Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic

E - Everyone

My Kindness

by Softballgirl333


My Kindness
Is my weakness
You took that for granted
You made me fall in love
The kind of love most girls dream of

I gave you my heart
Be gentle, I say
It’s a work of art
Careful, it can break easily
That’s what I found out today


At the end
You threw caution to the wind
Not caring, nor sharing your feelings
Is this what love is meant to be?
Love is blind
therefore I cannot see

Everything you’ve done to me
I did everything for you
Gave my all to you
Countless day and nights
I put up with your fights

Ignorance was bliss that day
They don’t know the hurt
I experienced that day
I begged for one last kiss
As I was crying into your shirt
You just walked away

My heart is glass
Now it has been shattered
Left to pick up to pieces
Are the people that mattered

I am better on my own
I wish I would have never known
What love is supposed to be
Maybe you would still be with me

Our time is gone
I have loved you for far too long
This is my last goodbye
You’ll never make me cry
Again

I have moved on
I am happy
I hope that you see
You’re also better without me 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
150 Reviews


Points: 12425
Reviews: 150

Donate
Tue Nov 12, 2019 7:38 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hello Softballgirl333! Welcome to YWS~ Katja here to review your poem "My Kindness". As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions I make, should you find them unhelpful. With that being said, let's get into this review~

Overall Thoughts

I really love your poem which seems to express sorrow and grief over a partner that left the narrator's heart shattered. They say their final goodbye to this person and conclude that they are better off without this person and likewise the person is better off without them.

The emotion and imagery especially struck me- it didn't come off as forced nor cheesy. It feels authentic and as a result, is that much more impactful.

My favorite part of your poem was:

My heart is glass

Now it has been shattered


The metaphor of your heart being glass and then shattering really wraps up the poem's subject well- the love the narrator feels for this person ended with a shattered heart. The imagery was lovely but of course very sad.

Suggestions

I recommend formatting your poem differently. I feel like if you used stanzas it would make the poem more readable... For example, using your poem...

My Kindness
Is my weakness
You took that for granted
You made me fall in love
The kind of love most girls dream of

I gave you my heart
Be gentle, I say
It’s a work of art
Careful, it can break easily
That’s what I found out today


To be clear there is nothing wrong with the way you have formatted your poem, I just feel bringing the lines closer and possibly in stanzas will help keep the reader focused. Because each line is spaced out and the style is short and choppy, I struggled a bit to stay focussed while reading. Just my personal opinion though~

My only other suggestion is to perhaps consider not capitalizing the beginning of each new line and instead only the start of the next "sentence" if that makes sense. I feel like it may read better- but again that's an opinion suggestion~

That's all I have for suggestions! :)

Summary

Your poem expresses heartbreak using strong imagery and packs in the emotion very well. I like the short/choppy style which pairs well with the subject. Possibly changing the format would help make your poem more readable. Other than that, I have no major suggestions for you. :)


I hope my review was helpful and I look forward to reading more of your work soon!

Keep Writing,

~Katja






Hello Kafka! Thank you so much for giving my poem a look! This poem was previously stored in a different App, and I didn%u2019t realize my stanzas did not transfer! Thank you so much for reviewing!





Sorry about the misspelling Katja, but do you know how to edit posts?



KatjaDawn says...


No worries! There should be a button beside your work that says "edit work" or you can go to the publishing center and edit from there. The spacing can be clunky on YWS, so what I do it backspace while holding shift which makes it go back one at a time. If you meant how to edit your reply, I don't believe you can. The posts themselves can be, but the replies can't (that I know of). Hope this helps!



User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 7354
Reviews: 117

Donate
Tue Nov 12, 2019 5:53 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This poem is well written, and you put in a lot of emotion into each line. This poem did a good job of voicing your thoughts and feelings towards love.

I just have one thought towards the end where you feel deeply sad about the girl leaving, and suddenly you get over it in the end and are glad that she is gone. I feel like you can drag out your sadness a little more towards the relationship ending, rather than saying how you got over it right away. That would make the ending seen seem more realistic.


wish I would have never known
What love is supposed to be
Maybe you would still be with me


These lines are also interesting... but it doesn't really make sense to me. This character wouldn't have been in a relationship in the first place if he didn't know what love was. Maybe you can instead say that "now I know what love can be, with you leaving me" or something like that. That could display a stronger message.

Overall, this is a great poem that shows strong emotions, and I enjoyed reading it!

Keep Writing :)






Thank you so much for reviewing! The lines you pointed out, the point I was trying to get across was that if I didn%u2019t know what love was supposed to be, if I could have believed your love was true and not so harmful and wrong, or toxic, they would still be with me. Realizing the love was toxic and breaking up was the hard part, but later I realized I was better without them. I hope this makes some sort of sense.



FabihaNeera says...


Thanks for the clarification! I understand what you're trying to say in those lines now. Maybe then you could try to incorporate the "love is true vs. Toxic" part into your poem to make it more clear. :)



User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Nov 12, 2019 5:16 pm
thegoldenbird says...



This was a nice composition. To me it felt a little less "literary" type and more of the "pouring out the feelings" type. I hope this helped you get over whatever you felt. You surely made the readers feel your pain too. Try not to make the lines rhyme just for the sake of rhyming. If it rhymes comfortably, let it. If not, let it be. Remember, poetry is not just about rhyming. It is about reaching into the readers' heart and making your place there. Work on your vocabulary so that you can use better words and deeper descriptions.
Nice work!






I was not rhyming for the sake of rhyming, it honestly felt really smooth to me, but thank you for reviewing!




I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights