The letter

I like it. I'm sort of writing a similar story so I'm excited to read your work. I only have one correction: I think we say 'underwear drawer' instead of 'underwear draw'. And work on your punctuation. Even when someone is speaking in a story, fullstops, commas etc they all matter.
Good work!

Comments in red.

Smexaykk01 wrote:Dear Dad,

I really, really miss you. It’s been 8 years now; Mom always says you are safe where you are. She says you are in a beautiful place called heaven. Hmm...So this is the first letter she writes to him? You have to tell us why she chooses to write it NOW of all times. I keep a picture of us; I always have it with me. I know you keep me safe Dad. Remember how you always used to tickle me, Dad? I miss that too. I always used to keep my bedroom door open, just in case you came back to kiss me goodnight. I try not cry when we come visit you, I do try Dad, but it’s hard not to. I know you don’t like it when I cry, I know it makes you sad. I smile every time I pass your picture when I go down the stairs for breakfast each morning. What is it like in heaven Dad? Are the angels pretty? Are you an angel Dad? Are you my angel? Sometimes when I have bad dreams I go into your bedroom and get your favourite pillow, I like it because it makes me feel like you are there with me. I guess I should stop writing now, If you ever read this Daddy… know that I love you. I’m proud of you Dad; just want you to know that.
I love you,
Your little girl,
Lainey

It makes you feel sad, granted. However, I can't help but feel I've read it before. 0o

***
I set the folded piece of paper down just in front of his tombstone and ("and" works better here because it's more transition-ish and it eliminates the "I" in the next sentence.) wiped away the tear that escaped from me. I felt my Mum’s arm wrap around me, looked into her dark blue eyes and rested my head on her shoulder. If you noticed, I deleted an "I" there. Too many I's make the rhythm of the prose go splat. We visited Dad once a week, so crying came a lot lately. The flower bouquet we bought him was pretty; it was filled with roses, lilies, and sunflowers. I liked giving my dad sunflowers; to me,they were a lot like him. My dad was the sun that lit up my world. I guess it sort of suits him.

PAUSE. My grandmother died about eight years ago. I'm not sure anymore. Maybe less. But none of us cry anymore. The last time my aunts cried was maybe five years ago, max. If she's crying until now you better have a really good reason. >>"


I lie on my bed wondering what heaven must be like; I wonder if it’s in the clouds or maybe it’s like our world, but you can’t die. I start school tomorrow, third year of high school, which means I turn sixteen in seven months if it’s only January now. This last sentence is incredibly awkward. Revise. Besides, what do you mean "if" it's January? 0o Shouldn't she know for sure?
There was a knock on my door. Show us her reaction?
“Come in,” I called, the door creaked open and I saw Alex, my older sister by a year I like to think of stories as stuff that go on a need-to-know basis. You've only got a few words to work with, so don't tell us any info we might not need to know right now. For example, does her being older by a year matter right this moment?. Her brown hair was pulled up into a messy bun and she had Mums eyes, except hers were an icy blue.
“Hey” She lay down next to me; she wore jean mini shorts and a blue top. Need-to-know basis. ONLY. I really skim over these things when I read.
“What’s up?” I asked. It’s not usually Alex to come to me. I usually go to her.
“Why do you write letters to dad? You know he won’t read them,” she sighed. I had to think about that question. (If possible, show me her train of thought. Don't just tell me she had to think. Show me her reaction, her thoughts, etc. I didn’t know why I really wrote to him. Yeah, it made me feel more comfortable, but why did I really write them? (Didn't she just answer the question? I don't truly get this sentence.
“I don’t know really, I guess it makes me feel like I can still talk to him if I need him. Like he’s still alive,” I shrugged. Alex sat up. Obviously something was wrong, but what? Personally the word obviously should only be used to underline a capital event because if it's obviou then why would you tell us about it when we probably already got it?
“But he isn’t really, he’s not here Lainey, why pretend he is?”
“I’m not pretending Alex! I know he’s not here. I’m not mentally challenged Use crazy instead. Two reasons: 1.) Mentally challenged stilts the dialogue, 2.) Mentally challenged is not often used and therefore may come across as more offensive than crazy. or something!” I was sitting up too now, her cold blue eyes had rage in them, maybe she felt alone. Urk. I really, really dislike this last sentence. It's weird, it's cramped, it's awkward, it's too much telling.
She sighed “You have the same eyes as Dad, the same soft green eyes.” I thought she was mad? Why is she giving up so easily? She lay back down, so did I. This scene is coming across very forced in my head.
“I know, Mum always says that.” I rolled over so I was facing her. I looked around my bedroom, how the walls were black with splatters with shiny gold and silver. Would she really notice it now? When you lie down in your bed do you name the color of the walls? No, you just skim over it. Therefore your MC probably would too.
“Do you wanna go swimming with me?” She asked rolling over so we were facing each other now. Random much?
“Down at the beach?” I asked.
“No, in the bath. Of course the beach dumb ass.” She laughed. I thought you said she was mad. Is she bipolar? >>" “Meet me downstairs in ten” She got up off my bed and out the door; I could hear her footsteps quietly You can't hear something "quietly". as she went to her bedroom down the hall.
I got up off the bed and went to my bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. My golden brown hair was finally mid-waist length. I loved it like that. I grabbed my hair brush and pulled it through my hair. A hair band was on my wrist so while holding up my hair in a high pony-tail I picked it off with my teeth. Now that my hair was tied up I walked into my closet and went for my underwear drawer, I decided to wear my turquoise bikini. You don't need to show us this. Really, it's a little pointless. I got changed in the bathroom and just before I left I took a good look in the mirror. I liked the way my eyes matched my hair, it made me look neat and pretty. You're trying to portray your MC as vain with this last sentence, right? If you're not then uh, no. Don't use the sentence.
“Hurry up Lainey!” Alex called, I honestly did not know that ten minutes passed by that quick.
I grabbed a towel out of the laundry cupboard and headed downstairs smiling as I pass Dad’s picture.

I really enjoyed the letter you wrote in the beginning of your piece of writing. It was full of feeling and very emotional to read. It almost feels like it's real and it had happened. Very nice, realistic details and thoughts were put in. What was not too necessary and was not needed was the half-end of the piece. Your beginning was strong but then the conversation about the going-to-the-beach did not add much to the meaning of the piece and led the reader from the main idea.
Please revise it and ask me if you have any questions.

Hey Smexay!

Right now, this story needs some direction! Yeah, we're sad that she's sad and writing letters to her dad who has been eight years old, etc. But what else is going to happen? If you want to hook us and draw us in to your character's world, you have to somehow clue us in to the real reason why this story exists.

If the sole purpose of the story is to show how she still cares about her dad, you need to end with her thinking about her dad or whatever. You kind of did that at the end where you mentioned that she smiled as she passed Dad's picture... but it was really brief and you spent more time describing your character's appearance, which really doesn't matter! Instead of descriptions of your character, focus on your plot! Why did her dad die? What did she do afterward? What will she do now? By focusing on these things (especially centering on her dad) it will make your story that much more cohesive and powerful.

Best of luck!

It's a good story line but the grammar wasn't very good and it put me off. I like how it started with a letter, and the descriptions are really good. I don't know where you're from and I don't mean to sound rude, but I think if she's in her third year of highschool she wouldn't be turning sixteen. I'm in my third year of highschool and I'm only fourteen, and most of my friends are the same age, fifteen at the most.

SO COOL! I really hope this turns into a big story because it awesummm. I liked the letter but in the story you said "she lied down" it should be 'she lay down' or something.

Also I dunno what PM means but PM me if you have questions ahahahah.

SCP

I really, really miss you. It’s been 8 years now; Mom always says you are safe where you are. She says you are in a beautiful place called heaven. I keep a picture of us; I always have it with me. I know you keep me safe Dad. Remember how you always used to tickle me, Dad? I miss that too. I always used to keep my bedroom door open, just in case you came back to kiss me goodnight. I try not cry when we come visit you, I do try Dad, but it’s hard not to. I know you don’t like it when I cry, I know it makes you sad. I smile every time I pass your picture when I go down the stairs for breakfast each morning. What is it like in heaven Dad? Are the angels pretty? Are you an angel Dad? Are you my angel? Sometimes when I have bad dreams I go into your bedroom and get your favourite pillow, I like it because it makes me feel like you are there with me. I guess I should stop writing now, If you ever read this Daddy… know that I love you. I’m proud of you Dad; just want you to know that.

I love you,

Your little girl,

Lainey
Beautiful, I almost cried

***

I set the folded piece of paper down just in front of his tombstone; I wiped away the tear that escaped from me. I felt my Mum’s arm wrap around me, I looked into her dark blue eyes and rested my head on her shoulder. We visited Dad once a week, so crying came a lot lately. The flower bouquet we bought him was pretty; it was filled with roses, lilies, and sunflowers. I liked giving my dad sunflowers; they were a lot like him to me. My dad was the sun that lit up my world. I guess it sort of suits him.

I lay on my bed wondering what heaven must be like; I wonder if it’s in the clouds, or maybe it’s like our world, but you can’t die. I starts school tomorrow, third year of high school, which means I turn sixteen in seven months if it’s only January now. Yeah I seriously do not like this part. Just leave it as "I start school tomorrow, third year of high school." Also before I move on to the next paragraph, the transition is just disappeared. You need to let us know that you've moved on to another scene. I read this bit like 5 times just to see if i had missed it.

There was a knock on my door.

“Come in,” I called, the door creaked open and I saw Alex, my older sister by a year. Her brown hair was pulled up into a messy bun; she had Mums eyes, except hers was like an icy blue.

“Hey” She lay down next to me; she wore jean mini shorts and a blue top.

“What’s up?” I asked. Alex doesn't usually come to me. It would normally be me going to her.

“Why do you write letters to dad? You know he won’t read them,” She sighed. I had to think about that question, I didn’t know why I really wrote to him. Yeah, it made me feel more comfortable, but why did I really write them.

“I don’t know really, I guess it makes me feel like I can still talk to him if I need him. Like he’s still alive,” I shrugged. Alex sat up, obviously something was wrong, but what?

“But he isn’t really, he’s not here Lainey, why pretend he is?”

“I’m not pretending Alex! I know he’s not here, I’m not mentally challenged or something!” I was sitting up too know, her cold blue eyes had rage in them, maybe she felt alone. Okay, this part is kind of... awkward and doesn't really fit in. One minute Alex is all abrasive and angry, then out of nowhere she says something about eyes and THEN invites Lainey to the beach... What the heck?

She sighed “You have the same eyes as Dad, the same soft green eyes.” She lied back down, so did I.

“I know, Mum always say that.” I rolled over so I was facing her. I looked around my bedroom, how the walls were black with splatters with shiny gold and silver.

“Do you wanna go swimming with me?” She asked rolling over so we were facing each other now.

“Down at the beach?” I asked

“No, in the bath. Of course the beach dumb ass” She laughed “Meet me downstairs in ten” She got up off my bed and out the door; I could hear her footsteps quietly as she went to her bedroom down the hall.

I got up off the bed and went to my bathroom; I stood in front of the mirror. My golden brown hair was finally mid-waist length. I loved it like that. I grabbed my hair brush and pulled it through my hair. A hair band was on my wrist so while holding up my hair in a high pony-tail I picked it off with my teeth. Now that my hair was tied up I walked into my closet and went for my underwear draw, I decided to wear my turquoise bikini. I got changed in the bathroom, just before I left I took a good look in the mirror. I liked the way my eyes matched my hair, it made me look neat and pretty.

“Hurry up Lainey!” Alex called, I honestly did not know that ten minutes passed by that quick.

I grabbed a towel out of the laundry cupboard and headed downstairs, I smile as I pass Dad’s picture.

Reading that letter made me genuinely sad. I thought the narrator sounded much younger in the first paragraph than the she did in the second, unless this was intentional? It's very good, very emotional. I just thought that it wasn't really a story - I would love to see this if you developed into a story, just to see how you would do it. I am not really sure what to describe this as, but nevertheless, it is very good. It had a very genuine 'feel' to it. Well done and keep writing!
Sophie