Mavin's Ten Adventures Chapter 2 [Reworked]

by SnowAlpha

Published April 30, 2015

16+ Language Violence

In Get out of my head

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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"You caused me a lot of trouble Joseph," I declared. "I am feeling charitable right now, give me the book and I will end you painlessly."
"You! Insolent!" Joseph struggle to spew out coherently.
I tighten the grip of the broken sword. This is not going to end pleasantly.

Before I could take a couple steps from the artifact imbued warrior, a great inferno arises from the ground between Joseph and I. A great flame it is. It is hard to stay near and just taking a look could scorch my eyes from my very head.
It barely takes seconds to turn this small basement into a baking oven. I find myself backing away from this pillar of fire.
A very odd feeling I never felt in a long time, even with my centuries of life. A feeling to question my strength to hold this broken sword. A feeling that could rob me of every reasoning my human mind can hold. A feeling that makes me feel like a mere rat staring upon a lion. . .
Fear.

While confronting my own being maniacal laughing starts filling the room, loud enough to deafen the noise of the flames.
"Yes!" I hear from the cause of this.
"Rise my lord! Rise up and take this world with your flame and fury!"
As in response made by Joseph, the flames calm down from a raging inferno to a maddened controlled fire.

To my surprise, it doesn't take the form of a beast or a monster. Instead, it holds more of a humanoid shape. A figure standing about four meters tall with fire being every part of its person, claws and talons take place of its hands and feet, and wings covering its entire back that could fill this whole room if spread.
I can barely catch the form of Joseph on the other side bowed on his hands and knees with his head on the ground. He speaks more constructively and with etiquette compared to the maddened screams earlier.
"My Lord Ardentum, I am Joseph Illsena High Wizard of the Order of Yehedah."
"I ask of you to assist me with our plight and I will reward you greatly."

Silence now fills the room.

"Deception fills your soul," said the blazing being with a long, deep toned voice.

It speaks in human tongue?! In my surprise I take a step back. What kind of monster did Joseph bring here? Demon? High Elemental?
As I try to determine what this being is, it continues to speak.

"I see what you are attempting, Wizard. You only seek my power to employ as you observe my being. Seeking my true name and to perform a coup d'etat in the end."

"W-w-what do you speak of, My Lord?" Joseph stammers out.
I can clearly hear the panic in his voice.

"Enough with your paltry words, Wizard;" the being declares.
"As you are mortal, your ambitions are short lived. You do not possess the power to even think of bringing my own self to the level of your own self. Your trifling attempts end here, Wizard."

"But, My L-" Joseph barely gets out as the rest of his sentence is replaced with the agonizing screams. The incredible heat burned hotter than the being of fire standing before me. It doesn't take long for the screaming to end and the smell of incinerated flesh stagnated the room.

The being slowly turns around towards me.

I do not have any Zeon accumulated in me from fear of gaining the beings aggression.
The being is now staring down at me. Preparing for the worst I grip the broken sword tighter.

"Hmm?" I hear from the being.
I can now see his features in full now. Its head is like a skull with large tusks and horns growing from it, claws as sharp as daggers and can easily rip flesh, and everything about this being is built purely of fire.
A Presence that I would believe to be difficult to overcome.

"I see that I have a spectator," it continued.
"You seem more worthy than the reason that brought me here," it stated with almost a mad grin.

Not good, this is going to waste a lot of time...

I prepare to fight, as it brings its claw up towards me.

Then it suddenly pauses.

Extremely confused about this situation, but I persist with my readiness.

It then brings its claw in front of itself. Suddenly, a serene blue flame appears on its hand.
Bringing the flame in front of its face, as if studying the flame, it stays quiet.

"Ohhh," it announced in realization.

My patience is about near my limits.

"Are you going to fight me or are you just going to waste more of my time!?" I shockingly let out.
Before I knew it my feelings of "fear" was swiftly replaced with irritation and frustration.

"The future has a lot in store for you, Necromancer," the being finally blurted out.

".... what?" I just said baffled.

I will admit as a wizard I am extremely adept in the major and minor arts of magic.
These arts consist of Light, Darkness, Creation, and Destruction for the major arts. Wind, Water, Fire, Earth, Essence, and Illusion make up the minor.
Even having knowledge of an art of magic makes you deficient in learning their opposite.
But lies another art that all the other arts oppose, that art is Necromancy.
Necromancy is a strange art that opposes the concept of magic craft. Because of this reason I cannot learn anything of worth from this art, even if I put decades into learning anything basic.

Almost as if noticing my puzzled nature, the being spoke,
"Ahh, it seems I have gotten myself caught up in the readings of time. I apologize for my mistake." It bows apologetically.

Silence is all I can get out.

"But," it continues, "you have great strength and potential ahead of you."
"I, Magnum Incendium, Lord of the Ardentum realm; will take my leave and spare you for now."
As it states its name to me it wreathes itself completely in fire. I wish for you to become stronger, so that you can become an opponent I can call worthy. Defeating you is the greatest pleasure I can potentially obtain."

It leaves, burned away with the fire it created. Wherever it went I do not know, but the main point here is that it is not here anymore.

I stand there still confused by its soothsaying.
But I shake these feelings off, I need to finish my business here.

Looking at the remains where Joseph once stood, I spot the book within the pile of ash.
Surprisingly, I see that the only thing that was burned to ash was Joseph himself, his robes and the book is left intact. "
I relieve the book from the grasps of ash, and open it to confirm its contents.
The book looks aged, but it doesn't feel as old as it looks. Going through the pages is a large amount of script and sketches.
The sketches are of creatures and the symbols or objects related to it. Looking deeper I do find a creature that resembles the being that was here earlier. Along side of the figure is an ball of blue fire, just like the one it was looking into.
I would like to know what this object did, but the script is in another language. The language could possibly be that for the Devah, another race that existed in the past that specialized in summoning the creatures of another realm.

This is done with, I think triumphantly.
I wrap the book with a cloth, and place it in an empty rucksack I brought.

Just as I was about to leave, I notice the summoning circle and the sacrifice that lay within.
Even with the summoning occurring in a different location the sacrifice should of been taken. I knelt down to study the circle and the sacrifice closer.
The circle has the same symbols and characters as in the book. There is nothing I can discern right now.
I check on the woman. She lies naked, but she is covered from head and toe in tattoos and blood carvings. There barely sits any of this woman's pale skin on her body. The inscriptions on her are closer to symbols. They don't seem to mean anything, but it feels more like it supposed to represent something. I need to study this in more detail.

Suddenly, I realize there is a spiritual-based spell attempting to connect with me. The nature of the spell is not hostile, matter of fact it is actually a communications-type spell. Looking at its nature, I can confidently say this is precisely Essence-based.

Looking back upon my current situation, the timing of the spell rather odd. It could either be a coincidence or the wielder of the spell is watching from somewhere.
About to wave it off because of suspicions, I decide to connect with it instead.
I see the cloudy-mist of the spell fly into my chest connecting with my soul.

Who is this? I immediately send through.

The nature of the spell connects a soul with the caster allowing for communications. Because it is based on the soul; language, distance, and verbal speech is not a factor.

Who are you? I press again.

Ahh, Mavin. I did not expect you to answer. Answered the individual on the other end.

Who are you!? I push more slowly and forcefully.

We will get to that later. It responded.
But we have more pressing matters upon the moment. It seems someone or something has alerted the guards of the city who are thus on the way. Also, the activity within your area has grabbed the attention of the Inquisition and are proceeding to surround the area and capture whatever heretical they can find. It has explained

The guards I believe to be a rather competent bunch or maybe just well manipulated.
The Inquisition, however, are a bigger problem. If I recall correctly, they have about 3 High Inquisitors plus a complement of lesser Inquisitors and hired men.
These individuals are not to be trifled with, and dealing with them will take time if I ever encounter them.
I do not have this time.
But first...

What is your motive? I quickly shoot out.

Come to this location on foot, these Inquisitors are becoming better at tracking down Presence signatures left by magic, Ki, and matrices. Responded by the other side. They have also sent over images of the location.

"This place...." I sighed.

I fold up the leather and place it back within my bag.
As I leave, the thought of the woman comes to me, but I push it aside immediately.

She is just a victim, she will be tried and sanctified by the Inquisition when they find her.
She does not know of me, nor of what has happened here. I thought.

However....

I gather up Zeon into the form of Creation, and send it into the broken sword in my hands.
The length of the sword grows back from the remaining steel, like a twig growing out of a broken branch.

With the long sword looking as new as the day it was forged, I flip it blade down and stab the fallen sell sword at my feet.
The blade goes cleanly through the back of his neck, and I watch the pool of blood flow out from underneath him. As the pool grows bigger I see bubbles of blood gurgle out of his pierced neck.

I have only tossed these men into the wizards, and they have the audacity to play dead. I pull my sword out, and turn towards the last remaining guard as my newborn blade drips fresh blood.

Unsurprisingly, he jumps up from his fallen position.
As he jumps up he swings a knife-hand, like a sword, towards me. With this he has released a blade of energy towards me.

Before the blade hits me, it stops in the air as if held by an invisible force.
Within an instant the place in front of me shatters like glass. As the pieces fall I barely catch glimpse of the blade being returned in full and dealing the fate intended for me back towards its master.

As his torso slides away from the rest of him, I barely catch the sight of a small, broken glass orb where he previously laid.

I see, uninterestingly passed my mind.

But I will piece through it properly later.

I hastily make my way through the room's door. Leaving behind a tale of death that will be easily forgotten through the ages.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Maverick
Review
Maverick wrote a review Review · Apr 30, 2015

Hello SnowAlpha! As a forewarning, I haven’t read the other part, so I’m not going to offer suggestions in terms of plot. That being said, hopefully this review for your awesome story can be useful to you! ^_^

First off, I really like your character names, especially Mavin! It was a bit hard for me to follow at some points, but that’s because I missed all the introductory elements of the first chapter.

My biggest correction for the entire story would definitely be to mind your tenses. For example:

"You! Insolent!" Joseph struggled to spew out coherently.
I tighten the grip of the broken sword. This is not going to end pleasantly.


Your story frequently switched between past and present for no apparent reason, and it was driving me crazy while reading. Present & past tense can be used alternatively in a story, but there is usually a stylistic purpose or something of the like that backs up the usage. Generally stick to one or the other for the main tense, not both!

Next, we have sentence fragments, like the following example:

A very odd feeling I never felt in a long time. A feeling to question my strength to hold this broken sword. A feeling that could rob me of every reasoning my human mind can hold. A feeling that makes me feel like a mere rat staring upon a lion. . .


I’m all for using sentence fragments stylistically. In the case of repetition, I think it works quite well, which is why I personally have no issue with the latter three sentences of the above example (although some might). However, if you are going to use a repetitive chain of them for emphasis, the very first sentence can’t be a sentence fragment as well, so you might want to fix that.

Another issue with sentence fragments is the loss of flow that it causes.

While confronting my own being maniacal laughing starts filling the room. Loud enough to deafen the noise of the flames.


Use a comma instead of a period and BAM, it not only flows much, much better, but the second part is now integrated into a complete sentence.

When writing dialogue and using some variation of “said/asked/etc.”, remember to always include the pronoun!

”Deception fills your soul," said with a long, deep toned voice.


You need to include who said the quote. If the identity of the character is unknown, then take away the with so it reads:

”Deception fills your soul," said a long, deep toned voice.


I also noticed there was a point of excessive exclamation mark usage:

"Yes!!!" I hear from the cause of this.
"Rise my lord!!! Rise up and take this world with your flame and fury!!!"


Personally, this looks a bit unprofessional within a story. Honestly, one exclamation mark is more than enough, especially since you just mentioned how loud the scream was. However, there are other stylistic ways of conveying the emphasis. Some chose to use all caps, which I don’t particularly like, but is equally as effective and slightly less childish. (As a quick side note, try to spell out numbers ten and under instead of writing 3/4/etc. It looks cleaner and more professional in your work.)

Now, the other reviewer already touched upon this, but you have a knack for breaking everything apart. Don’t be afraid to group sentences together into paragraphs! Leaving them all as stand-alone lines adds unnecessary length to the chapter and disrupts the story’s flow.

I have only tossed these men into the wizards, and they have the audacity to play dead.
I pull my blade out.
The tip of the newborn blade now drips fresh blood onto the cobblestone.
I turn towards the last remaining guard.
Unsurprisingly, he jumps up from his fallen position.


The language choice is spot on. However, the progression is so choppy. Safe for the last line (if you want emphasis), these can all be put together to form a single paragraph. This example also leads to my next point: try not to use the “I did this” structure too frequently in a row. If all the sentences read: “I did this”, “ I did that”, “I did this other thing”, it’s not the most interesting for readers. Play around with combining sentences; this will not only enhance the visual appeal, but also once again increase story flow. For example:

I have only tossed these men into the wizards, and they have the audacity to play dead. Pulling out my newborn blade, its tip drips fresh blood onto the cobblestone. I turn towards the last remaining guard, watching as he unsurprisingly jumps up from his fallen position.


As a last, tiny little suggestion, make your narrator’s thoughts stand out with the use of italics and commas

She does not know of me, nor of what has happened here. I thought.


Turn this into:

She does not know of me, nor of what has happened here, I thought.


Overall, I think there are some elements that could be cleaned up, but you have such a great choice of language, one that perfectly suits a fantasy genre.

Keep up the excellent writing :)

- Maverick

Thanks for the review. I have attempted to fix all the mistakes I have made. Hopefully it will be at least easier to read. Also, I have not thought of using italicized words for thoughts or some internal monologue, so thank you for that idea.
Hopefully things will go better in the future.

User avatar
kevin25a
Review
kevin25a wrote a review Review · Apr 30, 2015

This chapter was good but had a lot more errors than the last. I do like the story and the chapter, but you really should fix the errors.

As you are mortal, your ambitions are short lived.

You do not possess the power to even think of bringing my own self to the level of your own self. Your trifling attempts end here, Wizard."

Those should both be a single small paragraph not split up, and you missed one quotation too.


Also here, this line seems like it should have quatations.

Are you going to fight me or are you just going to waste more of my time!?


Here as well, these should be a single part, not split up.

"I wish for you to become stronger, so that you can become an opponent I can call worthy.

Defeating you is the greatest pleasure I can get."


I think you might want to look closer at this line.

The is done with, I think triumphantly.


Even with the summoning occurring in a different location the ritual used would of been consumed. I knell down to study the circle and the sacrifice closer.

Should be knelt down, not knell. Knell is something else entirely, the word you meant would have to be a verb.

This sentence doesn't sound right either.

The inscriptions on her are more closer to symbols.

The inscriptions on her are closer to symbols.

That sounds a lot better, "more" was not needed there.

Again here you split apart something into two parts that should have been one part.

But we have more pressing matters upon the moment.

It seems someone or something has alerted the guards of the city who are thus on the way.

Thank you for reading my story again. I apologize for the mistakes this one made compared to the previous chapter. Both chapters were made at the same time. I have attempted to fix all the mistakes made in this one.

Alright, I personally don't mind them but I know a lot of people would. It's pretty easy to understand the general story, so it doesn't bother me. I don't mind as long as a story is understandable, I have read a couple on this site with so many mistakes it's not even possible to understand what it says.



My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
— A.A. Milne