Young Writers Society

Alright...I'm stepping out. This is new to me, so...we'll see what happens. Hopefully I won't humiliate myself.

Stanza 1

The final line has 1 too many syllables. I recommend taking away "far".

Stanza 2

Line 2 felt a bit forced. It doesn't seem like a forced line, but it reads that way.

Stanza 3

The last 2 lines weren't in rhythm with the rest of the poem - try re-writing them a bit.

Stanza 4

Line 1 needs another syllable to be in rhythm.

Stanza 5

I'd take "duly" out of line 2 - it would improve the rhythm.

Stanza 6

I'd take "had" out of line 1 - it will help the flow and rhythm.

Stanza 7

The first two lines are a bit...off. They're off rhythm, and you repeat the ending of the previous 2 lines. I'd rewrite them.

Stanza 8

In line 3, I'd replace "constant" with "such". It will improve the rhythm.

Stanza 9

Line 4 is a smidge too long.

Stanza 10

All good here.

Stanza 11

Line 2 needs be cut down a syllable - perhaps replace "happy" with "glad".

Stanza 12

Line 4 is 1 syllable too long.

Stanza 13

Lines 1 and 2 are just...frankly, a bit of a mess. Line 1 is too long, and line 2 is too short. If you edit anything in this poem as a result of this critique, make it these lines. Going form too long to too short is going to crush you.

Stanza 14

The first two lines are a bit off. The third and fourth are good, rhythm wise. However, "again" and "vain" do not rhyme. They look that way, but they don't sound that way.

Stanza 15

Line 1 a bit too long. In line 2, I'd recommend replacing "both" with "the" - hammer and nail are a pair, so it's given that both are used.

Stanza 16

Lines 1 and 2 are the same length, but they're not the same as the lines in the other stanzas. I'd recommend shortening them.

***

Overall

I actually really liked this. I know the freakish amount of criticism makes it seem that I wasn't crazy about it, but I really did enjoy it. Make these edits, and your flow will be all good and you'll have a very nice poem here.

This was a pretty interesting poem.
Not bad, my friend, not bad.
I never thought I'd like a poem like this, since old style kind of writing doesn't make much sense to me.
Though the moral was cliched, I like how you put a new spin on it.
The only thing I saw was "heroes" is misspelled in the first line.
But bravo man, bravo.

This was good. I got the sense of a bard reciting this in like the Middle ages or something. I don't know, maybe I'm weird, or maybe that's what you intended it to be like. The punctuation needs work though. You do include some, so yay, but you need more than a few commas. It'll help the flow and make it easier for the reader to see where different thoughts begin and end. And one little thing:

Into the otherworld the Gods did call

Wow. It's very difficult, for me at least, to write a poem like a story and keep it with correct syllables and rhymes which you did pretty well. I noticed "Vale" was capitalized when first mentioned but it never was again, so maybe that is a typo? Also, as I read I got confused with the syllables per line at times (its late and I can't think of any poety vocabulary so excuse my sad attempt at a review). But overall, I really enjoyed it. You have the honor of my first (cough-terrible-cough) review! Haha. Awesome poem.