Young Writers Society

Hi there!

So first off I wanted to let you know - if you're just writing for yourself and really just intend this as a blog post or something, you have a YWS blog! So if you're writing about a personal experience or asking for advice, you can post on your blog or in the forums, and that way you won't spend any points.

HOWEVER since this is here I'm going to assume you would like some suggestions, so here goes.

Other reviewers have already touched on sentence fragments, grammar, and punctuation. I would add: break this up into separate paragraphs.

Now, the writing-as-you-speak is fine, but you could expand on this if you wanted people to read it as a personal essay (as opposed to "help, my life kind of sucks and how did you people who made it make it?") In which case, you want to get more specific about some things. Here are some thoughts to get you started.

Why did your husband go to Germany in the first place? Did you want to go with him, or did you really want to stay? How did you feel/what did you expect when you first moved? What did you go to college for? What kind of place do you wash dishes at? What sorts of things have people who "manage to enjoy a successful life" have that you want? Do you know what you want? (This could be literally anything, from a job in a specific field to a dog to a front porch to a car. It doesn't have to be a big-picture thing.)

Think about those things and expand on them. You can incorporate them into the narrative, which will make it more interesting and relateable as we get to know more about you as a real person.

Hiii !
I understand you just wrote how you felt and baam, here's the article/essay. And the gist of this article is nice as well. But, you have written it, in a way you would text someone. Being informal is okay at times. But words like 'liiitleee', 'day', etc, just didn't sound write to me.
There are many grammatical errors as well, which you may want to go through and correct.
And I think you wanted to write 'college', not 'colleague'.
I understand you have shown a problem here which many people might related to. But you should have presented it in a more metaphorical kind of way or a more poetic kind of way.
So, I hope you work on that.
And, please keep on writing because that's what makes you perfect.
Good luck!

EverlastingFlame here for a review! <3

What I liked:

-Although it could have been executed more efficiently, I did love the concept of this essay. It conveyed a great message

-You used a variety of sentences types (simple, compound, complex, etc). This is good because it helps with the flow of your essay and makes it easier to read.

-You didn't write too poetically. By writing like a normal person would write, it made your essay more relatable than one that contains a multitude of similes, metaphors and other literary devices.


What you could improve:


-There were a lot of sentence fragments in your text. If you don't know what they are, they're a group of words that fail to be sentences in the sense that it cannot stand by itself. They do not contain even one independent clause.

-You also made many spelling mistakes. Like the word "apartment" or "coffee". And, the elongated words are technically incorrect and makes your word appear more sloppy. I suggest using more extreme words instead. For example, instead of writing "liiiitle" you can write "dwarf sized" or even "minuscule"

All of these mistakes can be solved with proofreading

That's all I have to say! Good luck with everything and never stop writing!

-EverlastingFlame

Alright. Let's get down to business.

Overall, good plot, good structure. I like the way we see the problem, and we can sympathize with it.

Criitisizm:

Punctiration.

This can be a grueling thing to try to work through, and I understand completely. Often times I want to rush through and just get the words out, but those words aren't going to make a lot of sense without proper punctuation. Mostly, you did a good job, but there can be a few tweaks to fix it, So it should take long.

Sentence break down:

A lot of your sentences start with the word "I". Try to stay away from that as much as possible. It can get monotonous reading it and the narrator or just keeps saying I at the begginging of their thoughts.

Paragraphs and spacing:

This should be a simple fix. Your piece is all in one big block, put spaces in between paragraphs so it is easier to read, and so your reader doesn't get discouraged when they see a big block of words.

Over all I enjoyed this, and I hope you are proud of what you wrote! Keep going!

-Caroline