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139,701 Literary Works • 672,656 Reviews
Thanks everyone for your comments! I may end up doing an extended version of this.
Hi there!
I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this poem. I like the rhyme scheme in stanza three and I like it a little less in stanzas one and two. It's irregular, which makes your poem that much more interesting a read.
I agree with those who reviewed this before I did in that you should definitely expand on this idea. Don't ditch the rhyme scheme altogether but make it irregular and inconsistent, because I think that would work best with the tone of this piece. At this point I feel like it's very detached and unemotional. So unless that is what you wanted, I think you should add more detail to make your purpose more clear.
Otherwise very nice, I like the abbreviated "over", it makes the read much smoother. Keep up the good work!
-Alex
Hi Smilykid
I feel pretty mixed about this poem. What I like is it's concept, and how the beginning and the last line repeats itself - it makes the poem feel complete. Final ending.
What I didn't like was the rhyming scheme. It disturbed the flow of the poem and made it sound broken up when I read it. And it was very noticeable.
I liked the idea, and I think you could write a very deep and long poem with the concept you've chosen. I agree with StoryWeaver13 and think it would be better if you forgot about the rhyming and focused on making the poem more in depth and expanded it. If you do it - let me know. I would love to read that version as well.
Deanie x
It's so vivid, I like how it describes a single moment - through the card.
I'm not really sure where the masks fit into the ... scheme of things, but maybe that's just me :0)
Keep writing,
Interesting rhyme scheme...I kind of have a love/hate feeling with it, honestly, but that's just a matter of personal opinion. The general theme of this is realllyyyy cool, but I wish this poem was longer and would be elaborated on more. I just think it ended too quickly, and I think that is partly to do with your attempt at this complex rhyme scheme.
My advise is ditch the rhyme and make this longer; I feel like it has a lot of potential, if only you'd give it more time. Keep writing!