16+ Language Violence

Mavin's Ten Adventures Chapter 1 [Reworked]

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

PreviousNext

578 Years after the death of Abel. Unknown hideout.

Hmm, I pondered to myself.

I seem to got myself into a rather peculiar situation, I thought.

Wanting to re-observe my current situation, I peeked from behind a wall looking onto a room. My little adventure was greeted with a beam of Dark magic flying mere centimeters from my face.

As I swiftly dodge out of the way from that close blow I quickly go over what I have had gained from my split second glance.

The room is probably 30-40 feet long and maybe just as wide.
Currently residing within it were just about 11 individuals: 7 of which were wizards, 3 hired grunts wielding long swords and wearing chain mail, and a final person the leader of all this.
The main attraction of the room is located within the very center. On the ground was a large expansive circle written in inscriptions. Lain across the center of the circle was a woman, naked and with even more of these characters cut into her flesh. She looks like she is still alive, but that is not my main concern.

"Joseph!" I yelled. "You know how this is going to end if you do not hand me the tome."

"Silence!!!" He yelled back, reinforced with a blast of two beams of magic, one of light and the other of darkness.

The beams impacted against the wall my back was against.

Being a wizard involves a lot of preparedness. If it weren't for the fact I had fortified my part of the wall with magic the beams would of certainly pierced through these crudely carved stone.

"Grahhh!!!," Joseph screamed in utter frustration. "Move to the door and cut down that cur! Immediately!"

Behind the wall I can hear the rather hesitant rattling of chain mail moving to where I am at.

I close my eyes and concentrate. Taking a deep breath, I fill myself with the magical energies of Zeon around me while I gather up the same energy from my soul.

4 seconds until they get to me, as I hear two sets of boots and chain step closer to me. It is also accompanied by shivers and excitement of Zeon being accumulated into a wide variety of something nasty.
3 seconds, I smile.
Changing the nature of the Zeonic energies I currently hold, I turn one set attuned the elements of Air and the other of Destruction.
Let's give this a shot, shall I?
2 seconds, I spin around into the room.

As I thought, all of the wizards are all braced and prepared to unleash a spell.

But, they were not expecting me to assault them at this moment. I throw out my hand and create a wave of Destruction magic to fill this whole room.

I hear swears and curses come out of their mouths as my spell completely disrupted their gathered Zeon and destroyed whatever spell they thought they could muster against me.

I bring up my other hand and throw my hand up palm first.
Whorls of wind grab the charging men, and lift them into the air.
Struggling to free themselves from the air grabbing them, their long swords drop to the ground with a sharp clanging.
I throw them into the group of wizards.

I promptly use the sudden opening I gained with my counter attack and grab the fallen blades. 
Brandishing this unfamiliar weight, I bolster my body with Ki energies and take a wide swing with the blade in my right hand. Cleaving three robed wizards and follow through with the sword in my left hand down into another wizard.
He died as easily as his three brothers.
Suddenly realizing what is happening the surviving wizards spread out. Joseph had already fled to the farthest corner and the remaining grunt took ground in between.

That is fine, I thought, more time to take care of the rest of these weaklings.

Unexpectedly, I catch one of the wizards going towards me with a dagger.
I easily parry his dagger away and follow through with my blade through his stomach.
Before I can pull out, I feel a strained hand grip my own.
I spot an extreme malicious grin on his face.

Bastard got a hold of me with a death-grip.

Bringing my other sword to deal the final blow to him, a beam of darkness strikes through the wizard hitting me. The beam deflects off an enchantment on my cloak as a shell of hexes gather and form around the area of impact. Despite the wound the wizard just taken, he is still gripping onto me like his damn life depends on it. Before I knew it, most of my motor functions were robbed from me from a spell of electricity. Being constantly shocked is not very damaging to myself, but it is good enough to stall me another second or two. Finally, my captor loosens his grip as his eyes rolls up into his skull.

Extremely frustrated from from the possibility of my equipment being damaged, I throw my long sword into the throat of the one firing lightning from his fingers.
Not realizing how annoyed I am as the individual is impaled into the far away wall...
--Now is not the time to get distracted. I break the sword that is still stuck in the wizard, 10 cm of steel is enough for the rest of them.
I catch a flash right behind the dead wizard as he falls to the ground and throw myself to the side. Where I was standing flew past three spears of ice. I counter-attack this by gathering a quick accumulation of Zeon attuned to Earth and palmed the ground. Noticing this, my assailant attempts to roll out of the way. His attempt was futile, as a spike of earth impales him through the stomach.

All the wizards are now dead except for Joseph who is still creating a ritual, possibly for summoning a creature of the Wake; the stalwart guard standing his ground between; and the two unconscious guards I threw earlier. I approach the final standing guard.

"So, we finally face off against each Sorcerer!" the final guard boasted.
The individual stands about 180 cm, head mostly covered by a chain coif, and he is currently wearing a mixed set of chain, plate, and leather for armor. In one hand he holds a long sword and in the other a mid-sized shield.
"My armor is enchanted with the strongest defensive spells and coated in shields of Darkness! My shield can deflect any spell you throw at me! My sword is sharp to cut through flesh and any shield you can throw at me!!! I am prepared for you and my name will go down---"

"Silence!" I angrily force out. Then a yellow light promptly flash from my eyes.

Reactively he brings his sword to strike back, but then stops completely still.

"Y-y-you! What!?" he confusedly stammers out.

"You speak as if you can protect your body from harm and spells. I am just merely testing your mind to see if there are any enchantments protect that large ego of yours." I respond back with a wicked smile

I step towards him then place my hand upon his head, then I mutter a few words to bring forth my magic.I can feel his body tremble as he tries to force his own blade into me. 

Then my spell is cast.

From his own perspective, he can only see myself. 
Through mines however, a large and ghastly hand envelops his entire head.

His body pales, understanding an idea of what is to happen.

My hand grasps shut, as the ghastly hand does the same.
No physical harm is brought onto him, but he drops from his form.
Sword clangs on the ground, shield bashes upon the cobbled stone, and the weight of a human makes a large rattling of the chain.
His body lays there as an empty husk, mind and personality completely obliterated.

I shrug to myself. "Guess one was too many for him." I mutter.

Passing the last hindrance, I finally approach my objective.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
kevin25a
Comment

This was really good, but that's my rpg gamer side obsessing. I have to ask if this was inspired by a game you played. As a hard core gamer it seems like it is, specifically something similar to a 90s rpg. This story was just damn awesome covered in more awesome, swimming in a sea of awesome. I really look forward to your next chapters, and would love to know when you release the next. If I had to guess it's a lot like a dungeon crawling 90s rpg.

User avatar
kevin25a
Review

This was really good, but that's my rpg gamer side obsessing. I have to ask if this was inspired by a game you played. As a hard core gamer it seems like it is, specifically something similar to a 90s rpg. This story was just damn awesome covered in more awesome, swimming in a sea of awesome. I really look forward to your next chapters, and would love to know when you release the next. If I had to guess it's a lot like a dungeon crawling 90s rpg.

Thanks mate.
This is gives me a lot of enthusiasm to strive forward with my works down the line.
Matter of fact I actually have the second chapter finished. Just have to do some editing and proof reading to get it into an proper readable state.
So when I get the time and points to post another, maybe we can both watch the work regurgitate pure and raw awesomeness. ;D

Honestly the story would barf awesome sauce. I'm going to make a top 10 list of my favorite stories on YWS when I get my computer back, but for now I have a list of about 30 stories I absolutely love (or loved in the event it's completed) and this is really high on my list.

User avatar
Moalex
Review
Moalex wrote a review · Thu Apr 16, 2015 9:32 am

Hello! Moalex here, I definitely do not know you in real life because I did not share this website with you. However I do know the role playing game Anima so this helps me out with a bunch. As this appears to have a bunch of action, magic, and because this is the first chapter I feel more compelled to read this to review it. I won't be picking off everything I see but I'll just tell you what I like, dislike, and show you a couple things you could work on.

If it's one thing I've noticed in you're writing is that you tend to switch on and off in terms of tense. I loved the way your action was set into present tense, it really makes the reader feel as though the action is happening at that very moment and not just reviewing some sort of memory. However if it's one thing I've noticed throughout your story is that there seems to be a mix between present tense and past tense. Of course as long as word your sentences correctly you can use both but some could be misleading.

Example:
At the very beginning of your chapter when you started listing off dates and events that occurred, it made me feel as though your main character Mavin is reading off a book or diary. In that sense I felt that the word structure would be past tense but there were a lot of present tense being used.

"Being a wizard involves a lot of preparedness. If it weren't for the fact I had fortified my part of the wall with magic the beams would of certainly pierced through these crudely carved stone."

According to your previous paragraph you were using present tense and the reader is viewing the event through Mavin's perspective. It also bolsters my personal thought into thinking that this is something of Mavin's diary or reading an event in a book because those sentences sounded as though he was being interviewed. A lot of other paragraphs say the same thing. Like this one, Ex: "What I cast upon him was a simple combination of Illusion spells. What I did mostly involved creating his minds worst fears and making him believe he had thousands upon thousands of other fears and unleashed all of it at him within one instant. The results, if you had a strong mind, are mostly trauma induced paralysis and hallucinations to what is real and not. But it seems he has taken to the worst of it and is having a heart attack."

This is just a personal suggestion but I feel you can change the first paragraph's text to Mavin's thoughts or have him talk to a character in the story that has no idea what's happening. Having your character explain what's happening to the audience is never a good idea.

Other than tense, try proofread this work maybe once more. I caught about one or two grammar errors that can be easily corrected. Other than nit picks, I was thinking that this chapter sounds like a later chapter because of the lack of introduction. Of course anyone that has played Anima will immediately understand what's happening but an introductory chapter is always welcomed for reader's to have an idea to what they should know before diving deeper.

That's it for me. I hope to see another chapter of Mavin's Adventure. Keep up the great work.

Thank you for this review over my first post here.

I have attempted to correct my mistakes to the best of my ability.
Hopefully this drives away any misunderstandings brought from how I opened up this chapter into the rest of the story.

I will try and take the mistakes you have showed me, and make sure I do not repeat it further on.



Look, a good poem is a poem that exists. Any poem you write is better than the poem you don't.
— WeepingWisteria