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12+

Brief Conversation

by SnowyRain


“Why do pigeons fly?” he asks and no-

“Because there are flying pigs.” She slaps a hand to her forehead and tries to cover her face from onlookers. There is a vampire in neon clothing sitting next to her.

“I don’t know him-“ She inches away from her companion and leans into the vampire’s personal space. He leans back, flinching. “-please believe me.” she pleads. He trembles and nods lightly; her companion whips out a talisman and hands it to the guy. “Attracts shades, you’re welcome.” He goes back to chatting nonsense.

“He sure was outshining the sun,” he says and Eona is sure Garon’s talking about the vampire. “Couldn’t look away, actually, couldn’t look at the shine. Darn shiny; hurt my eye.”

“Can you stop spitting out memes for a moment?” She would never admit but the Night Alcove’s forum had the most hilarious comments ever.

“Oh dark lady, why have thou betrayed me?” He still doesn’t take her seriously. “My heart has been seized by a Fae Child; oh great witch Aria, keep my heart sound in a crystal ball!”

“Carnaear’s plays never get past the five hundredth rank.”

“People are dumb. No one recognizes talent since the Gylmoire Ages.” he says, jutting out his bottom lip and resting his chin in his palm, his spine curves.

“Aria the Magistra was Fae herself, so keeping it in a crystal ball is moot point anyway.”

Garon snorts, “She was writing the Fool, of course she would write that.”

“Benaria wasn’t the Fool.”

“She totally was!” he argues. “Have we read the same play? Benaria drinks from Demon King’s blood and turns into a servant, when she thought she was going to become demon herself.”

“Demon blood doesn’t cause brainwashing or Compellment.” Eona interjects, yawning. “Trust me. I study Racial Biochemistry at the Academy.”

“Well, studied Experimental Ritualism, and we did a paper involving the use of demonic materials in Trade Rituals, so I win. Benaria became a servant.”

“Benaria obeyed Demon King’s command willingly-“ Eona looks at the screen to check on her stop. “-she didn’t mind, as she was already in love with him; most likely because of romanticizing the idea of enslavement and Stockholm Syndrome, and overestimating a possible Lima Syndrome.”

“Rubbish,” Garon comments, crossing his legs with mild irritation. “She abhors him, she says so in the first scene.” Eona tuts quietly. “Of course not. Benaria says that she has never met the Demon King, and although she abhors what he has done -destroying the lives of innocents- she admires him for his devoted passion in his cause and his honesty in his intentions. She likes his straightforward acts and trusts him to always do what he thinks will further his cause.

“So when she is found trespassing and brought to the king, she is hopeful that her expectations will match the reality. The Demon King offers his blood to her, taking advantage of her desire to turn her into an asset. He takes pleasure in bending creatures to his will by playing their weaknesses. The fact that Benaria knows this is what makes this all the more strange. She knows that he is as manipulative as he is honest and that is the most dangerous combination of all. Yet she still keeps hoping that he will desire her in return, which is her doom in the end.”

Garon is still doubtful but decides to let go, seeing how passionate she is about this work. He leans back, sighing, “So, dear Shadow, did you like our meeting?” he asks curiously. “You spent it with the second hand of Mionso, after all.”

“Hah,” she huffs out, amused but bitter. “I know better than Benaria to believe a façade.”

“Dear passengers, Golyan Strasse. Next stop, Barkroad.”

She stands up curtly, hand clasping over her backpack. Garon watches her apprehensively.

“Thanks anyway. You are wasting time on a useless pet project.”

“Wait- no. Eona-“

“Doors, you know,” she says, voice soft and small. She gazes at him shyly but determined. “I wouldn’t want to get my hand trapped.”

“No...” he agrees, subdued. “Of course not. We wouldn’t want that.”

She backs away as the gramophone murmurs “Doors closing.” Garon swallows,

“I’ll still send that rosemary. Who knows, maybe it’ll come handy?”

Eona exhales exasperatedly.


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1132 Reviews


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Thu Nov 29, 2018 2:45 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello!! About time we got this out of the green room, yeah? :)

Like what Holy said, there's something kind of nice about a simple conversation between two people. There doesn't appear to be some kind of deep meaning or reason for the conversation, and that's okay for this type of story! It's just a conversation.

A couple of ideas for how you can beef it up a little and take it to the next level.

First, there was a lot of rapid fire back and forth and I lost track of who was talking at times. Try adding in some more dialogue tags to show who is talking.

Second, with that first point with all of the rapid back and forth we the reader lose context for how all of this is being said and the very important nonverbal dialogue that's happening at the same time. Try adding in more description about facial expressions, tone of voice, hand gestures, etc. to make the dialogue feel more rich.

And finally I would appreciate a little more context about where we are and how these two characters know one another. By the end it's clear we're on some kind of bus or train, but I'd like to know that sooner. And you can be subtle with it still. You don't have to come right out and say [i]We're sitting on the bus on our way to the city." It could be part of a dialogue tag - "he gazed out of the bus window". Just so we have a little context :)

I'll leave things there for now but let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! I hope you keep posting around here :D




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Sun Oct 28, 2018 8:45 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! Happy Review Day! C:

So I sorta like the setting of this piece- it seems they're on a bus and just having some good ol' conversation! Stories with lots of dialogue also tend to be very interesting- because that's why a lot of people read stories for- the characters! So kudos to that! However there were some things I'd like to mention that I think could use some improving. c:

One thing was that I found that I wasn't able to follow the conversation very well. It seemed to jump around from subject to subject and didn't have any sort of clear give and take in a fashion that I could understand and, well, follow! So I was pretty confused for most of the story, unfortunately. :/ I also found it hard to tell how many characters there were, who was talking, and in general, what was happening! Sometimes this happens, and I think usually a good way to fix it is by slowing down a little bit. Listen to how people talk in real life- eves drop if you must! And just sorta pay a lot of attention to how people speak and what they say in reply to one another. That's a really good practice for all writers, as it can really help improve dialogue to make it more realistic.

Another thing that might help is to try to simplify the conversation a little more. Remember that your reader is literally blind and has just met these characters, so we really need a TON of help in understanding what's happening. So try to keep the conversation fairly simple and normal- maybe start out with something like this:

"Hey Garon! I didn't think I'd see you here, what a surprise!" Eona said.

Then in reply, Garon might say something like:

"Oh hey! Yeah, I wasn't expecting to see you here either!"

And just sorta really try to keep each line of dialogue relating to the other person's dialogue in some way- because it's a conversation, and conversations only really make sense if both people are talking about the same things and such. And then after you have a sort of baseline that's familiar to the reader, then you can branch out a little into less-known territory- like the book they were discussing, I believe at one point. But the conversation still needs to follow a coherent path of give and take so that the reader can follow along and understand what's happening. c:

Another thing that can sometimes make stories and dialogue a bit confusing, is not having breaks from the dialogue. Dialogue is awesome and interesting and in general a TON of fun to read and write. But dialogue can be incredibly confusing when it's not accompanied by the other components of writing. What does the bus look like? What do the characters look like? Where are they going? Why are they going there? How do these people know each other? What's their relationship like? What are these characters thinking? What are they feeling? These are all things that we sorta need to know! These are things that make up a story when put together- dialogue alone can not tell a story- I mean it can but it's usually quite confusing because we can't really tell what's happening. So my advice is to take some time to let us get to know the MCs internal thoughts, give us some descriptions, let us know what's happening! Don't be afraid to give us a little "once upon a time". Tell us what the characters are doing and where they're going and how much they like each other or how much they loath each other!

In any case, keep it up! I hope this was somewhat helpful! Looking forward to seeing more of your writing around the site! C:

-Holysocks





The true adventurer goes forth aimless and uncalculating to meet and greet unknown fate.
— O. Henry (William Sydney Porter)