NOOPE

Hey SoVirgoMaleke,

Nice to meet you.

I'm here to review your writing. First off, I got to say way to start a unique fantasy. Creating a separate world full of all our thought up creations is different than the other things I've seen. Usually I just see that our world is covered with the fantasy we create, so like, Greek gods in Chicago and things like that. The Iron Druid series put them somewhere in New Mexico I think. So yeah, good job with the set up, I like it.

Now onto the things that I can see need improvement right off the bat. The descriptions are killing me. When you're writing descriptions, you've got to work them into the story through something that is happening in the story. It doesn't matter what color shirt they have on, or what their eye color is if it's not relevant to the story. If it's relevant because the eye color is weird and they get picked on, then it's relevant, and should be added in when they look at someone, or someone picks on them for their eye color. Otherwise, it just doesn't matter to a story as a whole.

The reason being, it's not useful information to move the plot forward. If it's not moving the plot forward, it's just dragging the reader down with details they're never going to have to use. Only things which are going to be used later in the story should be used. If they're going to be bleeding out and no one notices because their shirt is black, then fine, add in that the shirt is black when they somehow interact with said shirt, like "I wiped my hands on my black shirt," rather than "I was wearing a black shirt and tight skinny dark blue jeans with patches all over them proclaiming my love for an irrelevant band in ten years." sort of thing.

You can keep the story modern by not covering fashion. If you cover fashion, then it can easily fall out of date just by a change in fashion. So, that's my major point for this review. Only discuss details that are relevant to the story or move the plot along and do so while interacting with the world.

I hope this helps!

Aley

Hello hello~!

Well, this was a wild ride. Let's start at the top and work our way down, shall we?

So, I understand that this written from the character's point of view, but what is this writing supposed to be? A journal? A blog? Some other kind of writing? Is it for herself or for someone else to read? I'm getting a more public vibe from this, like she wants to tell the world about it, but if so, it feels like there is a lot of extraneous information going in. Like, why would we follow the friends' conversations on the way in? If the point is the sexytiems, then why have the lead up involving the trip with other people? If the idea is to actually have a full-on story (looks like a tie-in to your other story Wantasy?) then why have devoted most of the story to just the sexytiems? I totally think PWP is valid in and of itself, but there seems to be a lot of plot in this porn without plot, or a lot of porn in this plot. Just not really sure what you were going for is all.

Also, this feels very... written for a story that's from a participant in it. Going through little moments as they happen is not really something that rings true as something someone wrote about later. Is it supposed to be something actually written by the character or just a first-person story, following the character's thoughts? From your author's note, it seems like the first one. If so, there's a lot of stuff like dialogue that looks like it was written as a story, but also quite a bit of asides like it was written as a blog post remembering it later. I dunno, it just felt inconsistent.

Now, on to the juicy bits.

So, is Mekalas a virgin? Or is Maya? Or is that just my imagination? Somewhere, I seem to remember that being a thing. If so (and if I'm wrong, feel free to ignore these comments), she seems really damn experienced. Sex can be complicated and awkward, especially with toys, and I was kind of pulled out of the immersion whenever I thought about that. I know stories can be a bit more prettied up, but when things like awkwardness with the lube happen (which honestly made me smile) but then they're humping away like professionally trained bunnies, it was a weird juxtaposition. Also, that dildo sounds pretty damn huge for some folks who have never used something like that before, just saying.

Also, four and a half hours? Holy cow, that's a lot of sexing. Normally, like, twenty minutes is a long session? After that, even with lube, there's going to be chafing, oversensitivity and just plain exhaustion. Sex is a lot of physical activity, and there's elevated heart rate and just plain body fluid loss to keep track of. Four hours, with no breaks, would have them both hospitalized from lack of recharge. Maybe breaking up the sex a little bit, mentioning how tired they might be, something? It just comes across a bit unrealistic if they're not both superhuman. >.<

More things that make it kind of hard to believe the sex are small details that are really important. The amount of female ejaculation here is a little odd. Plenty of ladies squirt, but it isn't super common, and orgasms for women don't otherwise have much of anything coming out. Sure, there's natural lubrication and stuff, but that's not specific to orgasming, and so when I see it described as "cum," I have to tilt my head and wonder exactly what's going on.

The timing was a bit hard to follow. At first, I thought this was all one session, then it seemed like there were multiple days, but then maybe those were retrospective? I dunno exactly when all of this took place is the point. Clarifying that a little bit would help the story flow better, methinks, and maybe eliminate some of the "how long have they been having sex for?" questions.

Overall, there were also some spelling issues, things like "soar" for "sore" and "hyperventilation" when you meant "hyperventilating," stuff that can be easily caught with a read-through. Going through and fixing those up will add a lot of polish to the story, since the typos right now are kind of distracting.

Hoo, this review is getting really long now, so I'll say toodle-oo for now. If you want any more follow-up though, let me know!

~Gryph

Now first off I have to say sorry because I would have to skip mature contents in your work, and I may not actually understand them if I actually read them. Here are my apologies, So sorry for that!

This is a long story, and I recommend you, as reviewers of your last work had done, to break it up into parts. Cutting it in halves would already be great. Personally, I think you might get more reviews and pieces of advice if you upload your work in more parts.

I am going to comment on your work as I read through the whole of it. Let's get started.

To me the first few paragraphs where you introduce your characters are not really necessary. You can always put in a few details as the story flows, rather than putting the chunks of information in your readers' head. Perhaps describing them talk in the express? You can always describe their features as you record them talking, and yet the plot can still move smoothly. How will the place they originally live in affect the plot? If you want to demonstrate the personality and reactions of your characters, have them talk something more closely related to the plot.

Another point you may want to fix is the use of emoticons in your work. This is not really like texting with your mate, and it is rather weird to see brackets and arrows while you are reading. You can always choose to describe emotions and feelings through words.

I notice your frequent use of modal verbs. Most of the time they can be omitted. Simply use past tense, in places like:

He said almost bragging. Kitkat's jaw [italics]would[/italics] drop, and she ...

She would place her luggage on the round, and only table near the door.