She was there, a radiant grin glowing on her dark face and her brown eyes gleaming mischievously in the light. She turned around the corner with a musical giggle escaping from her lips, and then she was gone from sight. Her long black curls trailed behind a moment longer like a wisp of smoke from a fire before they too disappeared from his eyes.
She was his prey now, and he was never one to give up until he finally caught his prey. She had been wanted by him since the very first time he had caught sight of her. She was the first he had ever desired to play hard to get though. This was certainly a new game for him; nobody had ever resisted him for so long. She was a completely different type of woman than all the pale roses at his court. Sun-kissed skin, quick-witted mind, sharp-tongued mouth, an untamed heart... She was as free as a bird.
These exotic qualities in such a great beauty drew him in, like a child to a shiny new toy. Never had he been lured in by a woman's charm so quickly and then to only be pushed away with a devious smile always dancing on her full lips like she knew exactly how much suffering she was causing him by doing it.
She loved to taunt him with her charm, to dress so wonderfully in the most becoming gowns, to play lazily with her luscious curls, and flaunt around like she was well aware that she was the most desired woman at court. She danced about at all the parties and balls and showed herself off to the world in such an alluring way that he simply could not just watch her. He was determined to make her his.
He would never be able to though.
She was simply free from all men. An untouchable, free-spirited enchanter who craved the chase of foolish men, and the pretty presents they sent to her in hopes of buying her love.
Now though, she was beside herself with delight that she had been able to besot the most foolish and eagerest of all men, the king himself. She had been warned of what he was capable of doing to hold her sights, how persuasive he would act to try and secure her love for him, but she would always be too high for him to capture. Just like how she had always been too high for any of the hundreds of other men to hold on to.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is really well written, the descriptions you use stand out well.
That is my favorite bit. I don't know why exactly but I just love it, you made the girl really seem beautiful and even though we obviously can't see her or know her, we definitely get a feel of why this man cannot get her off her mind. It doesn't seem forced at all.
I like all the descriptive detail. It really made me imagine the person you were talking about. I also liked the similes, "Like a child". Good job, though I would have enjoyed some dialog as well. I always look for dialog in a story because it makes it flow easier, but the exquisite detail you gave just compensated for the talk not being there.You're a very gifted writer.
That was a really cool piece! It reminds me of a piece I just read, and they are both amazing! The description was perfect, and the part where he was chasing her was just, wow! The teasing part of this piece really pulled me into reading it further. Great job!
Hi!
I really liked this short story!
The way you discribed everything was brilliant, especially the woman herself,
I hope to see more stories like this from you and again, I loved it!
It was just perfect and just...very charming.
Thank you for posting it!
Hello. I loved this. It's beatifully written! Keep Writing!
Nike
Well done first of all I really enjoyed your writing! You are obviously very practised becaus eyour writing is quite formal. It sounds like you are actually writing a diary entry straight from the womans lips!
I ejoyed your plot and your charchters. I can just picture it all happening -Him gazing at her eyeing her up and down hoping she'll glance his way. Her smirking with her back turned giving him a right show! You are a very talented writer and your peice deserves to have some more reviews!
However about your title. That is the reason you aren't getting reviews. Its because your title is boring and not very catchy. I know it links in with everything but it needs to catch poeples attention so they can read this amazing piece or they will miss out on soemthing very good. A title is something that is underated round here. The title is what catches people eyes-drags them in to read it. You need to have a title that shows just how frigging amazing your story is.
So work on that and let the world see what a writer you truly are!
Good luck
Kaka x
Pm me any time x
Talk about flash fiction. xD
You already said she was dark-skinned. I'd use something else to describe her, especially because this is so short. The repetition stands out like a blow torch at a gasoline factory.
This could just be me, but I'd put a "who" between "and" and "craved."
I'd also end this with something else. I don't know, it just doesn't feel right ending it here. Maybe if you had a sentence with more longing or desire or lust or something. Right now, I'm not really feeling anything. You can tell he's in awe of her and he wants her, but because you said that. Show us, instead.
Another thing is, I'd take some of the tiny, little paragraphs and join them together. I get that you're trying to put more emphasis on them, but when they're all that way emphasis is lost. It also makes it harder to read and just generally annoys the reader. I do like this, though. But I would have loved it more if the paragraphs were joined.
loveness, ultraviolet <3