Young Writers Society

somehow i think you were twistedly joking with this piece to see what kind of reaction you would get.

but i liked it. i think it could be an amazing song if it were played at a rave or something with crazy electronica kind of stuff.

Haha well you know the title just kinda caught my eye!!!

But I really liked this!! I'm not the hardest critic around just because I'm def. not the best writer around!! But I think you said what you wanted to say. It makes complete sense...it shows your emotions!! Heck, I think it's fabulous (and not just because it's about music). You become so into the music that it becomes everything for you until like you said at the very end there is just silence!

And list poetry is such an unique concept not often used!

writingluver5 wrote:Um...have to agree with everyone else here. I know you're a great poet, but I'd have to say this wasn't one of your better attempts. It was just too...blunt. Nice attempt though!

Um...have to agree with everyone else here. I know you're a great poet, but I'd have to say this wasn't one of your better attempts. It was just too...blunt. Nice attempt though!

Sadly, Snoink m'dear, I'm with Silver on this one; besides, this isn't a list poem! In a list-style, each line has to stand absolutely alone: your last two lines are blatantly two halves of each other

Anyway, I've never been a fan of listing: while 'short' doesn't necessarily mean bad, I think that lists are too blunt and above all plain uncreative to make good poetry structures.

Plus, you're just being lazy: hurry up and post some of that good stuff we're used to seeing you do.

Snoinky,

I think what threw me is that it doesn't follow a specific beat. The first six lines are roughly, in music terms, two eighth notes, two eighth notes, eighth note triplet - quarter note, two eighth notes, two eighth notes, eighth note triplet - quarter note. But then you change it a little, and instead of two lines with roughly two syllables and one line with roughly four, you have three lines with roughly two syllables each and then three lines with roughly four syllables each. Personally, I don't like that. This seems like the kind of poem where you need a uniform rhythm pattern. It would add to the musicality.

Also, the line "Until the climax" seems... well, anticlimactic to me, lol. Which made the ending seem somewhat abrupt. I know it's a short poem, and you said it was a list poem. But still, I'd like to have more of a build - a crescendo, if you will - before the end. It doesn't have to be complex; something simple will fit the piece and do the job. I'm not sure how you could up the intensity, because you use increasingly more intense words. I'm not sure what I feel is lacking there, to be honest. Maybe a simple exclamation point at the end of "hurting" would do it... *laughs* I think I should go critique something else before I hurt myself. Thanks for the challenge.

After the first two lines set the mood as mysterious and mystical, I don't believe that "Get up and dance!" really fits the setting. It does jump around a bit, which makes it difficult to enjoy the piece. I can see what you are trying to do here, but I think that you had trouble portraying your vision here. It was a nice attempt though.

I get that it's a form of poetry, but I think one of the major points in list poetry, as i've done it before, is to either use a rhyming scheme or to use a higher-level vocabulary and exceptionally unique language. This was just...average, in a list poetry form - for list poetry, you need something really fantasic...

hmm...
don't like it
sorry....
... just don't

Types ---schmypes....

Actually, this is known as a list poem. So it is a real type of poetry! More like a "silly" type, but yes, real nonetheless.

...
Has YWS just become a popularity contest or did this poem just make me want to kill music?
*sighs*

... I'm serious...
What... the... heck was this?
...
This is the short thing that little people do (O_O)

Awesome! Sounds like me at a rock concert!

'Rina.. that was beautiful.

"Climax".. yeah. Coupled with "dance!"

This is for FREAK, right? ah, ok, good, then (I love the new chat! hehe /shameless plug)

But for that? this works wonderfully.