Ok hi everyone! *gulp* I'm really scared about posting this story (I'm not sure why though). I really hope you'll be able to find something good about this story. And please remember that this is my first story! Well here we go...
Chapter One:
Where is she? Lorenzo thought impatiently as he paced back and forth through the narrow alleyway that he considered as his home.
Lorenzo stole a peek at the grubby old watch on his wrist. She should be here by now! For a moment he stopped his continuous pacing to think. Did something happen to her? Is she hurt? Did she get jumped? Ugh, Gabriella, hurry up!
Lorenzo started up his pacing again and continued to think of all the possibilities of what could of happened to his sister.
Unfortunately since he was so lost in thought he hadn’t notice a girl with bright red hair tied in a ponytail creep up on him, and when he finally did notice her, it was too late. The girl pounced on her brother causing both of them to fall on the dirty floor of the alley.
“Gabriella,” Lorenzo choked out between fits of laughter as his older sister tickled him, “You better stop! You are in so much trouble!” The smug look on Gabriella’s face clearly stated that she didn’t really mind hearing that she was in trouble with her little brother.
“Gab- Gabriella, stop!” Lorenzo shouted but being that he kept laughing it didn’t sound as impressive as he would have liked it to.
Gabriella didn’t respond to this plea but instead continued to torture Lorenzo with her tickling until seeing his now purple face and deciding that she had gotten her point across.
“God Gabi, if you keep doing that I swear one day you’ll end up killing me.” Lorenzo said as he tried to catch his breath.
Gabriella didn’t reply to her brother’s comment, she just gave him an evil grin. “That reminds,” Lorenzo began when finally being able to breathe right, “where in the world have you been? Do you have any idea how worried I wa- Why are you grinning? I was freaking out because I thought something bad had happened to you and you’re just going to grin!?”
After listening to Lorenzo’s speech Gabriella couldn’t help but to grin wider. She loved Lorenzo a lot but sometimes he was a tad too bit protective of her.
“Lorenzo you just need to chill,” she reassured him, “Nothing bad happened, on the contrary my dear brother, something amazing has happened for the both of us.”
One glance at Gabriella’s face gave Lorenzo the answer to all his unanswered questions of why she was late.
“You got the job!” He shouted.
Gabriella nodded her head and threw her arms around her brother. “Leo, if this goes well our lives will actually get better instead of getting worse!”
“This is great, Gabi,” Lorenzo whispered so quietly that Gabriella hadn’t almost heard him. This could really turn our lives around. He thought to himself as Gabriella released him from her hug.
Though he was excited and he couldn’t stop himself from thinking of all the good things that could happen in the future, one little question kept popping up in his head. It continued to bother him until he was finally at the point of asking her.
“How,” It was only word that he uttered but that one word made Gabriella’s grin fall and be replaced by a frown. She also began fiddling with a piece of hair that escaped from the bonds of the rubber band that tied her hair into a ponytail.
“That’s kind of the bad news, Leo,” before she continued explaining how she had gotten the job she stared up at the cloudless sky. A perfect day to be outside, Lorenzo thought before returning his full attention to his sister, who struggled to find the right words to say.
“Well it’s like this, Leo, since I don’t have any kind of education the owner only agreed to hire me if I worked double the usually hours and, “she paused before saying, “if I worked for only half the usually salary.”
Lorenzo breath caught in his throat at Gabriella’s words.
That isn’t fair! Work double the usual hours and not even get the salary for working usual hours! This couldn’t be!
Gabriella, sensing Lorenzo’s troubled thoughts that passed through his mind, tried to reassure him by saying things like: That they would still be getting twice as much as they had been when they had resorted to stealing money from people.
Though the statement was true, it still didn’t seem worth it when Gabriella would be working ten hours a day, five days a week. She would be leaving him all alone in a dark alley to fend for himself for ten hours a day.
“Come on Leo,” Gabriella tried again, “Cheer up! At least I’ve got the job! You’ll see Leo, our lives will get better, just you wait and see. We’ll make mom and dad proud.”
Lorenzo flinched at the mention of their parents. Even though their death had occurred over six years ago, it still made his heart hurt to think of his parents. A day didn’t pass when he didn’t blame himself in some way for the death, though there was proof that their death had nothing to do with him, he couldn’t help himself.
Lorenzo shook his head, causing his shoulder length hair to sweep across his face a few times, now wasn’t the time to think of his parents.
“When do you start?” He asked her using any question he could think of as an excuse to not think of his parents.
“Tomorrow at seven o’ clock sharp,” Gabriella answered. He nodded, not really interested in hearing when his sister would leave him for her job.
He was caught off guard when Gabriella suddenly linked arms with him; she tossed back her head back and let out a laugh. Seeing the look Lorenzo was giving her from the corner of her eye, she grinned and said: “Leo, how about we go and enjoy ourselves today? How about we and turn this town upside down?”
Lorenzo smiled at the very tempting invitation, and said: “Oh and where shall we go?” “Anywhere my dear brother, the day hasn’t even begun yet; there are still many secrets that the day hasn’t whispered to us yet! So let’s enjoy today like it’s our last.”
Lorenzo laughed and nodded in agreement with his sister. Taking his nod for a yes, she dragged him into the busy streets of RiverWood.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hiya Smiley, I'm here as I said I would
There's no need to be scared about posting, everyone here are really awesome and friendly 
Sorry if I'm a little picky.
So, down to buisness. Any corrections will be in bold.
This sentence is a little awkward. Nothing to wprry about, it just needs a little rephrasing. For example, "Gab- Gabriella, stop!" Lorenzo shouted. The fact that he was laughing made his command sound less forceful than we would have liked it to.'
This is only my opinion however
It wasn't really a plea, more of a command. But thats just me being picky.
One glance at Gabriella’s face gave Lorenzo the answer to all his unanswered questions of why she was late.
Lower case h
'Almost hadn't heard him,' sounds a little better than what you've get here
You've already told us she has a ponytail, so you don't really need that there
Lol, that's a cute line
Take a new paragraph after Lorenzo's line, because a new character is speaking. I assume this is just a typo cause this is the first mistake you've made like this, so well done
Overall thoughts:
This was a very interesting piece. I love how you present these two characters to the reader; you've managed to show how close their relationship is. That's not easy to do
Well done Smiley
-Moo
Back! Right here come the nitpicks
I think Medowlark and Dudette covered a lot of them and I agree with the points they have made, but I have a few more of my own too 
'paced up and down the narrow alleyway' might run a bit smoother than 'paced back and forth through the narrow alleyway'.
I'd put this into italics as its his thoughts.
I think you could re-word this better, maybe changing 'hadn't' to 'didn't and adding either 'up' or 'back' after 'hair tied' and changing 'creep' to 'creeping'. I don't think you need to say 'notice her' on the end of 'when he finally did' as its already clear that you are talking about him spotting her. So all in all something like this-
'Unfortunately since he was so lost in thought he didn't notice a girl with bright red hair tied back in a ponytail creeping up on him, and when he finally did, it was too late.'
It might just be me but I'm not that sure about 'stated', perhaps 'showed'.
I'm not sure about this, it all sounds a bit awkward. I think you could reword it better. Maybe 'but being that' could be something like 'but seeing as' or 'but as he couldn't stop' or something similar.
I think 'seeing' might sound better as 'she saw' and 'deciding' as 'decided'.
As you have already said 'grin' a few times previously, I'd maybe change this one to something like 'smile' or 'smirk'.
I'm not sure about 'answer to all his unanswered question's' I think it would sound better perhaps replacing 'unanswered' to something like 'previous'.
'almost didn't hear him' might sound better here than 'hadn't almost heard him'. I'd put 'This could really turn our lives around' into italics as its his thought.
This sentence sounds a bit much, I'd shorten it and leave out 'also'. Perhaps you could change 'piece of hair' to something better like 'strand'. So all in all, maybe something like this- 'She began fiddling with a strand of hair that had escaped from her pony tail.'
I think the sentence would sound better here without 'explaining how she had gotten the job'. I was a bit confused here as well as at first its Lorenzo's sister that looks up at the sky but then its Lorenzo who comments on it. The change of characters was a bit odd for a moment, I'd maybe stick to one of them- so either have Lorenzo looking up at the sky then looking back to his sister or have his sister looking up at the sky and miss out Lorenzo's thought. If you keep the thought I'd put it into italics too.
I think both the 'usually' here should be 'usual' and the speech mark before 'she' needs to be a space backwards (me being very picky
'This couldn't be' sounded wrong to me here, maybe 'This can't be!' would work better.
I'd leave out 'that passed through his mind' as I think the sentence would flow better without it, I'd either change what is said after the colon to what she actually says (so things like 'we' and stuff not 'they') or carry it on as one sentence without the colon- so just having 'saying things like they would still be'
You repeat 'ten hours a day' here, I'd change the second one, either leaving it out completely or replacing it with something like 'for hours'.
I'd replace the second 'his parents' with just 'them' as its already clear who you are talking about. I'm not sure about 'heart hurt'- I think you could be better in describing his feelings, like 'heart freeze' or 'stutter' or describing another part of him. How does it hurt? that kind of thing
I think you should get rid of one of the 'back' here.
I think you need a 'go' after 'How about we' or need to get rid of the 'and'.
I don't see how you couldn't take a nod for a yes, I'd maybe replace that sentence for something else. Perhaps about her beaming up at him or giving his arm a squeeze?
Well I have already done overall comments so that's about it! I think you can shorten some sentences, a few times I noticed you were using extra words or explanations that weren't really needed. I'd like to add to overall comments that some description on the alleyway to set the scene would be good too
Hi
sorry I did just do a review that I took over an hour on then I pressed a button and it deleted everything so right now I am seriously annoyed lol. I will come back and do a line by line but I will give my overall comments now:
I noticed some sentences you include words you don't really need to, and I will point out where I can see this later 
I will do a line by line at some point but I have no time now sorry 
Hope I've helped! 
This was good! I enjoyed reading it
I think you could maybe add in more description to feelings, perhaps a little more detail to set the scene too. For instance when his sister first runs up to him and knocks him over- does it hurt a bit? Doe she bash his elbow? Little bits of information like that
I love how you have presented their relationship with one another, I have a good sense of how they feel. I'm interested in knowing more about the past with their parents and what will happen too! I'm just thinking though that maybe half the usual pay for double the usual work is a bit extreme, just a suggestion but maybe you could just have it as half the usual pay or double the usual work as both togther seems a bit much.
I think you could maybe have a better description on Lorenzo then just his long hair, adding in bits every now and then about his frame or his eyes. I'd also maybe like to know a bit more on their voices.
You have a great story here! Basically just bulking it out more with some info and description
Hey =]
I'm here as promised!
I think Meadowlark pretty much covered all of the nit-piks, but I'll try my best!
For a moment he stopped his continuous pacing to think. Did something happen to her? Is she hurt? Did she get jumped? Ugh, Gabriella, hurry up! - Here, you explain what he is thinking, but I think it would add more to the story if you added in how he's feeling. Is he worried, nervous, scared?
on the - I'd change 'on' to 'onto' Also, maybe you could describe the alley a little more. What does it smell like? Are there dumpsters? A little imagery will help the reader set the scene of the story in their mind.
“Gab- Gabriella, stop!” Lorenzo shouted but being that he kept laughing it didn’t sound as impressive as he would have liked it to. - I'd mabye re-phrase this sentence a little. '"Gab-Gabriella. Stop!" Lorenzo shouted, but through his laughter it didn't sound as impressive as he'd have liked it to.' - something like that anyway
when finally being able to breathe right - I'd re-phrase this. 'his breathing steady' maybe?
After listening to Lorenzo’s speech Gabriella - Comma after 'speech'
he was a tad too bit protective of her. - This sounds awkward. 'he was a tad too overprotective of her.'
she reassured him, - The comma should be a full stop
“You got the job!” He shouted. - Maybe add in how he feels here or a facial expression. Is he pleased for her? Does he smile?
This could really turn our lives around. - This thought should be in italics.
“How,” - Replace the comma with a question mark
Gabriella’s grin fall and be replaced by a frown. - 'Gabriella's grin vanish to be replaced with a frown.'
That isn’t fair! Work double the usual hours and not even get the salary for working usual hours! This couldn’t be! - Add in how Leo feels. Is he upset, angry?
, now wasn’t the time to think of his parents. - I'd make this a seperate sentence.
“When do you start?” He asked her using any question he could think of as an excuse to not think of his parents. - Maybe re-phrase this. Something about how he only says it to keep his mind from wandering back to thoughts of his parents.
How about we and turn this town upside down?” - as you've already said, 'how about' in the previous sentence, maybe you should replace this one with something else. 'Lets say we' or 'Why don't we'
Overall;
Grammar mistakes aside, I think this is the start of a good story. We don't really know much about the background of either character yet - apart from the fact that their parents died and they live in an alley? - so it's hard to tell where the story is going.
I think you need to watch your sentence length in places as sometimes they are a bit too long - I have this problem too.
I'd maybe add in more detail on their surroundings too as I found it hard to picture where they actually were - apart from in an alleyway.
I'd also maybe add in more of how Leo is feeling. The more emotion he expresses, the more realistic he seems.
I hope I've been of some help to you
Can you please PM me when the next part is up?
xDudettex
Hey there! I'm going to review this for ya!
This is a long sentence. Rewrite to something like this: Lorenzo started up his pacing again. He continued to think of all the things that could have happened to his sister.
This is a rather long sentence too. Try rewording it and maybe take out the girl's hair description. You could add htat into another part.
The period after me needs to be turned into a comma.
He doesn't need to be capitilized ^_^
How is a question. There should be a question mark att he end.
Take out the exclamation mark. We already know he's excited. Don't need that in there.
After Leo put a period to end the sentence. After she's done speaking say: She turned her attention to the cloudless sky, trying to come up with the right words. Then reword the last sentence which is to long.
After and put a few dots like this...to add to the effect of her pause. Capitilize she.
The comma after again should be changed to a period.
After times put a period and start a new sentence.
Where Gabrielle starts speaking needs to be a new sentence.
Well, that's all I could find. I know it seems like a lot but they were just minor nit-picks.
Overall: You have too long of sentences. Shorter sentences have more effect than longer ones. You also use to many commas.
It's an interesting story. I'm not to sure what it's about just yet...but I'm sure we'll find out in the next chapter. You show Lorenzo's fear for his sister quite well. I'm curious to know where this is going ^_^
If you have any questions and when you post the next chapter up PM.
Happy Writing!
Meadow