The sound of a steady beat was upon the earth. Her feet kept a fast pace, her heart throbbing hard in her chest. Her long black braids blew in the wind. She was a petite girl with dark blue eyes and a heart shaped face. Her breathing became louder and her chest burned in agony. Panic reflected on her face. The leaves crunched underneath her bare feet as she fought her way out of the forest. She stopped to listen for it. Light peaked from the top of the tree canopy, showing the different shades of the green, to her, it looked all the same. Her mind swam in confusion of how to get out. Where should I go? Where is the path out? Are these the last questions I’ll ever ask before I die?
The pounding of paws were near, a canine whine echoed in the forest. She snapped her head to figure where it was coming from. Her heart skipped a beat as she bent down and clutched the grass, trying to feel the vibration of the beast. It was coming from behind her. She took off almost tripping in defeat. The farther she ran the closer the beast was behind her. It was gaining up on her. She tried to fight back her tears. Wonderful family memories congested her mind only making it harder to think about her next move. The sound of another beat was on the earth, a more heavy rhythm. She turned to see a gray, shaggy wolf approaching.
She knew this was the end.
Where was she to run from something so big but so beautiful? The way it moved so swiftly with every running step. The eyes on the wolf were mezmorizing. They read pride and power as they locked on to hers. She figured if this was the last thing she could see on earth than she would take advantage. The wolf suddenly stopped and slowly crept towards her. She studied each movement, each strand of long fur that blew in the crisp air. She took a deep breath, her last breath. Closing her eyes, the wolf crouched in position and sprung at the innocent girl.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
thanks
Since this is and action scene, you could try using short sentences
or even sentence fragments. I'm just saying.
ok thanks
Hi. My name is... Well I haven't decided my name yet, but I will be your reviewer and pretend that I don't know you.
So anyways, I liked this piece of writing very much. Personally, I think you should add onto it and make it into a novel about werewolves or something insanely awesome. I don't really like reviewing because I feel that it can sometimes put a writer down, but anyways, here's my review...
Okay, you don't need, "she was a petite girl..." in the paragraph. It's not necessary description in my opinion. It doesn't exactly flow with the story. It sound better without it. You could incorporate the girl's features into the short story though. i.g. "They read pride and power as they locked into her dark blue eyes." (i added dark blue to your sentence.)
When a lot of authors write, they usually italicsize the thoughts.
You can take the phrase "running" out of "running step" You already mentioned that the girl was running. Maybe switch to another adjective, perhaps like "fluent".
Do you mean "mesmerizing"? Memorizing means: to hypnotize, to spellbind; fascinate, to compel by fascination according to dictionary.com. Memorizing means:to commit to memory; learn by heart, according to dictionary.com.
"Than" should be changed to "then". "Than" is used when comparing like: The kite was bigger than little Tommy.
I'm pretty sure that you should change "creeping" to "crept" and take out the "was"because this story is written in past tense.
By the way, good job!
thanks
Hi i'm Rachel.
First of all i agree that writing stories is probably the best cure to boredom.
I like that its short. Its just the two characters, the girl and the wolf, that you get to know which means you can just focus on them and you don't get confused. I like the way her life flashes before her eyes and she appreciates how beautiful the wolf is.
I can't really find much wrong with it other than my thoughts sort of wandered off at about the mid-point of the story. I think it is possible that you could make your short story even shorter, remember don't put anything in their that isn't important or that doesn't move the story along.
Overall Well done! I liked it and there wasn't really anything wrong with it