I kept glancing at my wristwatch to check the time. The seemingly endless lines of vehicles seen through the taxi’s windscreen were like eternally long metallic snakes with multicoloured and multisized scales. I was heading for the Niart Railway Station which was some forty kilometers from my current position. My train was scheduled to depart at one o’ clock-just an hour from now.
By sheer misfortune, I had been caught in a traffic jam for the last hour. As noon approached the mercury rose rapidly, rendering a he’ll like atmosphere with the blazing heat waves and the black automobile smoke. Minutes passed by but the traffic showed no signs of clearing. It just got worse. Frustration and tension teemed inside me, not leaving any even an inch of hope. Beads of sweat cascaded down my face; sitting inside the taxi was sickening. Every now and then the drivers blew the car horns and swore and cursed loudly. The engines hummed in disappointment and some even let out smoke. I stepped out of the taxi, craving for some fresh air. Making my way through the static vehicles, I finally reached the footpath. It was almost empty-no pedestrian walks on a hot May noon.
The view of the traffic jam from the footpath was shocking. Although I had already given up hopes of reaching the station in time, I lost them all over again. Just then something-rather someone caught my eye. Few steps ahead of me was stationed a jet black Harley Davidson motorbike. Beside it stood a tall man with his helmet on. He was sporting a tattered purple leather jacket and he had a tangle of grizzly beard. Spinning a keychain on his lift index finger he said to me, “Want a ride lady? You seem to be in a hurry-to the Niart Railway Station if I’m not wrong. Jump on my bike. I think we might make it.”
I knew I was an impossible feat but trying never hurts. I had left my luggage in the taxi but it didn’t matter now. Twenty-five minutes for my train to depart. Only a miracle could save me now. And a miracle did happen. The man rode at an unimaginable speed on the footpath. He was doing a wild hundred and twenty and we reached the station with five minutes to spare.
The man left as soon as I stepped onto the station and I couldn’t even thank him. Without wasting precious time I hurried to the required platform and boarded my train. I sat on the compartment seat, feeling relieved beyond measure. I was also exited at the unique ride I had few minutes back. Grabbing the day’s newspaper which was beside me, I waited for the train to depart. I opened the paper randomly and found a coloured photograph of a runway criminal at the top left corner of the page. Authorities were offering a large sum of money for his captivation. He was best known for his uncharacteristic helpful behavior towards women and also for escaping on stolen vehicles. The photograph showed a tall man sporting a tattered purple leather jacket and he had a tangle of grizzly beard. Beside him was stationed the unmistakable jet black Harley Davidson motorbike.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,592 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was actually a pretty nice little story. It definitely was quite enjoyable and it flowed quite well. The language used was slightly off in some places but nothing major. The plot is pretty well thought out. Some of things seem a bit random and out of the blue like where the motorcycle dude just appeared from but I think that's not that big of a deal.
Anyway let's get right to it,
A somewhat mundane opening that you have here. Not the catchiest nor the most boring. And the description is not the most detailed. It just seems a tad rushed there..
This part is actually quite well done here. Some really neat description that you have here and as a bonus you've actually capture some pretty decent emotion here as well.
Um I think you need to be starting a new paragraph as someone starts speaking but otherwise this is going okay so far.
Uhh even though 120kmph is really fast, 40km is not a distance that can be covered in 20 minutes. That's just a little too ridiculous of an idea. Also the idea of actually riding at that speed on a footpath is just something that would only happen in an action film but then I suppose this is fiction so I'm just being super nitpicky.
Well that was quite a dramatic reveal to end things on. Very well done little cliffhanger of sorts.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty nice little story. I definitely liked the idea behind it. It was something that I personally haven't run into too many times before so that's also a plus point. So overall just a great job writing a pretty decent little story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It's a nice piece of writing. Nothing extremely good, but it's nice, and it has potential. BUT: By sheer misfortune, I had been caught in a traffic jam for the last hour. As noon approached the mercury rose rapidly, rendering a he’ll like atmosphere with the blazing heat waves and the black automobile smoke. What? What the hell? Don't try to sound sophisticated. Just write the way you would talk, or you'll end up confusing yourself, and the reader.
Good job, though.
Good job!
Only the second sentence, of the second para is not making much sence.