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Like a Knife Through Cheese

by Snoink


Pain wells up in me
My heart is weary
My jet-black hair brushes my face

I push it back

The pain has cut too deep
Like a knife through cheese
Welling up in my heart
Like lighter fluid on charcoals.
If I breathed, I remembered.

Yes, I remembered her.

“I love you,” she said
Her voice coming out in
Sweet clumps of cotton candy
It had seemed stupid
At the time.
Totally idiotic, in fact.

But no, not anymore.

I clung to her words like a spider
Clinging onto its web being shaken
By a stupid six year old.
The spider tries to stay on
But he would finally fall
Before being smushed to death.

A quick and painless death.

I grab the knife and then position it
Hovering above my chest.
“Goodbye, cruel world!” I say
Before bringing down the knife
And gasping for breath
My body going down with a loud “thump”

Just like a knife through cheese.


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Sun May 02, 2010 3:02 am
Kamas says...



This is from 2005. Check your dates guys.

*locked*




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Sun May 02, 2010 2:57 am
vox nihili wrote a review...



Snoink wrote:Pain wells up in me
My heart is weary
My jet-black hair brushes my face

I push it back



These four lines are rather disjointed, without any sort of smooth transition. It makes reading them a bit difficult.

Snoink wrote:Clinging onto its web being shaken

By a stupid six year old.

The spider tries to stay on

But he would finally fall

Before being smushed to death.

\"To" would be better than 'onto', and you really need a comma between its and web. Also, crushed would be more...well, correct, than 'smushed'.


This is a pretty dramatic poem, as I guess everyone else who has posted about it has already said. :wink:

The image of "like a knife through cheese" is so...gut-wrenching, sort of depicting the frugality of life.

Overall information to consider: the only problem is, the poem is entirely devoid of punctuation.


Otherwise, it's great. Keep writing, Snoink!

: )

-Voxina




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Sun May 02, 2010 2:50 am
sunstarfrozenlife says...



The food references made it not seem as good as it could be... but still, amazing!




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Sun Sep 04, 2005 11:02 am
Emma says...



That was a good poem, I really feel sorry for the cheese though...

I don't really read poems, and then comment on them, so you must be special. ;)




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Sun Sep 04, 2005 9:24 am
Dirty_Pants wrote a review...



You are my idel. That R the COOLEST POEM EVUR!!! I WANNA aBe jUSt Liek taht gai in teh peom.!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!two!!!! hE IS s00 HAWT!

keff.


But, seriously, nice "drammatic" poem. I can feel the "strong emotions" pierce right through me. *snerk*. Love the cheese analogy, and the "stupid six year old". Now I've read (and written) my share of angsty suicidal poems, but none has ever been so.... cheesy.

BTW, thanks for the username. I owe you.

please do not use chat slang. thanks.

Mesh




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Sat Aug 13, 2005 4:34 am
hekategirl wrote a review...



Defitently my style, morbid humor, love it. I thought this was original and funny.

"“I love you,” she said
Her voice coming out in
Sweet clumps of cotton candy"

Sweet clumps of cotton candy, love that line. You have great imagry here. Maybe change the title to kind of set the morbid mood. But this is so good love it.




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Sat Aug 13, 2005 3:29 am
Areida wrote a review...



Very dark, and sort Tim Burton-esque because of the dash of morbid humour. I liked your images (spiders, cheese, little kids); they were effective.

The only thing I'd change would be "goodbye, cruel world!" That sort of thing makes me laugh. It's just been done to death.

Other than that, nice. Definitely original.




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Sat Aug 13, 2005 2:35 am
Ieatworms wrote a review...



I love the spider imagery.

However, I must admit to laughing when I read the title. I actually chose to read this because it looked like it would be funny. Blame the inner six year old in me, laughing at fart jokes.

Still, the cheese and the child really stand out oddly. It's a dark poem, and I assume you want it to be taken seriously. I suggest changing at least the title so the reader knows more what to expect.




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Wed Aug 10, 2005 7:56 am
Elizabeth says...



I clung to her words like a spider
Clinging onto its web being shaken
By a stupid six year old

stupid 6 year old *shakes fist*
i could't eally take it seriously... in fact i dunno how to take it... um... yay cheese?




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Wed Aug 10, 2005 3:47 am
emotion_less says...



Oh my... dramatic indeed... Classic literature right here... :D




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Wed Aug 10, 2005 1:07 am
Griffinkeeper says...



This is definitely a new low...





Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman