It's not particularly routine of me to keep a journal of my days thoughts. I have never really seen the point in it all. Personally, I've always seen it as a very obscure habit for one to hold. But I suppose seeing as I'm now all alone in this enormous home, left for complete solitude from all but one other being (If you will call him that), I don't quite see it as such a bad idea to splurge my racing thoughts onto paper. I suppose seeing as Theodore has given me a journal with which to write in, I may as well write.
On one hand anyway, I feel if I don't do something with my time at this moment I may in fact even grow insane. All I seem to have running through my thoughts is one thing. This single thing! And I find that terrible to even fathom me thinking. I'm not a killer after all. I could never picture myself harming an innocent. It's not who I am. But even though I can hardly bare to think it, I fear it's what I've become. Not by choice of course. Who in their right mind could ever choose the dark and lonely path that was inevitably forced upon me?
Involuntary fate. As I have just only recently begun to label it as. I have so much pent up emotion inside of me. It feels almost unbearable. Almost as if I could just jump clear out of my own skin. But the raging emotions aren't even the worst part of how I currently am feeling. I could only wish it were the worst part.
The intense burn growing but more intense with each passing second, lingering in the back of my throat. The bruised achiness corrupting my upper jawbone. The urge for the thick passing warmth, streaming across my tongue, down into my throat. The impulse to satisfy every waking pleasure in my body that is still man. . .
This odd thirst confuses me entirely. It worries me also. But most of all, it frightens me. Knowing what I must do to compromise my raging thirst. It's a living nightmare. I am a living nightmare. A monster of the worst sort. Because of this I am condemned from society. . . And even worse, my own family. Forbidden until I am taught self-control. At least, this is what Theodore tells me.
He says I'm of the highest risk, being so new to this all. To vampirism. Yes, that's right. Vampirism. Until about a week ago I would have only believed it as maybe a myth. Complete folklore or just a made up creature. Like dragons or trolls. It could never have been real to me. I don't believe in mythic creatures. I still don't. But I suppose now its been forced upon me to just believe. At least in vampires. . .
Dare I even make script of that word!? It sounds absurd. But what else am I to believe when no other explanation comes to mind? I'm left with nothing sadly. Only with what Theodore tells me. He is too a-. . . well, you know. I was in disbelief when he told me he was. My first thought was at the most he was some lunatic or insane traveler coming about to wreak havoc on our small town. My abduction being one of his lunatic schemes. But that thought gave way soon enough.
He had proof enough to out weigh my better sense. I even had proof myself once I'd begun to recall what had actually happened to me. I nearly went mad with fear. My mistake.. I had gone mad with fear. I could remember each second of my being attacked. A horrific memory it remains. I'm only thankful that I no longer am able to sleep. If that were the case, I'm sure my nightmares would be morbid and filled with unbearable fright and misery. I shiver at the thought. . .
I was attacked the night of my sister's confirmed death of all nights. My only baby sister. She was only nine at that. She had gone missing a day or two before. It was agony wondering where she'd gone off to. Then, she just one night appeared. . . Found dead in the woods near the old cemetery by town. It was horrific. I was torn. My mother -crushed. The rest of my brothers and sisters met a deep, and terrible loss. Especially when we all had received the news that she'd been brutally attacked by some rabid animal. A bear most likely. But no one was completely certain.
I for one, knew from the start it was but nonsense. A bear would have left more damage than the murder scene described. It didn't suit. Besides, bears hardly came within distance enough to harm a human. At least from what knowledge I was only certain of. And aside from that, what would my sister be doing wandering about in the woods all by herself? She never had before nor would she have ever. I knew it was no other creatures fault but man itself. It had to be.
I was so appalled! I was so in anguish. If some man had put his hands on my sister I would kill him myself! That's what had went through my head at least in the moment. I remember I was so angry and sad for little Lizzy Beth's death I just couldn't seem to bear the emotion. I remember sneaking off into the same tragic woods. By the same old town cemetery. I was deep in the woods. And alone.
Thinking back now on it all, I recognize now the sheer stupidity in my actions. Creeping about the same desolate woods that which bared my sister's murder scene. And even perhaps her murderer. What could I have done to seek revenge on some ravenous killer? I being only a young man of seventeen. Of course not much. But I suppose now thinking back on the moment I wasn't clear of my own intentions... or abilities. I was purely set on my own anger and despair. And in the idiocy of that, I suppose it led me to my own death. Or... undeath.
For I now am certain it is of my "undeath". If I were truly dead, I would surely be rested in heaven and with my dearest sister Lizzy. But I am not. And for this I suppose I am living rather much of a nightmare. A living nightmare. . .
I see no good in what I am... in what I've become or what I now feel. Theodore says I have much to learn about myself. In my deepest opinion, I haven't a care. He accepts what he is, I see. I'm not sure how, or why. But he does accept it. He tells me I am immortal. The same as him. That from this point on, I shall grow no older or feel any aging whatsoever inside or out. That the only type of growth I may in fact seek is that of my mental growth. He says I will become wiser. With time of course. Worldlier, and more intelligent too if I choose to focus my views on the positive aspects of my new life and not solely on the negative.
I'm guilty enough to admit I see no real positive side. I thirst for such immoral means of survival. I must now thrive on it. Though, Theodore points out there is one such alternative. He has yet to inform me of this. But I suppose I should at least remain somewhat optimistic or open on the subject. I'm not aloud to return home to my family. To my mother or sisters or brothers. No matter of how I miss them so. I'd be implicating them. I could never forgive myself if I were to harm one of them. . .
For this I am forbidden to return home... or to society. At least not anytime in the near future. I'm a danger to all. It ruins me to bear that particular thought. As I've said, I'm no killer. Nor will I ever put myself in the position of becoming one. I suppose in some way I am thankful to Theodore for taking me in. He is capable of keeping me out of such disaster or trouble. If it weren't for him being around, I may as well be about town this very moment quenching my undying thirst for human blood.
...Such a sickly thought. I am aware. I just cannot seem to suppress the thought itself. I am in lust over my new found desires. My world has become magnified and the complexity of it is immeasurable. I feel angry... so very angry. Like I could rip through steel itself if I had to. And I feel so deeply sad and sorrowful. Like if someone even dare try and comfort me I may as well shatter into a million pieces. . . Theodore warned me of such extremes.
I can't seem to control my romantic thoughts as well as anything else. I mean, I suppose I've always been well around young women. But I suddenly feel as if I need a true love to satisfy me. I feel as though I wish to surround myself among a million young women my age and older. Lust over each of them! Breath in the scents of them all. Take in my bait and search for my lover. To cherish her. I want her. I don't even know who she is that I want! But I can't seem to find relief of that desire amongst the rest which I can nearly repress -block out altogether if I try really hard.
I haven't yet found myself able to open up to Theodore about all of this. But he has told me that I may experience a multi-directional personality. Whatever that may mean. He says with time, all that I am feeling will ease up. I feel stronger than ever before. Yet I can't help but also feel as if I'm growing weak in some way.
Perhaps it's because I haven't yet eaten a bite since the night of my attack. Four nights ago is when that was from what I've been informed. It took two days for my transformation to end in completion. And what a terrible two days that must have been. I can't find myself quite able to recall a single thing. Except passing out roughly onto some tree root in the forest floor. After that I remember awaking in a deep, sudden panic. A short burst of heaviness in the center of my chest, waking me to my new fate.
I awoke in the center of some great room. I was in an enormous and rich home. I lay on the bed of a dark and gloomy set place. Curtains had blocked out all sunlight along with heavy shutters. I would have then sworn I'd been kidnapped by my attacker. My sister's identical murderer. But the face and the demeanor of the person in the room with me then had matched up too differently. It was then when I suppose Theodore had the task forced upon him to inform me of what happened to me. To tell me of where I now was. Which was at a home of his. In a new town, though close to that of my old one.
I later became fully convinced that he had not been the one who had attacked me. . .or killed my sister. Though he was however, of the same "kind". And what kind may that be? The way he clearly explained this horrid situation to me had caught me fully off guard and in complete disbelief. No way, I thought, could a "vampire" be an actual creature. Not in the world I live in.
His words I could ignore and see as complete mythicality. But it was my own living proof that I could ultimately not come to deny. My undying thirst. My intensely clear vision and piercing auditory capabilities. My senses were apparently different. My thoughts... feelings. Different.
Theodore was clear with me on it. I am, and forever will remain a being of superior and impeccable capabilities. A being that is forever ruled by its undying thirst and impenetrable beauty. Forever cursed by my immortality. Blessed with my irrelevant sanctity. I admit to feeling entirely helpless at the thought of this all. I find myself barely holding together. My only wish is to feel the urge to fall fast asleep and be done with this demonic nightmare. I wish to then awaken to the surroundings of my own home in which my family are all present.
This, surely, all but of course only a wish of mine. . . One wish that I've indirectly been informed will never come about to see the light. For I will never again grow weary, or tiresome. Theodore has made it clear to me that I shall never once again meet the night with sleep. This meaning of course, I am now but a restless soul. What should remain my purpose now?
My family likely assumes, I too, am now missing and probably deceased. Obviously that in itself holds reason enough in forbidding me to ever return to my life at home one day. But even if I somehow were capable of returning to my life at home, would it surely still be a life for me? It could never be. For I should never age a day. Thus causing suspicion toward myself and sadly to my "kind" altogether.
Either way, I suppose I could never be strong enough to witness the passing ages of my family. I could never be strong enough to see each wither away into sure death. I could never, even from afar, see them each growing older while I remain forever and eternally the same, cold-blooded monster I now have become. I would watch each generation be born and meet death all again and again.
Maybe it's better that I stay away. That I grab hold of the image of me to never return to any of my family ever again. I should stay here. With my only friend to be. I suppose I feel in well enough hands here with this Theodore fellow. Though I must admit, he doesn't appear much older than I. He says he is twenty-two. But I know I have yet to uncover his true age. I have no inclination even how far back he has been a . . well, vampire. This thought here only brings a more fearful thought to what may become of my future as well. That I remain unsure of.
For now, I will set this journal aside. Save words for another day. At the rate I'm going, I'm sure I'll have met at least six journals by the time the year has come to an end. Sarcasm here, yes. But how far could this surely be from the truth? Again, this I remain unsure of.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Every change you made is amazing! i love this. on to chapter 2!
It's not particularly routine of me to keep a journal of my days thoughts. I have never really seen the point in it all. Personally, I've always seen it as a very obscure habit for one to hold. But I suppose seeing as I'm now all alone in this enormous home, left for complete solitude from all but one other being (If you will call him that),#FF0000 ">how does he feel about the creature that isn't a being? how does he feel about being alone? does he feel pain? or is he too twisted for pain? just some reader's thoughts I don't quite see it as such a bad idea to splurge my racing thoughts here #FF0000 ">i would get rid of here; smootheronto paper. I suppose seeing as Theodore has given me a journal with which to write in, I may as well write.
On one hand anyway, I feel if I don't do something with my time at this moment I may in fact even grow insane. All I seem to have running through my thoughts is one thing. This single thing! And I find that terrible to even fathom me thinking. I'm not a killer after all. I could never picture myself harming an innocent. It's not who I am. But even though I can hardly bare to think it, I fear it's what I've become. Not by choice of course. Who in their right mind could ever choose the dark and lonely path that was inevitably forced upon me?#FF0000 ">i love it! great painting of the character so far. I see a man in anguish pouring his soul out into a leatherbound notebook by candlelight
Involuntary fate. As I have just only recently begun to label it as. I have so much pent up emotion inside of me. It feels almost unbearable. Almost as if I could just jump clear out of my own skin. But the raging emotions aren't even the worst part of how I currently am feeling. I could only wish it were the worst part.
The intense burn growing but more intense with each passing second, lingering in the back of my throat. The bruised achiness corrupting my upper jawbone. The urge for the thick passing warmth, streaming across my tongue, down into my throat. The impulse to satisfy every waking pleasure in my body that is man. . .#FF0000 ">how bout adding; no, not man afterall. I would have to be man, and i'm not sure I can call myself that anymore. (thoughts?)
This odd thirst confuses me entirely. It worries me also. But most of all,#FF0000 ">i would get rid of the beginning of this, paints a different picture. confuses me a little. i like the rest it frightens me. Knowing what I must do to compromise my raging thirst. It's a living nightmare. I am a living nightmare. A monster of the worst sort. Because of this I am forbidden#FF0000 ">forbidden may be the wrong word, are you attached to it? How about banished or condemned from society. . . And even worse, my own family. Forbidden until I am taught self-control. At least, this is what Theodore tells me.
He says I'm of the highest risk, being so new to this all#FF0000 ">i like "this all" makes it feel older, proper. To vampirism. Yes, that's right. Vampirism. Until about a week ago I would have only believed it as maybe a myth. Complete folklore or just a made up creature. Like dragons or trolls. It could never have been real to me. I don't believe in mythic creatures. I still don't. But I suppose now its been forced upon me to just believe. At least in vampires. . .
Dare I even make script of that word!? It sounds obsurd.#FF0000 ">absurd But what else am I to believe when no other explanation comes to mind? I'm left with nothing sadly. Only with what Theodore tells me. He is too a-. . . well, you know. I was in partial disbelief when he told me he was. My first thought was at the most he was some lunatic or insane traveler coming about to reek#FF0000 ">wreak havoc on our small town. My abduction being one of his lunatic schemes. But that thought gave way soon enough.#FF0000 ">how does he feel about Theodore? shed some light on his current feelings would help progress the story, picking up pace
He had proof enough to out weigh my better sense. I even had proof myself once I'd begun to recall what had actually happened to me. I nearly went mad with fear. My mistake.. I had gone mad with fear. I could remember each second of my being attacked. A horrific memory it remains. I'm only thankful that I no longer am able to sleep. If that were the case, I'm sure my nightmares would be morbid and filled with unbearable fright and misery.#FF0000 ">make him feel afraid to recall his attack, but he feels he needs to if he is going to be immortal. He doesn't want to forget no matter how much his mind wishe he would. (what do you think of adding that?)
I was attacked the night of my sister's confirmed death of all nights. My only baby sister. She was only nine at that. She had gone missing a day or two before. It was agony wondering where she'd gone off to. Then, she just one night appeared. . . Found dead in the woods near the old cemetery by town. It was horrific. I was torn. #FF0000 ">how bout mother was crushed? avoids repetitionMy mother was torn. The rest of my brothers and sisters met a deep, deep loss. Especially when we all had received the news that she'd been brutally attacked by some rabid animal. A bear most likely. But no one was completely certain.
I for one, knew from the start it was but nonsense. A bear would have left more damage than the murder scene described. It didn't suit. Besides, bears hardly came within distance enough to harm a human. At least from what knowledge I was only certain of.#FF0000 ">great place to throw in thoughts of a current state of insanity, being that he always thought he was certain of things, but he never knew now. Depends on where the story will progress too, just some thoughts And aside from that, what would my sister be doing wandering about in the woods all by herself? She never had before nor would she have ever. I knew it was no other creatures fault but man itself. It had to be.
I was so appalled. I was so in anguish #FF0000 ">i would revise that to make it clearer and more emotional. I know it's 19th century, and i respect the feeling of it, but even then it can be made to be more emotional, You're thougths?. If some man had put his hands on my sister I would kill him myself! #FF0000 ">now that is emotion! great job here.That's what had went through my head at least in the moment. I remember I was so angry and sad for little Lizzy Beth's death I just couldn't seem to bear the emotion. I remember sneaking off into the same tragic woods. By the same old town cemetery. I was deep in the woods. And alone.#FF0000 ">i love this paragraph. Paints a great picture
Thinking back now on it all, I recognize now the sheer stupidity in my actions. Creeping about the same desolate woods that which bared my sister's murder scene. And even perhaps her murderer. What could I have done to seek revenge on some ravenous killer? I being only a young man of seventeen. Of course not much. But I suppose now thinking back on the moment I wasn't clear of my own intentions... or abilities. I was purely set on my own anger and despair. And in the idiocy of that, I suppose it led me to my own death. Or... undeath.#FF0000 ">how does he feel towards his sister's death now?
For I now am certain it is of my "undeath". If I were truly dead, I would surely be rested in heaven and with my dearest sister Lizzy. But I am not. And for this I suppose I am living rather much of a nightmare. A living nightmare. . .
I see no good in what I am... in what I've become or what I now feel. Theodore says I have much to learn about myself. In my deepest opinion, I haven't a care. He accepts what he is, I see. I'm not sure how, or why. But he does accept it. He tells me I am immortal. The same as him. That from this point on, I shall grow no older or feel any aging whatsoever inside or out. That the only type of growth I may in fact seek is that of my mental growth. He says I will become wiser. With time of course. Worldlier, and more intelligent too if I choose to focus my views on the positive aspects of my new life and not solely on the negative.#FF0000 ">does he feel despair for living forever when his love ones will die soon enough?
I'm guilty enough to admit I see no real positive side. I thirst for such immoral means of survival. I must now thrive on it. Though, Theodore points out there is one such alternative. He has yet to inform me of this. But I suppose I should at least remain somewhat optimistic or open on the subject. I'm not aloud to return home to my family. To my mother or sisters or brothers. I'd be implicating them. I could never forgive myself if I were to harm one of them. . .#FF0000 ">does he miss them?
For this I am forbidden to return home... or to society. At least not anytime in the near future. I'm a danger to all. It ruins me to bear that particular thought. As I've said, I'm not#FF0000 ">no killer. Nor will I ever put myself in the position of becoming one. I suppose in some way I am thankful to Theodore for taking me in. He is capable of keeping me out of such disaster or trouble. If it weren't for him being around, I may as well be about town this very moment quenching my undying thirst for human blood.#FF0000 ">does he feel indebted to Theodore? this could cause problems later if Theodore needed "favors" and wanted repayment
...Such a sickly thought. I am aware. I just cannot seem to suppress the thought itself. I am in lust over my new found desires. My world has become magnified and the complexity of it is immeasurable. I feel angry... so very angry Like I could rip through steel itself if I had to. And I feel so deeply sad and sorrowful. Like if someone even dare try and comfort me I may as well shatter into a million pieces.#FF0000 ">does the vampirism cause such extremes?
I can't seem to control my romantic thoughts as well as anything else. I mean, I suppose I've always been well around young women. But I suddenly feel as if I need a true love to satisfy me. I feel as though I wish to surround myself around a million young women my age and older. Lust over each of them. Breath in the scents of them all. Take in my bait and search for my lover. To cherish her. I want her. I don't even know who she is that I want! But I can't seem to find relief of that desire amongst the rest which I can nearly repress -block out altogether if I try really hard.
I haven't yet found myself able to open up to Theodore about all of this. But he has told me that I may experience a multi-directional personality. Whatever that may mean. He says with time, all that I am feeling will ease up. I feel stronger than ever before. Yet I can't help but also feel as if I'm growing weak in some way.#FF0000 ">ooh intriguing. I like that. Is he growing spiritually weak? morally?
Perhaps it's because I haven't yet eaten a bite since the night of my attack. Four nights ago is when that was from what I've been informed. It took two days for my transformation to end in completion. And what a terrible two days that must have been. I can't find myself quite able to recall a single thing. Except passing out roughly onto some tree root in the forest floor. After that I remember awaking in a deep, sudden panic. A short burst of heaviness in the center of my chest, waking me to my new fate.
I awoke in the center of some great room. I was in an enormous and rich home. I lay on the bed of a dark and gloomy set place. Curtains had blocked out all sunlight along with heavy shutters. I would have then sworn I'd been kidnapped by my attacker. My sister's identical murderer. But the face and the demeanor of the person in the room with me then had matched up too differently. It was then when I suppose Theodore had the task forced upon him to inform me of what happened to me. To tell me of where I now was. Which was at a home of his. In a new town, though close to that of my old one.#FF0000 ">why hadn't his sister transformed if it was the same killer? was that just his thinking? was it a werewolf maybe? I'm being an active reader, showing you my thoughts, by the way.
I later became fully convinced that he had not been the one who had attacked me. . .or killed my sister. Though he was however, of the same "kind". And what kind may that be? The way he clearly explained this horrid situation to me had caught me fully off guard and in complete disbelief. No way, I thought, could a "vampire" be an actual creature. Not in the world I live in.
His words I could ignore and see as complete mythicality. But it was my own living proof that I could ultimately not come to deny. My undying thirst. My intensely clear vision and piercing auditory capabilities. My senses were apparently different. My thoughts... feelings. Different.
Theodore was clear with me on it. I am, and forever will remain a being of superior and impeccable capabilities. A being that is forever ruled by its undying thirst and impenetrable beauty. Forever cursed by my immortality. Blessed with my irrelevant sanctity. I admit to feeling entirely helpless at the thought of this all. I find myself barely holding together. My only wish is to feel the urge to fall fast asleep and be done with this demonic nightmare. I wish to then awaken to the surroundings of my own home in which my family are all present.#FF0000 ">how does he feel emotion? does he try and stifle it to rid himself of pain? is that how the others are okay with their fate; numbness?
This surely #FF0000 ">isall but of course only a wish of mine. . . One wish that I've indirectly been informed will never come about to see the light. For I will never again grow weary, or tiresome. Theodore has made it clear to me that I shall never once again meet the night with sleep. This meaning of course, I am now but a restless soul. What should remain my purpose now?#FF0000 ">great way to lead the reader's thinking
My family assumes I am now too missing and probably have met my death.#FF0000 ">reword; My family likely assumes, I too, am now missing and probably deceased. Obviously that in itself holds reason enough in forbidding me to ever return to my life at home one day. But even if I somehow were capable of returning to my life at home, would it surely still be a life for me? It could never be. For I should never age a day. Thus causing suspicion toward myself and sadly to my "kind" altogether.#FF0000 ">if he returned would he still love them anyway? does he still love them now? or does he just want something he knows that will bring him some comfort? just thoughts
Either way, I suppose I could never be strong enough to witness the passing ages of my family. I could never be strong enough to see each wither away into sure death. I could never, even from afar, see them each growing older while I remain forever and eternally the same, cold-blooded monster I now have become. I would watch each generation be born and meet death all again and again.
Maybe it's better that I stay away. That I grab hold of the image of me to never return yo#FF0000 ">to any of my family ever again. I should stay here. With my only friend to be. I suppose I feel in well enough hands here with this Theodore fellow. #FF0000 ">does he still not know him well enough? calling him fellow makes him seem absent, like a stranger. Is that the intent?Though I must admit, he doesn't appear much older than I. He says he is twenty-two. But I know I have yet to uncover his true age. I have no inclination even how far back he has been a . . well, vampire. This thought here only brings a more fearful thought to what may become of my future as well. That I remain unsure of.
For now, I will set this journal aside. Save words for another day. At the rate I'm going, I'm sure I'll have met at least six journals by the time the year has come to an end. Sarcasm her#FF0000 ">here, yes. But how far could this surely be from the truth? Again, this I remain unsure of.
Alden
#FF0000 ">im very impressed so far! I was wondering, are you planning on having him show up in mondern day places since he will never die? just curious. But i love this so far. Keep it going, seriously. I left several notes and stories through out. I love this. Thanks for letting me review and for the request.
#FF0000 ">TmB317