Young Writers Society

Heeey I'm here to hunt memories but mostly to review this story~
This is my thoughts on the stories and it's all honest.

Grammar? I don't do reviews on that. I review content.

NEXT!

The writing style is something I admire in works because it defines the author. This has a good writing style, and the fantasy world is really amazing, however I may not be the targeted audience. But I have to admit, the writing style is what got me hooked.

The thing I felt was not for me was the 'telling'. I'm not sure but I prefer stories that show readers what's happening/what things are rather than telling them. Though, you can 'tell' the readers, it's just not what I prefer, I guess.

No matter how much I try to not include this in my review, I'm going to include it anyways. The writing style got me hooked and all that jazz because I was interested in this story and what is in it (I like fantasy stories. They were the first stories I liked. Ever), but the long paragraphs kept pushing me away. I know, people have already said that, but I just wanted to tell you how I feel.

Now, no matter what I say, please keep on writing. I want to see more of your writing because things like this make me admire the writing world even more. People like you inspire me to improve my own writing and my voice. I'm still having trouble finding mine, and you just gave me some boost to start working on it.

I hope you write stuff that reveals your voice more. I like it. Please. :3

I actually managed to read it all in one day XD YAY

Anyway, hey SoVirgo, I is here to review your story :3

This has so much fantasy content, and it's so complex and interesting. The little bits that told me about each creature throughout the story were pretty sweet ^-^ I got to learn new things, so yay to education!

I like the idea of the character thingymajiggy before the story starts, but I like finding out about the character throughout reading the story, as then whatever image I had in my head of the character may end up changing, which is what I really like, but here there's this thing telling me everything and I'm like "oh, okay then". It's not a bad thing, because some people might like it, it's just my personal preference is all!

Also, one thing I'd like to ask... why all the italics? XD nothing wrong with it, I'm just used to reading stuff in normal text, with italics used to emphasise something or for showing what a character is thinking.

I quite like how you've put all the chapters into one thing, instead of releasing everything in separate publications is that just to save points, because that's pretty clever XD

Thorn, as a character, is super awesome ^-^ your descriptions of her are on point and I can easily imagine her in my head

Your story overall (so far) is so epic and I can't wait to find out what happens next!

Keep writing!

Huggles from BornLoser ^.^

Hi, sorry it took me so long! Here's my review:

Your story is really imaginative and fantasy-tastic. Your writing style is really unique; I have never seen anything like it. It's really interesting that way. I really like your characters. They are really imaginative and creative. (SPOILERS!) I liked how much emotion you showed when Thorn's parents died and the realism she showed when she realized that she was five. You've created a pretty cool realm and I encourage you to write more.
I will admit that this was my favorite part:
'The day started off muggy, the clouds faded from neon blue, neon green, and golden toast-yellow.'
I find neon colours cool and I have never seen a neon blue before (I know it exists and I really want to see it). But that's not the exact reason why I like this part so much. I really like the part about toast. It is a genuine description and a very good one, too. I have never heard of it before (I love toast!) and I was very surprised when I saw it. It was really awesome. I liked it. It made me smile.

You really have made such a wonderful fantasy world here. It's so original and creative. I've probably already mentioned this though.
But what I mean to say is that I really liked this.


(Realizes that this was posted the day after I joined YWS and smiles.)



I know that this was such a short review for such a long story, but it's still a review, right?
I still really encourage you to right more.

Stay awesome!!!!!!!
~Holographic Ladybug

Woaaah. o-o This is really long XD

Hello, there. I figured I'd leave you a review seeing as this peice has been in the green room for awhile.

Okay, my first and most important suggestion to you, is to break this story up into shorter paragraghs. And, even better yet, I would reccomend separating it into half chaptors, as opposed to huge chunks of writing. People are more likely to read your story if you provide them with shorter reads. Kind of ironic on a site for writers, huh?

Anyway, onto the review....

So I applaud you for big able to write this much. Well done, and your story has a good basis indeed!

But I do have suggestions, and they are as follows:

1. You opened the story with a description of your character. I didn't like this. You should write this into the story, as readers tend to be thrilled when they can peice together what a characer looks like. Now, that doesn't mean the description should be detailed. Trust me, a character's appearence, unless the character has an in-human appearence, need only be vague. So, I would reccomend finding a way to write that into the story as opposed to giving these details outside of the story.

2. “MOM?” I’m sorry baby girl. “MOM?!” I wish I could have loved you more. “DON’T LEAVE ME. NOT AGAIN! I’M NOT READY TO LET YOU GO!” Good bye, baby doll. “MOM!!” -- okay, I understand that you just wanted to emphasize that the character was screaming, but the all caps wasn't necessary. Neither was the double '"!". Even without all of these caps and exclamation points we can tell the character is yelling or under disress. I would reccomend changing this.
Also, different character dialogue needs to be separate from each other.

3. Toward the end of the story, you had another info bubble. As said before, you should find creative ways to write that into the story as opposed to doing it the easy way and writing an info bubble. This just completely messes with the flow of the story, in that while im reading, I don't like to have info dumped on me, especially when it's not even apart of the actual story.

Okay, bear with me there. Those are just a few suggestions that bothered me when reading your story. You have a great story-line and basis, but it would help to go through, make it smaller, edit out some of the unnecessary exclamation, etc etc. Trust me, you'll have an easier time getting reviewers if the peice is posted in shorter parts. Good luck with your story, and have a great day! (excuse any typos I may have made, as I am on mobile and the auto correct tends to strike when I'm not paying attention >~>)

Hey SoVirgoMaleke,
I figured I can write you a review.

Okay just letting you know I was only able to skim over your writing. Something that I found that was awesome was your title, like it is super creative and awesome. * silently gives you a high five*

Something to think about is tho not be switching between first person and a Narrator perspective. I understand you may have your own reasons for doing so but it gets confusing for the reader. Plus it kind of distracts the reader from the story. especially since you go LOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGGG periods at the narrator and LOOOOONNNGGG periods in the first person. And as a reader I get lost.

here:

A light began to shine through the dark void, and I woke up on a sunny day. When I woke up I could barely move. I couldn’t see very much, but it didn’t matter because I was alive. I had no pain afflicted on me, and I’m almost positive I just fell off a cliff…so how the hell am I still alive? My sight recovered once I stood on my feet for some time, and a big depletion of oxygen had appeared. I grabbed my chest, and held my breath, trying to freeze the sudden pain. A hot sensation rushed over my body, but not like heat or fire. It felt like I was drenched in boiling grease. I grunted, and lost balance again, holding my throat, hoping for this pain to disappear, but it didn’t leave. Tears started to leave my eyes. I rubbed my eyes, and I noticed…it was blood. I didn’t know what to do. I’m already dying and I just woke up. That’s pretty fucked up. I heard footsteps, turned my head, and there he was just staring at me…emotionless. It was Kentucky. He scoffed, and turned away from me. “You’ll need this”, he said then he threw a glass item at me with stuff inside of it. It busted beside me, and suddenly I was gone. I was consumed by the substance, cloud like. I appeared in this area, wide and free, like the sky but in the shape of a square. I stood in mid-air, and tried to walk, but then the whole room faded and I was back in reality, standing with real tears streaming down my cheeks. Kentucky was still there standing away from me. “Are you better…its going to change you, but the intensity won’t be much. I looked at my hands, which were covered in metal and gauntlets. “What…the…fuck”, I mumbled. My eyes widened and I covered my mouth in shock. Kentucky looked over at me with his peripheral vision. “That side-effect is called “Sailor Mouth”. I paused then I started to laugh. My laugh turned into a crackle and eventually I took a breath and spoke. “Okay, I just want to say. Thank you for hooking me up man. I mean I really needed to be hooked on something because that pain was killing me.” I stopped again and then I spoke once more. “Holy shit, I don’t even sound like myself anymore….Is this my human system working its way through me?” He looked me up and down, then scoffed again. “Human? I knew you were something bad, but I didn’t think you’d be such a piltch.” I looked at him confused. “Piltch?” Suddenly this thread of knowledge plopped in my head about that word. [Piltch: A repugnant organism that lives in a repugnant environment, and eats repugnant things. A truly disgusting creature.] I gasped, then without thinking I attempted to smack him with full force. He dodged it with a head swing then he spun around me press that same hand against my back and twisted lightly. “You’d watch yourself if I were you.” I grunted and he let me go. Onuca climbed out of a bush and growled at Ken. He jumped in front of me making space between us then he barked. Ken raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Well…if it isn’t you…dog boy.” Onuca paused, blinked then stood up. “Oh…Foxy?” He looked at me then at him. “I thought you were going to hurt Thorn. Ken looked at me then fully smiled. “Thorn?” I just stared. This was all happening very fast. “Neat name, huh”, Onuca gripped his hips. He started to get red, and stutter. Watching him do so made him look even goofier. Kentucky wore a slim Flexibalite. It was colored black, and it had weird scale like patterns on it. He followed my gaze and instantly reacted. “Clothes, change to….Gaia wear.” It turned into a cape, and a different combat type of clothes. (You can command your Flexibalite to change clothes with stored up points and clothes you placed into your inventory. You gain points each hour you have on an outfit from the flexibalite, or every new day. Together that is 200 points each. Depending on the outfits stats and price before gaining will result in how many points it cost to wear. If you stole it, it is considered more valuable. If you found it has no value in till you figure out what it is, causing it to be free to use. Once found out its value will change instantly, but if you keep on wearing it, it will not force it off. The clothes of a Flexibalite cleans its owner every 24 hours, or while they sleep. If you run out of points and you force a change, you’ll end up naked for three hours, and once done it will pick a random outfit for you.) I was shocked, but that was all. He looked back at Onuca, and Onuca continued to talk about times they’ve seen each-other. I crossed my arms over my chest, and I waited. (TOBECONTINUED)

Her name: Thorn Absolute

Her age: Theory says she LOOKS seventeen

Hair Color: Sandy blonde

Eye color: Sapphire blue

Skin color: Her body color would be a brown tanned skin tone, with pale white markings around her wrist, ankles, stomach, back, neck, and waist, said to be there from birth till' now.

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Mystery

Ethnicity: Oloniten (Indian, with unusual look...)