Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
She moves through the trees. Tired yet determined, she runs. As though free of the world she forgets her pain and suffering. The love she once had no longer haunts her. Its almost like there is a cloak of assure is keeping her from her own agony.
She stops to breathe and thunder sounds in the distance. She laughs as it falls from the sky. Now drenched, reality returns and her serenity disappears. Shaking her head she forces the water from her face, then continues.
Okay...so this is an intriguing opening here. We've got some who seems to be oddly enough running away from something but at the same time it also feels like they are running towards something. What it definitely manages to do here is get our attention quite quickly as a result of that though so now I'm very curious to see where this could go.
Now after jogging for thirty minutes strait she loses breath again. She lets her pace slow to a walking jog than stops completely as she reaches a small stream. She sits giving time for her breath to return and her heart to stop screaming. A cold breeze Blew; causing a chill to crawl slowly through her.
A small garden snake slips a cross her brown sandles, and she immediately jumps slightly backward. Her long mid-night black air draping over her shoulder. Calming herself once again she sits beneath a large tree. Closing her eyes she falls asleep, and she dreams; remembering how and why she got here. Like a movie she sees her past in perfect pictures
What used to be her long blonde hair blew in the soft wind, her bight blue eyes gleaming with laughter as he speaks. His dark green eyes so deep it scared her stared her down like a cat and its prey with a loving twist.
Alright that was a very interesting little transition there. Loving the continuity of the description but then the garden snake bit while not exactly bad seems to have a bit of forced description of the character squeezed in there, which makes things a little clunky there. The way it then goes towards the flashback also feels like a transition that could've been handles a little better than just that very on the noes comment about past images. I think this section in general just needs a second look, but the past image itself here, this memory is quite a nice moment because now we've got a very good look at just what she might be running from.
"Marry me Aleana." he says to her, "Come with me, share our lives and make them one." A voice came from behind he, then he was gone.
"Alyssa?" Her sister asked, "are you coming to the lake?"
"Aleana" His voice replays in her mind. She finally stands up. Back from the coma she had seemed to be in. "Yes, Lilly" she said with a dazed voice. "I'm coming."
Okay....so somehow it seems both my earlier assumptions were right. She is running away from this person in the memory but the sister doing something int his mysterious lake is what she is running towards. Well it makes for an intriguing ending there at any rate, and I think you do a solid job there although coma is perhaps not the right word, its more of maybe a trance at best. Overall, there's a few points there to iron out in the middle, but mostly this is quite well done.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 293881
Reviews: 4237
Donate