Red Sunset

by Soham

Published November 6, 2005

The boy became restless as the clock ticked forward heralding the approach of ‘the hour’. He was becoming impatient as time refused to fly like always

He was on the verge of sleeping when, like welcome melody, came from the old clock tower six resonating dings. With an unearthly flutter of wings, a great host of pigeons alighted on the roof of the mansion. The sight looked creepy in the fading lights of the setting sun.

Almost instantly the boy heard the familiar sound of tyre screeches on a stony path – his parents were finally gone and he had the whole house to himself.

His nerves began tingling with anticipation and fear and his heart beat furiously. Body trembling, he tiptoed out of the white sterility of his room, which resembled a makeshift hospital room.

Descending the stairs with utmost care, he thought over and over about his decision. He felt confident and determined.

His eyes shone sadly yet his pale ethereal face reflected intense determination. His body once athletic was now frail and fragile. He barely had the strength to stand up. Creeping noiselessly he entered the kitchen and opening a drawer he located the item he had been looking for. Contented, he smiled.

Mission accomplished.

The ascent up the stairs was the toughest part. Mustering all strength and with an enormous effort, he managed to climb back up and walk to his room and slip under the white bed sheets which smelled of a hospital.

The sun had not set yet. It hung in the sky just above the horizon glowing an eerie red. The rays seemed to be dripping blood as it fell on the sad face of the boy. The face once happy and full of life was now white and wraithlike. In those big sunken eyes one could feel the sorrow of the world.

The final part of the plan was quite simple. The steel shone in the red rays of the sinking sun and then dripped red in blood. The knife was indeed sharp and it made a deep gash in the thin weak hands of the boy with minimum effort.

Blood rushed out – the red stream was so eager to be freed from the body after thirteen long years of confinement. How it sparkled and flowed as it drenched the whit bed! The blood kept flowing without the least signs of slowing down.

“Just as the doctor had said”, the boy thought. Last night he had heard what he was not supposed to. “I am afraid your son has got haemophilia Mr. Baschov. He’ll bleed to death even with a minor cut”, the doctor had explained.

The excruciating pain now spreading through the body becoming unbearable was nothing compared to the sense of freedom the boy was feeling as one by one all bonds with the world was being severed.

He gladly welcomed the final sleepy feeling…

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
RandomTalks
Review
RandomTalks wrote a review Review · Apr 8, 2022

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

When I started reading this, I had no idea where the story was going to go. However, I never anticipated it to end the way it did. It took me a few minutes to actually sit down and gather my thoughts and feelings, however I still cannot explain the thrill of shock that went through when I realized exactly what was going to happen. I apologize beforehand if this review comes off a little unclear.

His eyes shone sadly yet his pale ethereal face reflected intense determination.

I loved your use of adjectives throughout the story. You have painted us strong visuals through simple sentences that have a poetic ring to them. The story is rather short and does not have many places where you can actually delve into descriptions. However, I feel you have done exactly that except through a more subtle manner with uncomplicated descriptions that still leave an effect on you. The faraway voice of narration built a somber environment, and even though in the beginning we had no clue what was going to happen, there was still this feeling of anticipation in the air that just made you feel as if you were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The rays seemed to be dripping blood as it fell on the sad face of the boy.

You provided us with another strong visual here. Although, your readers were still in the dark at this point, with this single line, you created a sense of foreshadow in the readers. The imagery, although very strong and beautiful, at once sent this chill down my spine and put me on edge, making me wonder exactly where this story was supposed to be heading. You were able to capture a feeling of dread and anticipation and it works very well for what is about to happen next.


He gladly welcomed the final sleepy feeling…

We never got to know what happened to the boy to lead him to such extreme measures. We received a mention of a sickness, but from the way it was placed in the story, it felt like they had only just received the news of his illness. However, we know that his body was very fragile and he did not have much energy to do anything. That suggests that he was already going through something for a while now. However, by not putting focus on to the reasons that led him to take his life, you have made this piece even more somber. The main character being referred to as 'boy', lent a sense of anonymity to the story and made me feel as if it could be anyone in the world, weighed down by their personal burdens and driven to such desperation. That thought made me even more sad.

Overall, this was a really great and solid piece. The only place where you can improve is the punctuation. But another reviewer has already pointed that out, so I am not going to go into that.

Keep writing and have a great day!

User avatar
edders05
Review
edders05 wrote a review Review · Nov 6, 2005

This is so freaky! I like it though.

Just a couple of grammatical points, though neither of them are crucial...

You said:
[quote]'The face once happy and full of life was now white and wraithlike.'[/quote]

I might have put
The face, once happy and full of life, was now white and wraithlike.

This makes it slightly clearer, but its up to you...

You said:
[quote]His body once athletic was now frail and fragile.[/quote]

I might have put:
His body, once athletic, was now frail and fragile.

Again, it is just some possible commas but it is entirely up to you.
There was one other one, but Ive forgotten it! :)

But really really good... :D :D

User avatar
Sureal
Review
Sureal wrote a review Review · Nov 6, 2005

That's actually quite freaky (although I assume that's what you were aiming at). Not sure what to say critique-wise (I was never much good at this), because it all fits together rather well.

I noticed a minor typo - 'How it sparkled and flowed as it drenched the whit bed!'
'Whit' is meant to be 'white', right?



What holds you betwixt panic and serenity? That is, if it's not among the many querulous quagmires unfit for elaboration.
— soundofmind as Emiliano Achillinus