(So I signed up for Power of the Pen this year at my school, (a writing competition) and I wrote this at last week's practice. The prompt was "The Message" and we were supposed to write the story around that. We were only given 40 minutes to complete it, so, I hope you like it! :) I may consider making this a book, and if I do, I will be making a new name for it....I'm not sure yet. Thanks!)
I walked down the dark isolated street. The street lamp's flickered, giving me little light as I continued my journey. My mission? It was as dark, if not darker than the night around me, with unexplainable risks, one including my life. The end of it that is.
I felt around in my left pocket. A fragile piece of paper touched my fingers. It explained what I needed to do, and why. Though I had yet to figure out the author of the message, I had started my journey anyway.
After a few minutes, the street lamps went out completely. I only smiled. I had been trained for this in the SOTG, short for the School of the Gifted. I focused in deeper, and closed my eyes. When I reopened them I could see clearly, as if it were in the middle of the day. I continued walking, and pulled out the message.
"In hands your,
safe is this only.
Deliver to the door,
room of 120.
In maple of the Alley,
will there you find.
The from room the valley,
oh friend, dear of mine."
That's what it said. Creepy. I know. So far for the author, I'd have to guess Yoda, or that creepy guy from the grocery store. I slipped the message back in my pocket, and looked into each alley I passed them. None said Maple, so I decided to check again. As I walked, I checked my right pocket for the small square metal object. It had come with the letter. It was still there.
I passed one of the alley's, but backed up to take a second look. On the wall of the building was a maple leaf. Was that there when I had visited it before? I shook my head, and stepped in. Instead of ground, I stepped into water, and the salt in it burned my eyes. I swam to the top and gasped for air. The shore wasn't far off, and I swam to it. When reached the shore, I climbed up onto a rock, and spat out water. I looked back, and instead of seeing the alley, I saw a huge ocean. I turned back away from the ocean, and a floating door shimmered in midair. I walked cautiously up to it. On the other side of it was nothing, as if the room behind it never existed. On the door in shiny golden lettering read- "Room 120" I sighed, and opened the door. Maybe my luck would change. I walked in, and shut the door behind me. To my surprise, Mr. Baler the administer of SOTG walked up to me.
"Well done Rainey.You have passed the test! He smiled broadly.
"Test? What test?" I asked, confused.
"All of this was a test, to test your abilities! The message, the alley, the ocean. Everything!" He said.
"Wait, how did you know where I was?" I asked, confused once more.
"By that metal box you're carrying!" He answered. "It's a GPS, we just modified it and we could tell exactly where you were!"
"Wow, that's not creepy at all." I said sarcastically, and a little angry, that I had gone through all of this, just to pass some stupid test.
He laughed. "Come one, let's go celebrate your success!" He said, and opened the same door I had come through before. Instead of the ocean, the SOTG was on the other side. I frowned, but followed him anyway.
My friends all congratulated me when I told them about the test and the message. I smiled, thankful for it, no matter how badly written it was. Thanks to it, I had passed The Test.
(Sorry if this seems rushed in the end, I was only about halfway when we had like 10 minutes left! :))
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey! I got kind of burned out after a while, but I'm back to review the rest of your works!
I won't go into every grammar error, but at least, "lamp's" shouldn't have the apostrophe.
I liked the twist ending, and the slightly-cynical humor.
One major problem I had was that it seemed rushed--not just at the end, but starting in the middle. I understand that you had a time limit, so I can't fault you too much for that, but if you ever revise this, keep that in mind.
Good luck!!!
Hello, happy review day!
This is a very interesting short story which kept me reading all the way through. The grammar was amazing and it was a very fun work. (Another thing I really liked is that I have a mate who's surname is Rainey!)
As there is a lot to be said, I'll review my favourite sentence:
That's what it said. Creepy. I know. So far for the author, I'd have to guess Yoda, or that creepy guy from the grocery store.
I love the hilarious phrase I'd have to guess Yoda. It just makes the entire story more readable. You made me sit there and laugh at how random yet effective this was! By splitting off the word creepy you make it stand out. However, when you say that creepy guy, it stops being as significant due to the repetition of the word. I would recommend trying something else as the description of the guy. For example that weird guy makes it flow more and contributes to the variation in the narrative. My only question is: why would a guy from the grocery store write that? And when would he have the time?
Yes this is a short review...
A great work.
That's all from me,
Godly
P.S. GO TEEM GREEN!
Hi! Just dropped on by, and thought that this was interesting! It was a little weird though to follow. I think that you did pretty good over all though even though you had only forty minutes. I think that the message was great, and mysterious! :
"In hands your,
safe is this only.
Deliver to the door,
room of 120.
In maple of the Alley,
will there you find.
The from room the valley,
oh friend, dear of mine."
It was cool! Also,I agree with dutiful writer with how great and original the name Rainy was. Overall you did good! It was a cool and interesting story! Also, Happy Review day!
Thank you!
Hi there!
I'm here to review your fabulous work!
Wow in forty minutes, that's actually impressive. If I'd been given that, I'm pretty sure it would been messed up. Badly.
But this was actually fun to read! Yaaay, good job!
Okay, onto nitpicking:
I felt that the whole thing was rushed, but given that you had only forty minutes, I think we can let that slide.
However, I really wished there was more written about how the protagonist chanced upon the message in the first place. I felt there was lack of details about the message and the metal thingy. It feels like there's a huge chunk we missed out or something.
And the part where the ocean comes in. It's a little blurry. I feel you could have used a little more description because I was reading it, and I wasl ike, 'Whoa where did the water come from?" And then I had to go back and re-read it again. It was kind of abrupt, so it left me a bit confuzzled.
And the last part. I didn't exactly get the whole point of the Test. I feel you could have added more detail, at least while posting it on here, because this has so much promise.
I think 'Rainey' is such an original and also very different name! Nice!
In short, this was an interesting piece to read, but it could have done with more detail.
I really hope you plan on extending it, because that would be great!
Keep writing!
Thank you!
I think I will extend it! 
Woah, I was not expecting this!
This is so much different compared to the other stuff you write, but I loved it nonetheless. 
Maybe you could either spend time working on this, like making in longer and adding more detail. Or maybe you could make more short stories about her having more trouble finding out what the clues meant, and have her go on an adventure. ORRRR, this could maybe be a prologue and you can make a story about someone else going to SOTG. Lol, lots of suggestions. 
First, there should be a comma after 'done'. Second, you forgot to put a space between the first period and 'you'. Third, you forgot to put the end quotation marks)
Seriously. I do hope you continue this. You had great description and I think Rainey's reaction to what Mr. Baler was pretty much perfect. 
I would really like to read more about Rainey's adventure, especially because, like you said, the ending is a little rushed.
Corrections:
Mr. Baler the administer of SOTG walked up to me. (There should be a comma after 'Baler' and another comma after 'SOTG')
"Well done Rainey.You have passed the test! He smiled broadly. (Lots of things here.
and a little angry, that I had gone through all of this, just to pass some stupid test. (This would sound better if you put, "slightly angry that I had gone through all of this just to pass some stupid test."
Awesome work!
Again, great work! <3
~BookWolf
Hey there! 'Tis Katie for my first review on this site in way too long! First things first, I really want to know something. Did you sort of base this off of a book called "The Testing" or was it just from your mind? I'm just kinda curious... Anyways, moving on! I have to say that sounds like a very fun thing to do, the Power of the Pen competition. Lucky you. Okay now I'll finally get to the story. Haha.
Okay, I must admit I'm a little confused on what is going on. I get that you wrote this quickly, and all, but I wish that you had put in a little more background information before introducing "The Test." Rainey seems like a decent character, but I don't know, I just don't feel super sympathetic to her that she went through "all that" and everything. Don't get me wrong, you're a good writer, way better than me, but I wish that you put a little more about the main character before you threw the reader in the middle of what seems to be a challenge of sorts.
May I ask this: was this chapter the very beginning of the Test, or was it in the middle of things? I'm curious. This story seems pretty eerie so far though... how she did all those things and got that message. So far, the plot seems interesting enough, and you left me wondering about the SOTG, what happened there, and what type of world someone would do those kinds of things in. Also, is gifted a nod to "gifts" like superpowers, or just a reference to being smart?
I hope that you do add more to this, because it is very appealing. I hope that for the hypothetical next chapter, you add in a litttle more about her background, and where this story takes place. I didn't do grammer and spelling mistakes at all this time, because I was just enjoying the story. Mabe later I'll add some suggestions, but it flowed prettty while, in my opinion. I didn't notice anything super crazy or anything, so, well done!
Alright then, thanks for writing this, and have a great day! I look forward to another chapter soon! And, in case you didn't know, I really like this so far! Haha.
Love,
PerksOfBeingAReader a.k.a. Katie
Note: I just checked this and noticed all the typos. Sorry!
Okay then. You're very welcome. I sure hope you make this into a book. I'll definitely read it and try to review everything you write! Have a great day!
Oh, and yes, and no. I have heard of the book "The Testing" but I haven't read it.
Haha okay. I was just wondering from the title... I don't reccomend you read it because it's like a knock-off of the Hunger Games and Divergent... Sorta.
Haha