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A Few Visits With Dr. Snazzy

by Snazzy

I sat back in my chair, and looked at a tall man dressed in purple. "Guess what?" I asked him.

"Umm...what?" The man asked.

"What's your name?" I asked him.

"Umm...Kevin." He said, looking at the door to the room.

"Correctomundo my dear friend..." I paused, smiling. "Now what's mine?"

He looked away and bit his nails. "Uh-" He started, but I interupted him.

"Nasty, nasty habit you have sir." I said, looking at his fingernails.

The man sighed. "I know," he looked away nervously again. "That's what my problem is."

I smiled. "You know how you can fix that?"

The man smiled. "What?"

"Dip your little piggies in grape juice." I said simply. He frowned, and I sighed. "I mean, everyone hates grape juice! It's way too perfectually purple."

The man frowned, and started to back up. "Right..." I smiled.

"Now where were we? Oh yes, my name. What is it?"


I simply shook my head, and snapped my fingers. "WRONGO!" I shouted, and the floor gave away beneath him. He yelled as he hit the ground. "That's Dr. Snazzy to you!" I yelled down at him. The floor appeared again, and I tapped the bell on my desk. "NEXT!" I shouted. A small girl with a lolipop stepped up.

"Hi! I'm Beatrice Bettlebee, and I'm here for you to help me." She licked her lolipop once. I smiled sweetly, and leaned in closer.

"What's your problem," I coughed. "Little girl...?" I gently touched the lolipop stick. "I'm sorry, but there's a 'no candy in your hand-y' policy in here.

Beatrice screamed and stomped on my foot. I winced, and smiled. "What an adorable little angel..." I whispered through clenched teeth.

"NO ONE TOUCHES MY LOLIPOP!!!" The little girl yelled.

I smiled kindly. "Fine. I guess we can make an exception..." I muttered. "Now what can I help you with, dear Beatrice."

"Mother says I have to come here. I got a problem. She's always yelling about how I eat too many lolipops." She said, and licked her lolipop once.

I nodded. "Sure. Just let me get out my very own invention." I pulled out a large bucket, and sniffed it. "Smellarific, don't you think?"

Beatrice frowned. "Fine, but 'whatcha' 'gonna' do with tha-" Before she could finish, I grabbed the stick and dipped the candy in the bucket. I took it back out, and gave it to her. "Now try."

Beatrice's eyes grew wide. "You touched...lolipop...mine..." She licked her lolipop nervously. "YUCK!" She exclaimed, and threw the lolipop to the floor. "That's disgusting!"

I smiled. "I know. Do you want to eat a lolipop now?"

Beatrice nodded. "Well of course! I'll just know never to stick it in your inventions." She said.

"Fabulous." I scooted her out, and sighed. "NEXT!" I didn't bother ringing the bell. A large man with a long beard stepped up.

"Aye! Fabulous room ye got here!" He said, looking around.

I bowed. "Why thank you, thank you. Please hold your applause till the end." I looked up. "Just kidding, you can applaud now." I whispered.

The man clapped and smiled. "So..." he began. "I always am eating potatos. I think I may be a wee bit obsessed." I nodded.

"Easy one, just let me notify my Foodoitlia." I said, and grabbed my phone.

"Foodoitlia?" He asked.

"Yes, yes." I said, and put a finger to my lips. "Yes. Hello! Hello Martha! How's the kids? Uh-huh...uh-huh..." I paused glancing at the confused Irish man. "We have a potato eater here..." I muttered. "Yes, okay. Sure. That's fine. Right. I'll send him up." I hung up, and turned to the man. "Walk out of the door, take a right, then a right, then a left, then a straightwards, then just kaboddle."

The man frowned. "Ayeee....ma'am. I'm not sure what a kaboddle is."

I sighed, impatient and ushered him out the door. "Then maybe you should've bought a woozaloo."

He turned around outside my door. "A wooza-" he didn't finish. I slammed the door in his face.

"Have a nice day!" I chirped happily, and rang the bell. "Next!"

A tall woman in high heels walked up carrying a clipboard. She thummed through the papers on it, and wrinkled her nose. "Um...Doctor Snazzy I presume?" She asked flatly. Her voice was high and piercing...sort of like a really annoying bird. I nodded.

"Some call me other names that I would not wish to mention though." I stated. "How can I help you?"

The woman smiled warmly. "No!" She tweeted. "It's how I can help you!"

I frowned. "Well then maybe we should switch postions. You could sit on the throne." I patted my 'rolley' chair.

The woman smiled and nodded, walking closer.

I suddenly rolled away. "Just kidding. No one sits on the throne except for me!" I said, and rolled back. "So what can you do for me?"

The woman frowned, but nodded. "I'm a health inspector, actually, coming to inspect your building."

I frowned. "I have no knowledge on health or inspecting, but go ahead." I gave her a goofy smile.

The woman nodded. "Right..." She muttered, glancing around my office. She pointed to a green gooey substance. "What is that?" She asked, and I stood up.

"That, my female friend, is just one of my many inventions." I paused, leaning in closer. "It's supposed to make pigs fly." I whispered.

The woman nodded and jotted something down on her papers. She glanced around again. A small fluffy creature bounced in front of her. Its eyes were large, as was its nose. His fur was a dirty brown, and it jumped up and down.

"WHAT IS THAT?!" The woman screamed.

I laughed, and petted the creature. "That's Billy! He's a hayorney." Billy jumped up and down.

The woman only nodded. "Surprisingly, thats not the craziest thing I've seen today..." She muttered, looking at me. I smiled sweetly. She looked over at a short man holding his knees to his chest. He rocked back and forth. "Umm....who's that?"

"Oh, that's just Steve." I looked at him nervously. "Just never mention cheese in front of him...he gets crazy about it." I whispered. Suddenly the man jumped up and onto the woman's back. He pulled at her hair.

"CHEESE!" He screamed.

The woman started to run around the room. "HELP!" She yelled. "I'm being attacked!"

I tried to calm her down as I pulled out my dart gun. "Don't worry! This happens all of the time..." I focused in on Steve, and pulled the trigger. Instead of hitting Steve, it hit Billy. Billy turned around in a circle and fell to the ground.

"Oops..." I muttered, and pulled the trigger again. This time the dart hit the woman, square on the shoulder.

"Ooohh...." She twirled around the room, Steve still on her back. The woman then slumped to the floor. Steve continued to pull at the woman's hair.

"ARGH!" I yelled, and shot again. The dart hit Steve on his arm. I smiled and blew away imaginary smoke off my gun. "Third times a charm." I said happily, and looked at the three bodies. I set my gun down and opened my closet. I pulled Billy and Steve in first, then the health inspector. I looked at the three bodies slumped together and smiled. "A fabulous job if I do say so myself." I said softly, and tried to slam the door shut. The health inspector's hand was smashed between the door and the wall.

"Yeesh. That's going to leave a mark." I kicked the woman's hand back into the closet, and slammed the door. Satisfied, I looked out of office into the waiting room. No more customers. I smiled and switched the open sign to closed.

"You've done a wonderful job today Dr." I told myself. "Why thank you Snazzy!" I said, and grabbed my coat. "Another successful day..." I said, and skipped out of my office.

Is this a review?



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33 Reviews

Points: 760
Reviews: 33

Sat Mar 28, 2015 1:50 pm
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JoytheBrave says...

This is my first review, so, yeah. Don't take anything I say super seriously.

I loved this piece! It felt marginally too quick- if you could slow it down and stick in some more imagery that would be great. For instance, describe the office, or the flavor of the lollipop, or the exact way Steve's eyes didn't quite focus right. Get my drift?

Anyway, your writing is amazing! I hope to hear more.

Snazzy says...

:D Thanks for the review, and welcome to YWS! ;)

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Points: 314
Reviews: 2

Fri Mar 06, 2015 5:37 pm
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nros wrote a review...

I really liked this story its good to have a funny story instead of a super seriose story or a mushy gushy love one. I would suggest checking for spelling and grammar and maybe making it a little easier to understand at some parts. Also, the last paragraph,

"You've done a wonderful job today Dr." I told myself. "Why thank you Snazzy!" I said, and grabbed my coat. "Another successful day..." I said, and skipped out of my office.

I can't seem to make head or tail of that. But otherwise I thought this was a great story, good job.

Snazzy says...

:D Thank you! :)

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767 Reviews

Points: 26330
Reviews: 767

Thu Mar 05, 2015 5:35 pm
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hello there.

So, I see that the point of this story is to be rather all over the place, so I'll refrain from commenting on that, but it still feels too all over the place. Everything moves by so quickly that the reader can't really get a good grasp on what's going on so it becomes more confusing than silly and random.

For the most part, all of this is just purely dialogue. There's no narration or much meat to the piece and that are there seem really out there, confusing. For instance, in the very beginning and the first 'patient' is there, Snazzy is striking up conversation, just being somewhat normal, and then all the sudden points out his fingernails. How could they tell? Was the man's hands on the table? Was he biting them the entire time? It seems really lacking and jittery in that sense that the actions don't really line up with each other.

And frankly, there is too much dialogue. It is important, yes, to show your characters in different ways, but since this is specifically in first person, there has to be some emotion in the narration. There has to be some thoughts from the narrator, otherwise the point of first person is lost.

Overall, this seemed more like a spew of random thoughts from your consciousness, meant more for a writing exercise rather than for the point of being an actual story, and I'm really not quite sure what you would gain from posting it here, but it was interesting nonetheless.

Keep on Writing,

Snazzy says...

Thanks! :D

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169 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 169

Thu Mar 05, 2015 4:58 pm
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theironnovelist wrote a review...

I like that, in spite of the very random happenings in this short story, it all has a general structure. You're very good at letting your characters shine through in their dialogue without telling us just who they are. My mind unconsciously created special voices for all of them. I also like the unique fact that this is written from the 'main comedian' (if you will) of the story.
I'm not usually a fan of satire writing, and I can't do it myself, so I'm not the best at critiquing it.
However, I found a conventional error that repeatedly showed up in this:
When creating a speaker tag that continues the sentence after a quote, DON'T capitalize "He" or "She said"
"No!" She tweeted.
"Well of course! I'll just know never to stick it in your inventions." She said.
"Right..." She muttered, (...)

These are all a continuation, ultimately part of the same sentence.
So, if I were to write,
"I want to eat ice cream," she said.
It would make sense if I rearranged the words: She said, "I want to eat ice cream."
This is how you know to use a comma and not capitalize the speaker tag.
But if I was to write,
"I like ice cream." She walked through the door.
These are two different sentences, "She walked through the door" being something completely different and, obviously, not a continuation.

Good work. Keep it up and let me know if you have any questions or concerns.
Hope I helped!


Snazzy says...

Thanks for the review! :D

Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink