Imaginary Friend
Age 7
Where am I?
You're in my house with me, right now.
Cool! What am I - or what do I look like?
You're my friend, Speedy, and my name's Jackson.
You are older than me by 6 years, but that's okay.
Okay! So, what are we going to do?
What can we play?
Well, we can't play now, mom and dad
are fighting again...
That's okay. I can wait. What about tomorrow?
Yeah! I'll show you my friends at school!
But for now we should probably go to bed.
Okay. Goodnight, Jackson.
Goodnight, Speedy.
Age 10
Hi Speedy, want to play
'wizards and dragons' with me?
Sure! Are any of your other friends playing?
No, they think I'm weird...
Why?
'Cause I play made up games with you.
Well, they must not know how fun it is...
Here, let's play.
Okay.
Age 13
Hey, Speedy...
What's up, buddy?
I got in trouble at school again today.
How come?
I punched a kid in the nose.
Why's that?
He said my dad never wanted me
and that's why he left.
That's not true, but you shouldn't of punched him.
I know - I'm sorry.
It's alright. Wanna' play a game?
Yeah, okay.
Age 16
Speedy...?
Yeah?
...are you real?
I think so, why do you ask?
I don't think I should play with you anymore-
my therapist said so...
But - we're best friends!
I know, and we still can be. I've just
got to find someone in the real world.
Please Jackson, don't leave me!
I'm sorry, Speedy...
Age 20
Jackson? I'm bored -
can we play a game?
Age 25
Jackson? Please come back.
I miss you so much...
Age 32
...what's happened?
Age 38
Jackson...? Please...
Age 45
How are you Jackson?
Please, let's play 'wizards and dragons'
like we used to.
Age 52
Hello...?
Hi, Speedy.
Jackson! How are you, what's happened?
...I'm dying, Speedy.
...no. You can't be, we - we...
we still have to play 'wizards and dragons' together.
I made bad choices Speedy, and I'm sorry.
I didn't mean for it to turn out like this, I didn't!
But I thought you-
I didn't forget you Speedy,
but I'm sorry, okay?
...okay.
...
Jackson?
Yeah?
...are we still best friends?
...yeah.
Good.
End of memory.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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139,058 Literary Works • 672,403 Reviews
Hi,
Sentimental...in a good way.
**REQUESTED REVIEW STARTS HERE**
I like some of the realistic-logy here. It seems true enough and vivid, but some go astray and going astray is really a worst thing to do in a writing because it doesn't sound logical. This is an example...
What do you mean by 6 years and what's okay? Honestly, I do understand but it makes the boy's imagination so simple. Logically, 7 plus 6 is 13. But do this age thing affects the rest? When the boy is 52, is his imaginary friend 58? I bet not. The statement I quoted, I suggest, should be more creative. Use your imaginations. I wouldn't make friend with a person seven years older than me...it's weird... Each statements you made here will decide the rest because it makes the vital foundation of this story.
As a reference, I noticed that this imaginary friend is like Peter Pant. Peter Pant doesn't grow, true. I must say, try to avoid using Peter Pant's concepts. It makes the story cliche. And it's a really boring one too.
Time flies and season changes.
This implies to your story as well. Jackson's personalities change dramatically as his age grows - which is good. However, they aren't enough. Use different tone when Jackson is young and when he is old. Try to make differences. A boy can't be a boy forever.
Moving on...
The first reviewer stated...
In a way, I agreed with this statement. However, I prefer this kind of version you used. Firstly because of an old rule: Simpler is better.
Enough with that.
Okay, you used to many "Okay" here. I particularly hate them. I know "Okay" makes things more cute but cuteness is a dangerous element in writing. Plus, it makes me yawn and yawn and... Try to use some other words that can replace "Okay" perfectly. It doesn't have to be weird, but its sound must be normal.
Moreover,
Speedy asked Jackson his looks, but Jackson didn't answered it. This makes me mad. I want to know Speedy's looks. (I know I sound childish...) Perhaps, Jackson must answer Speedy's question. It makes the story more colorful and wipes down the monotone...Please? I'm begging you.
Next, I found this as an ambiguity sentence.
I know you want to stress on the "real world" but perhaps, removing the underline would suit better. And what's the purpose of this world actually? Do Jackson always alone? And the more foggy part is this "someone" word. This can indicate many things like friend or girlfriend. Explain a little.
**IN A NUTSHELL**
Like my second word I used early, sentimental. This tragedy is good. Just one last thing, avoid the plot cliche. I hate it.
~Nicol
P/s: Thanks for making me reviewed this. I would like to read more from you. I'm impressed because this was your 10 minutes work. XD
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
This will be a pretty short review, all of my reviews for you seem to be short for some reason. But Queenfisher appears to have covered almost everything. So, lets see what I can kind...
He didn't really answer Speedy's question. Having Jackson tell him would help us get a picture of him in our heads. Right now We don't have one at all, but I kinda like that actually. When I'm reading all I see is a great big black space, and I hear them talking back and forth through it. But, he should give him some kinda of answering.
One thing that kinda stood out. He's only fifty-two.That just rather young to be dying already. Or does his death have something to do with his bad choices? If it does you need to elaborate a bit.
The ending is perfect, a work of art. I have never read anything that gave the imaginary friend idea such a, well, personal touch.
KEEP WRITING!
I loved this a lot.
It really captures what it feels like to be growing up lonely and coping with a dysfunctional family by creating a better fantasy world.
This was really cute but also a little sad too. I'm glad it end pretty happy, though.
edit: I also forgot to say I love the originality too !!
Hello! Quin here for a review.
I really liked this piece and the variety of topics you chose to tackle in it. Friendship, imagination, growing up the hard way, life's small betrayals and learning to cope with the consequences of one's actions are all present here, creating a whole that would be bleak without the promise of forgiveness and hope giving it warmth.
I also liked how you kept Speedy innocent and childlike, traits that they held on to over the years and kept till the tragic, if a bit predictable, end. They sound like a perfect friend, full of support and love, even in the face of abandonment, which only makes it more poignant that they are imaginary.
However, I do find several bits that could be improved.
Firstly, the questions at the very beginning of the piece are very precise and calmly asked, which is strange coming from an entity that just came into being and has no idea where or what they are. Think about the questions - are they truly the first things one would ask in such a situation?
Secondly, while the characters and their interactions are engaging, I feel a lot has been left out of the narrative. Some elaboration on their circumstances, appearances and lives during the sparation might make it easier to bond with the characters and care more about their fates.
Thirdly, while you chose an intriguing format resembling some sort of an official document, there is a certain lack of 'professionalism' that would normally be expected to go with such a report. Not knowing who was gathering these memories and how certainly adds to the mystery, but the interactions themselves resemble text messages more than they do an actual transcript. Alloting names, dates, locations and perhaps even mentions of specific circumstances to the interactions would make it more authentic and emphasise the contrast between a file and a childhood.
Lastly, I've found a few grammatical errors. Should of does not exist. Should have, however, is the valid form you were looking for. Also, wanna needs no apostrophe at the end, since it is already a contracted form of 'want to' and nothing else has been taken away that needs such a marker. Wizards and dragons in my opinion does not need to be marked with apostrophes unless it is the name of a brand, in which case the name also calls for capital letters and/or italicization. If it is only a game among children (and imaginary friends) you can treat it the same way as playing tag or cops and robbers.
All in all, this is a charming, touching piece whose virtues are many and flaws easily corrected. Thank you for sharing it with us and making me hope for a long series of interesting memory files.
Keep up the good work!
~Q