Published March 10, 2010
As I walked down the abandoned, over grown street, I could hear the roars and screeching of the once so called animals but now blood thirsty and flesh eating monsters that roam the street. I kept my distance from the minor animals like mice, rabbits and cats that I see every now and then, feeding on the body’s of the infected humans. Ever since my family had died and same as everyone else I have felt hollow… like there was no point in me even being here, I mean sure I see some humans wondering around here every once in a while but they are usually infected and dying, so I try not to get to close to them. As I walked down the pathway of the street I spied myself in the reflection of the glass in one of the empty shops. I wore my tight skinny jeans with my old turquoise tank top. In one of my long black flat boots I kept my dagger, in case I had any problems with the Infected. I smoothed down my long golden brown hair that was tied up in a high ponytail.
Sorry it ended on short notice... but I want to hear more feedback from you so I feel that I am writing for a reason.
Thanks,
Smexay
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this one was a little lacking here at first glance. For starters, there's plenty of stuff happening here that you've gotta be breaking this piece down into at the very least two if not three paragraphs, preferably with some of those slightly finer details fleshed out a little more so that it forms more of an opening than the little bit that we have here.
On top of that particular problem we also have a bit of an issue in terms of how things are revealed to us here. The start is decent, and there's things happening that catch our attention but the way this flow continues to then have a full on random description of the protagonist kind of ends up breaking this piece a bit for me and ultimately its not as good as it could possibly have been here so I think perhaps a second look at that wouldn't be a bad idea.
Overall, there seems to be the barebones of something fairly decent here, its just not been presented all that well and in the end we've got a fairly dubious chapter one that doesn't really quite work.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
If this is your first chapter, don't tell us about your world. Show us.
I'd suggest, take this detailed information and work it into an exciting scene. In late, out early. We need a hook and something to be happening to keep pages turning. For some reason, the first thing that popped into my head was Terminator. Watch how information is delivered on the run, during chase scenes, to keep everyone involved.
Keep it up mate.
You have an interesting story here, but you need to work on your writing. You have major information dumps in the first few sentence, giving away lots of opportunities for suspense. It would be more exciting to hear lots of descriptions of the town and rats and infected people roaming the street so the audience is like ‘woah, what IS this place?’. that would be an easy way to create suspense. Also, in the description of your character, to accent her desperate situation, maybe you could add ‘blood stained clothing’ or ‘dirt on face’ or ‘messy ponytail’. you follow?
Run-on sentences and details can be a quick fix, so don’t get worried J I can’t wait until you finish the first chapter.
Hi! I like this story line but not so much the writing. You should try again from scratch using all the critique here. Then post you new version! I can't wait for the next installment.
Okay, so I haven't got much time here, but this is a shoryt piece, so that's all G.
First, there are a few things about this story that seem... odd. I think it's your working for most of it, so I'll go through and fix that up.
(1) You don't need 'so called' there. It feels like a pesky adjective. I get what you mean, trying to show and not tell by adding extra descriptions, but you've already put that in the next part of the sentence. I think it would be better as: ...screaching of what once were animals...
Better flow? That's something that I usually have trouble with, but I think it helps of you read the story aloud - like poetry, words are meant to be spoken, and it will sound better of you fiddle around with these things. Also, it will benefit you as a writer, becuase you'll eventually get the flow of things naturally.
Like I said, I'm still having trouble, so you should start now!
(2) This sounds... odd. Again, sorry. Its just... I think you would benefit without the extra words there. Ever since my family died, I've felt like there's no reason not to join them??? Double negetive, perhaps?
(3) Yeah, again, here you don't need any more words. I know it seems like you're setting back your word count at first, but then you realise that you didn't need them... quality over quantity. Here, we already know that you're walking down the street, so it hardly matters that you're on the footpath or not.
In fact, to me, I think it's better when you're walking down the middle. It seems like everything's gone haywire, and there's no point in obeying the road rules anymore, because no-one's fit enough to drive cars.
(4)Again, the sentance before the (4) seems a little odd. It would almost be a great oportunity to add in some detail! "I spied myself in one of the cracked windows, my reflection dancing from jagged end to jagged end."
(5) If there really was an apocolypse, then she woulnd't have nice hair. Maybe she hasn't gone home for a few days. Maybe she's never left home for a few days. Either way, she probably wouldn't care about how things look when she's running away from zombies.
And... last thing. Staring away from a person dying from the infection is a great idea, but if that ever happens, you should stay in your own house and avoid human contact. That's because the spores are what's dangerous, and these are in the air. Actually, it's not spores, but pathogens, airporn viruses that feed on the living.
Hope I was of help!
I completely agree with Biffle. Why everyone here is after Will Smith starrer?
This seems so much like I Am Ledgend... and as i said before, you need to add more. Just because I know you personally, I'm gonna say this: HURRY UP AND FINISH THIS CHAPTER. you always give up on things........
xD
olli
It was not well-written but you have a good story. I would like to see where it goes from here. Maybe you should read the piece once more. You will find some confusing and senseless sentences.
Seems like it will be in interesting story, given this first chapter, and one I will follow. As a review I would advise putting more imagery in your beginning chapter. To get readers to feel like they're there is a great way to start off such a story as this. Good job on everything else including the girls description. Good luck on future writing!
Run on sentence here, and is giving too much information. Try splitting it up, and adding more description.
Another run-on sentence. Also, reorganize the first part of your sentence, the 'and' feels out of place. You had a bit of emotion here, but you should describe how the dying people look like, act like, maybe what they say to her.
The last part description part was good because you slowed down. Try writing 1000 or so words next time, and post again. If you work on your description this could be really good! (I've had the same problem, so don't worry too much)
Yes, it is a girl... but you have to read my prologue to get it.
Smexay
I haven't read enough into it to enjoy it yet,but please write more,and I shall follow. I presume this is a girl,considering you are one?
In some places there are info dumps. Try to describe necessary things like the girls emotions, not just the blatant actions. Also, like me, you need to show us what you are describing. Not tell. But all in all I liked the start. Yo left the scene open and you need more... Thanks.
Olli