraged my father. I heard powerful blows landing. My
mother screamed and begged him to stop but the blows continued. I slowly inched
towards the bedroom, tears flowed down my face and I winced whenever I heard
him hit her. When I reached the door I was paralyzed. I wanted to save my
mother from him but what could a child do against a one hundred and
seventy-pound man. All of a sudden there was silence. I slowly put my ear to
the door and heard my mother whimpering while my father whispered to her. I
quickly retreated back to my room where I hid under the covers and cried. My
little sister ran into my bedroom and hugged me. She was crying too. We
comforted each other and she fell asleep next to me.
My father shook me awake. Was that all a dream? I looked up at him then slowly
reached for my phone to check the time, I had to pick the sleep from my eyes
before I could read it. Five am flashed across the screen. I looked at my dad
confused and worried. "Wake your sister and pack your bags" he
whispered to me. His breath smelled of alcohol and his voice sounded shaky. I
shook my sister but she did not react. She was a deep sleeper. I then shook her
shoulder more violently. She woke up with a yawn. She looked around the room
confused. My father looked down at his watch, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Forget the bags" he said. "Follow me". We followed him as
he led us out onto the driveway in our pajamas. The driveway was illuminated by
Christmas decorations. We stood in the middle of the driveway and waited for my
dad to say something. "Get in the car" my dad screamed. His eyes were
locked onto mine. His eyebrows were furrowed but he displayed a calm
expression. My sister slowly trudged towards the car, she kept her head down
and fiddled with her fingers. "Where's mom?" I asked him.
"Gone" he replied. I needed no further explanation. Dad failed to
control his anger after an argument with mom. She was gone.
We had been driving for three hours and I found it difficult to appreciate the
surrounding scenery as we speed down the highway. The trees whizzed by in green
blurs and the lines on the road seemed to almost connect. The smell of
disinfectant was overpowered by the cigarettes and fresh vomit. Motion
sickness, my greatest weakness. Opening the windows didn’t do much to improve
it. My sister was sound asleep in the back seat. She looked so peaceful in her
sleep. My dad hit a large pothole, which made me gag.
“Keep taking deep breaths kido, we’re almost there” my dad pleaded. The
cigarette bounced in his mouth as he spoke to me.
“Dad, I think we're going way too fast,”
I said concerned.
My face was drenched in sweat as the
needle on the speedometer climbed and dived between the numbers 100 and 120.
“Nah, we’re fine,” he responded calmly.
I wish I had persisted. I wish I had demanded for him to slow down but I
didn’t. I sank further into my seat. The soft leather welcomed my body as I
tried to hold down the vomit that was trying to force it’s way from my throat.
It happened in the blink of an eye. The airbag exploded into my face with a
force so deadly I thought my neck had snapped. My nose erupted into a bloody
mess. Pieces of glass flew at me from all sides, cutting my exposed arms and
neck. I lost consciousness before my brain could register what had just
happened.
My eyes
suddenly jolted open. My whole body ached and I was unable to move. I was in a
jungle, In my peripheral vision, I could see beautiful green trees swaying left
and right in the breeze. I could only focus on them for short periods of time
or else my eyes would start to hurt. I could hear the melodic cries of monkeys
echo throughout the jungle, the trees reverberated with the sound. I could hear
a powerful waterfall nearby, the water cascaded forcefully into the plunge
pool. A colorful bird gracefully glided above me, it circled me for some time
until it eventually landed on my arm, Its talons threatened to pierce the skin.
I winced at the pain. It hoped along my arm until its beak was right against my
ear. It let out a deafening screech. My ears began to ring.
“Find me,” the bird said before taking off.
Before I could call out to the bird, I awoke in a hospital bed.
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137,638 Literary Works • 672,055 Reviews
Hello, Solan, just me !!
This is Eros here bringing a review for you !!
The very first thing that comes in a literature art, is how catchy the title is ...and it was indeed catchy and that's why I am here, writing a review for you ...
I like the first paragraph, where you describe the place so beautifully ...you have given most of the necessary details for us to imagine the place and along with that you have given a little freedom to our imaginations too. Like the golden Rays painting your bedroom, you described the scenery, and left it to us to imagine how we want the bedroom as. This is the part that I liked the most.
But I would also like to mention that the points mentioned by @Radrook below me, regarding The questions that are unanswered in the story ..
But I like the way you have expressed the thoughts and the way you have put forth the finer details in here, like the weather, the motion sickness, the trees etc.
I also liked the way you have described three main incidents, The Birthday Of you two, the quarrel between mom and dad, and the accident.
You have got an interesting story. Keep it up !
Keep writing such awesome stuff, and we would love to keep reading them !!
Have a great day / night !!
~Eros.
Thanks for sharing this story about a boy whose day starts out in a happy way but soon turns ugly.
The introduction describes a happy scene where the boy is the center of attention and everyone is wishing him a happy birthday. Then suddenly he is described as coming home from school and hearing his father beating his mother. Falls asleep with his little sister a his side, then is awakened by his father who takes them both on a ride in their pajamas woe telling them that their mother id gone. He drives too fast, has an accident and the boy winds up in the hospital after briefly having a bird land on his arm and tell him to “Find me!”.
All was fine until the birthday was over. then suddenly the boy is outside the house arriving from somewhere and trying to get in. That made me pause. Another thing that made me pause was the casual way that the boy reacts to the news that his mother is gone. Much too calm. Especially since the father had been physically attacking the mother. The way that the boy calmly accepts it might indicate that he believes the mother just left the house. But if so, then why is the father in such hurry? It’s as if he were fleeing the scene of a crime. Because of this the boy’s reaction seems extremely quaint. A different reaction from the boy is needed in order to make the scene more realistic.
The addition of a bird that speaks at the end seems to be indicating that the mother has been locked in somewhere and is asking her son to find her via that bird? Or perhaps that she is reaching out to him from beyond death telling him that her body should be searched for? The question of why the father crashed that way also crops up. Was it intentional? Was it his way of showing remorse?
"I lost consciousness before my brain could register what had just happened."
Please note that if the brain didn’t register what had happened in the car during the accident, then you could not be describing it.
Those are the things that the story made me consider. So there is certainly drama in the story because it raises all those issues.
Suggestions
Word Economy[b/]
The sunlight painted my room a bright golden color.
[The sunlight painted my room bright gold.]
It’s warm rays comforted me, as it did everyday.
[Its warm rays comforted me, as always.]
My muscles were a bit sore but it was . . . .
[My muscles were a bit sore but[,] . . . .]
. . . . to prevent it from creaking.
[. . . . to prevent creaking.]
All of a sudden there was silence.
[Suddenly there was silence.] or [Suddenly silence!]
. . . he whispered to me . . . .
[. . . . he whispered . . . .]
[b]Punctuation
It did anyway. Loudly.
[It did anyway, loudly.]
“You too sis” I replied.
[“You too sis[,]” I replied.]
This continues to happen during the whole story dialogue.
. . . . to school” My mom told us.
[. . . . to school[,]” [m]y mom told us.]
By the time I finished my sister . . . .
[By the time I finished [,] my sister . . . .]
I was in a jungle, In my peripheral vision, . . . .
[I was in a jungle[.] With my peripheral vision, . . . .]
. . . . as the needle on the speedometer climbed and dived between the numbers 100 and 120.
[. . . . as the speedometer fluttered between the 100 and 120 mph.]
I had to pick the sleep from my eyes . . . .
[I had to [rub]the sleep from my eyes . . . .]
Five am . . . .
[Five AM . . . .]
Tense
as we speed down the highway
[. . . . as we [sped] down the highway . . . .]
It hoped along . . . .
[It hopped along . . . .]
All in all a very interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks a lot! There is so much in your review to help me improve my story
Hello, shaniac here to review your chapter!
The beginning of this is very heartwarming and joyful because it is the children's birthday. The one thing that was slightly jarring to me was that the narrator doesn't seem that impatient to get out of bed, but rather he doesn't want to get out of bed because that could alert his sibling that he is awake (even though, today would be his birthday). I think instead of him being impatient with getting the covers off, you could have him bask in the sunlight that comes through the windows and mention why today is special. It will give the character some edges to round.
I do like the brotherly-sisterly interactions between the narrator and Ann. It kind of makes me want to have a sibling of my own since I'm an only child. One thing I'd like to suggest is to give some descriptions of what the two siblings look like. Do they look the same? How old are they? Things like that can help paint a better picture of whoever is reading this.
This line was a bit awkward and I'd like to focus on it for a bit. With the first sentence, you should add a comma after finished because that is describing when he was done and then going into saying that his sister wasn't done her pancakes. The next portion is regretted, which doesn't feel quite right. What I think you should say is "I regret not savoring the taste" because, from reading, this entire chapter takes place in the present.
I like the conflict that is slowly building up here but what is he about to enter? From context clues, it could be his house. I suggest putting afterward, "about to enter my room" because you do mention it, but clearing it up may avoid confusion later on. Now, later in the paragraph, things took a darker turn than I'd expected. You did build up to and I really applaud you for it. It kind of makes me wonder what happened to the mom and what the dad is hiding.
The ending kind of confuses me. I guess from what just happened, the narrator blacked out and now he is imagining the jungle. Then after the bird mentions that the narrator should follow him, he is in the hospital bed. Speaking of the bird, I think "said" is a bit bland for what is happening in that chunk. What I suggest is using "cried" because the bird just screamed into the guy's ear and then flies away. Also, you could do a small transition for the guy waking up in the hospital bed. Maybe he slowly drifts away and all the colors materialized around him into blackness, then cut to him waking up and being extremely confused.
To cap, I really do like the idea you have going on. Even though this is a short story, I think you should make this into a novel of some kind of. Definitely read over some of the lines in this story because, I think, that way you are able to pick up smaller things and change these things to your liking. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!
Thanks so much. I really like the dream transition idea, It's something I hadn't thought of much. I'll get to work on it!
Well, reading this story was a very interesting experience to say the least!
First off, the story matter was extremely dark, and if this is something that comes from your own experience then I can't help but express my sympathies. If it doesn't, then good job portraying abuse and living with an alcoholic and abusive father. To me, that was the most interesting part of the story.
Ok, now for some critiques. I think that the weakest part of this short were the descriptions. They were very simple. I think that if you tried to...and I don't want to say "flowery"...but add some more interesting imagery to portray the emotions and intensities of the story. I think hat would really add a lot to the atmosphere.
I believe that the narrator was meant to be a child, so the short and snappy descriptions may work, but I still think it's a good thing to work on!
Another thing, I don't really like talking about grammar and I usually don't notice mistakes, but there were quite a few riddled throughout the story. Mostly with dialogue, for example, don't forget to create a new paragraph once a different character is talking. In one of your paragraphs both the dad and the narrator speak and it was a bit confusing on who was talking.
My last comment is on that ending: Whaaaattt????
What a strange and open ended way to conclude your story. I feel like there's more to see with the narrator's story and I'm interested to see if there is more.
Overall, I think you told this short story very effectively in just four paragraphs. I applaud you for this feat. Keep up the good work, and I can't wait to see how your writing improves!
Thank you for the feedback! I'll get to work on it