Published February 14, 2010
The reflection of the sunlight glistened like watery fire; the little ripples from the waterfall swam like slippery eels on the surface. She perched herself on a rock and drew out a pencil and her sketchbook from her backpack. Her crossed legs balanced the book on her lap as she laid the tip of the led on to the piece of paper, her hand moved swiftly across the sheet. When she was done sketching the view of the waterfall that fell like blue dust flowing down from heaven and how the clouds danced around the sky as if they were ballerinas… all of a sudden the paradise started to fade, it was like she being was pulled out of her heaven and sucked back into the dark depths of hell.
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...this is a rather intriguing bit here. It seems very much like some sort of a prologue here although with the way this piece is titled it almost seems to imply that what we have here instead more of a bit of a first chapter or rather the first bit of a first chapter. At any rate, it certainly works as both, although I'd say its a little more suited to being a prologue.
The sort of generally vague nature of things combined with the mystery that we have in the background being hinted at rather strongly works much better as a bit of a prologue than anything else really so I'd say this certainly is going to work better in this fashion, although even for something like that, this is a little too vague.
Its by no means bad, it certainly works, and its intriguing enough as a piece that I find myself wanting to know, its just that it really could do with bit more description to make things a little more compelling and really sort of sell this opening a bit better than this rather brief piece is currently managing. So overall, not a bad start, it just needs a bit of extra help here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Nice. Interesting. I want more. You leave the reader with a very good cliffhanger.
First I want to say I loved it, I could imagine everything so clearly and I liked how you added a sense of mystique to the main character by not mentioning her name. However, there are a few mistakes:
You used two double-barrel adjectives, which kind of cloggs up the writing. How about just "eels"?
Did you mean "lead"?
This is a little clumsy. What happens when she was done sketching? I would say: When she was done sketching the view of the waterfall that fell like blue dust flowing down from heaven, and how the clouds danced around the sky as if they were ballerinas, paradise started to fade. It was like she was being was pulled out of her heaven and sucked back into the dark depths of hell
Aside from that, I thought it was great, loved all the personification
Yo,
nice beginning, the last sentence is a bit confused,perhaps should divide it into two. Also the book on the legs - are the legs balancing the book, or is she balancing it on her legs?
Keep going:)