Published June 27, 2009
A.N. Hey guys just writing to let you know that this story will be written in different points of view and the person who will be narrating the story will be written next to the chapter number. OK bye
A Conspiracy
Chapter 1: Hope
I was so hot! I was sweating in my polyester toga. Who in their right mind decides to have a graduation outside in the middle of June in Texas!!!!
I am so tired. With the heat, the fact that I stayed up all night working on my speech-I’m valedictorian, thankyouverymuch-and the principal talking, I think I’m about to fall asleep. I leaned on my best friend Josh’s shoulder and yawned.
Josh has been my best friend since I moved here when I was five; and he was going to be the one person I was going to miss the most. We went through everything together and knew everything about each other; but now we’ll be so far away from one another, I’m going to be in California and he’s going to New York. The long distance thing will mean we won’t talk as much and we’ll barely see each other.
“And now I’m proud to present your class president and valedictorian, Miss Hope Bennett”. Mr. Bentley announced.
“Finally!! It’s about time” I whisper-yelled at Josh which of course caused him to laugh.
“Good luck”, he told me while I got up. I nodded and went over to the platform.
Once I got there I faced my audience and looked for my parents. They were sitting right there both looking proud and I swear I saw a tear in my mom’s eye. This has always been their dream, their little girl graduating with top honors and going off to one of the best colleges in the Country to become a doctor. For one part I’m happy there proud of me. I’ve spent my whole life trying to make my parents proud, but this meant leaving my dreams behind so they can have theirs.
With a deep breath, I began.
“Parents, teachers, friends and students we are here today to celebrate one of the most important days in our lives. Our high school graduation.
It’s the most important day because today we say good bye to the best years, friends, and experiences of our lives. We’ll never have anything like it again” With this I turned my gaze over at Josh and smiled. He was smiling too.
“Today we leave our safe homes and the watchful eye and protection from our parents; and leave to start our own lives.
Thank you teachers for guiding us and preparing us for this moment, but especially thank you mom and dad for believing in us and being there for us every step of the way.
Congratulations class of 2008-09 high school is finally over!!!!!!!!” We threw our hats in the air and I went over to hug my parents and friends.
_________________________________________________________
Me and Josh met up at our favorite hangout, Ben & Jerry’s, after our respective family dinners to say goodbye. Summer was over and come tomorrow I would be officially be a Stanford girl.
We were sitting at our favorite table that was way in the back. We liked it because it was far enough from everyone else that you couldn't’t here all of the other people talking. This was a disadvantage when you wanted to spy on someone like let’s say, the captain of the football team and see if he broke up with his cheerleader girlfriend; but other than that it was a totally sweet spot.
Josh took a lick of his ice-cream, plain chocolate, and looked at me.
“I can’t believe this is going to be my last Ben & Jerry’s chocolate ice-cream.” I laughed.
“I’m pretty sure they have Ben & Jerry’s in New York.” Josh rolled his eyes at me. I laughed again; I was going to miss him so much.
“What I meant to say was, this is going to be my last Ben & Jerry’s chocolate ice-cream that I eat at my favorite spot with my bestest best friend.”
“I know I’m going to miss you too”. It’s true; he’s my best friend I can’t imagine him not being there.
“Do you really have to go to Stanford?” he asked me breaking the silence that had descended on the table.
“Do you really have to go to New York?” I countered. He gave me a sad smile and went on liking his ice-cream. I did the same.
We stayed quiet just looking at each other and eating our ice-cream cones. God this was so sad, it was our last day together and all we were doing was sulking while eating Ben & Jerry’s. You’d think we’ve just been dumped by the school quarterback or something. I had to do something. I got up and offered him my hand. He looked at me curiously but took it anyway. I dragged him outside and across the street.
“What are you doing?” He asked me confused.
“Making our last day in Dallas memorable”, I stated and kept dragging him with me. Once we were at the park I turned to him.
“Alright, ready?” I asked him.
“Ready for what?” He looked at me all confused.
“We’re going to do the obstacle course.” I gave him my best duh! look while I said it. He smiled with his lopsided grin, which I loved, and nodded. We had made up this game when we were little. It’s incredibly challenging and every year I made a resolution to bat him. It’s been eighteen years and I still can’t beat him.
“Alright, you know the drill. First we run to the slides, go down, run to the swing, you have to give at least ten pumps then jump of, go through the monkey bars and finally long jump into the sand box. You got that?” He nodded and we placed ourselves at the starting line.
“On three.”
“One.”
“Two.”
“Three.” We both yelled at the same time and started running. We spent the rest of the night running around, laughing and having a great time.
_________________________________________________
We were at my front door standing there putting of what was about to come.
“I’m going to miss you Einstinett”, he said and hugged me real tight.
“Right back at ya.” I hugged him tighter. Neither one of us wanted to let go; but soon enough one of us did. He walked all the way next door and said goodnight. I said the same and went inside.
Tomorrow was going to be a big day.
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Hiya! I saw part two on the first page of Other fiction, so I figured I'd give a review part one first.
Alright, the first thing I noticed was your punctuation. You use extra exclamation points when they aren't needed, and your dialogue punctuation is off. It should be,
"Hi Jen," she said.
Not
"Hi Jen." She said.
The tone of your work is slightly off, I find. Your MC is nineteen and, I'd think, more mature if she's valedictorian. Right now she sounds like somebody in her middle teen years, not older teen years.
I'd also like to see more of a relationship between your MC and Josh. Right now, we're being told that they're good friends and that she'll miss him, but I'm not really getting any of a relationship between the two to back that up. Spend more time showing how they interact and less time repeating how much she'll miss him. Having her remember what they did instead of constantly saying she'll miss him would be better.
PM me with questions!
~Rosey
If tomorrow was the big day, why not start there?
With stories, you always want to start in the middle. Don’t give us all this information at the start – let us figure it out as we read the story. Start where things get interesting and let everything slowly unfold.
Your main problem was that you didn’t make us feel like we were there. Yes, we were reading about the graduation – so what? Describe the heat of the sun, the sunburn on her legs, the pressure of giving a speech. Describe how it feels to know that you’re going to be saying good-bye to everything you know and love. Describe it all with all five senses and emotions. This story is very flat – give it depth.
Also, spell check. I see your little sister was able to point out your mistakes, which means it was most likely laziness on your part. Clean it up – be proud of your work.
(And isn’t Stanford in Connecticut?)
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415
HI BLUE!!!! You made hope's perkiness and silliness shine trough. (its a good thing hope)
Anyways I just wanted to say that I really liked it and am dying for the next chapter. And look out for the typos. The sweeties here are ruthless. Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blue! Loved it! Really I did. I'll look forward for the next one. You better post it soon... or else
. You know what that means!
(You know what that means!)
As for a review... Well you got lucky deary!
The only thing I have to say for your sake here is that they dont like when we do this !!!!!! Face it bubbles they're strick.
Yay! It was awesome. It made me really sad, too. I swear I almost cried. Ha ha. Anyway, I think you did a really good job. Leave it to you to put a speech there. Anyway, today I'm not going to review your work because I'm in a good mood today. Although, I'll tell you to be careful with your commas and spelling, just to be mean... no, I'm kidding. I'm no professional! Anyway, just so you know I will be posting the first chapter of Lithium tomorrow. I'm going to try to post every other day. I'm glad that you liked. Maybe you can help me with tomorrow. Overall, I liked this chapter; I think is was super cute. Can't wait for your next post!
Hello! The story is awsome! (Just as I suspected) But sense I'm your little sister I will be pointing out your mistakes. (Muhahahahaha!!!!!) Ready? Okay!:
You need a comma next to he told me.
I think you mean moms and dads
You need a comma next to he asked me.
You need a comma next to asked me.
I think you mean beat him. Unless you want to beat him with a bat. Which I totally understand.
That's it. And understand that I'm only coing this because I love you. And because I know you'd hate it.
Awsome!!!!!!!!!
wookielover17
May the force be with you...
Hey! Basket here and I will be reviewing your piece today, I hope you don't mind! Okay, the things I corrected/will be correcting are in bold within the quotation boxes we can do here.
Sound good? Great. Lets go.
Stick to one exclamation point.
One exclamation point.
That doesn't need to be capitalized.
they're.
And how does Hope feel about this? We know her parents want her to be a doctor, ut what does she want?
I would personally change "mom and dad" to "to our parents and gaurdians", since, one, she can't only be talking about her mom and dad, and two, not everyone has parents.
One exclamation point.
Josh and I.
"couldn't't" to "couldn't".
"I know, I'm going to miss you, too."
It’s true; he’s my best friend I can’t imagine him not being there.
[/quote]he asked me, breaking the silence that had descended on the table.[/quote]
licking
"beat".
And, there's going to be repatition. Change up one of the "beat"s to something else.
I'm assuming they're saying this back and forth? Give some description, the anticipation.
This was interesting...
I'm curious to see what happens next!
You had quite a few grammar errors which could have simply been fixed through a simple read through.
Not too many spelling mistakes, which is good.
You have great potential, so keep it up!
-Basket-