z

Young Writers Society


Violence Mature Content

"Reunited"

by Sleeplessend


The scream was ear piercing it felt like a fissure inside of our heads splitting them apart. I looked towards Crucifere and she was frozen still, she had a shocked look on her face. One that I have never seen before and she turned to me slowly her eyes were wide with pain.

“Cross I need you to go on without me…” she whispered.

“I am not leaving you” I said

She turned her head away from and stared out blankly into the darkness looking like she was assessing a major confrontation.

“Yes you are I need to do this alone”

She gazed back into my eyes with absolute pain and she caressed my face, “Hey it’s me, I can handle myself” she said assuring.

“We have no idea what that was and I do not want you to face it alone” I said

“I know what it is, well more like “whom”…” she murmured

I shook my head in confusion and then it struck like a cement truck driving into wall.

“Are you sure?” I bellowed

“Go now! Or you are going to lose it!” she screamed

I shook my head again and my mother echoed to me lets go my son this is something she needs to do on her own. I grunted and sped towards the last direction of the whisperer. As I ran I turned and looked back to crucifere one last time, what I saw scared me her hand began to tremble… in nervousness and then she whispered into the darkness.

“Emily…

“The Promise”

“Emily…” I whispered into the unnatural darkness. My heart was beating excruciatingly rapid. It felt like my body was being suffocated of its air like a plastic bag being tightly air sealed. Never have I thought I would hear that terrifying scream again, the scream that made me emotionally weak the only scream wrapped in pain that had brought me to tears. The scream that made me feel an emotion that I was often paired and recognized with though “we” had never met. Fear.

I listened out into the corridor and heard her silent breathing. The steps that she was taking were awfully lightweight. They were awfully reminiscent of “Absolute Ghost.” Then all of a sudden they stopped. She was still advancing forward that I most certainly knew. But the steps were gone.

Impossible” I thought.

I tried desperately to compose myself; my mind was all over the place this must be what it feels like to be crazy. Up until now I never understood why people ever gave into the weakness of their own mind. To lose complete sense of themselves entirely. Just incredibly weak minded people all together.

No” I told myself I am not going to let this happen to me. I am a welcome to insanity. I smiled from ear to ear.

I leered into the darkness and then I finally saw her. It was like seeing a ghost appear in a dark room. She was so petit. It was an odd combination of a child’s body combined with a woman’s. She was wearing an all-white form fitting fabric around her entire body and an oddly long skirt that parted at her legs. She had thick scarf around her neck that lay beautifully over her shoulders. Her hair was beautifully flustered about in the air like it was submerged in liquid and her face was still round and pale.

Then I looked into her eyes, she had a dim blackness around them like they were bruised that only intensified the unique shade of purple they possessed. She was staring back at me with emptiness.

Crucifere…” she chimed echoingly

How do you know that name, that wasn’t what you knew me by”

That is not important…what is important is that I finally get to fulfill our childhood promise… do you remember what that was? She smirked.

My smile intensified I knew all too well what that promise was.

Emily you have no idea what I am and since you used to be one that I cared for so long ago, I am going to do something for you that I have never do for anyone and that is warn you and let you run away as far as you can because I am an evil far beyond of what I used to be.”

She still stood there with absolute composure and shook her head

I…Am…Going…To…Kill…You…” she whispered.

As soon as the last remnant of air escaped her mouth she rammed her shoulder into my chest with ferocious speed. Her tiny body made the impact much more brutal and the hit was devastating. It was like getting shot at with a bulletproof vest on. Before I could so much as let my lungs remember how to breathe again she delivered an uppercut to my chin causing my head to hit the back of my neck.

I fell to the ground back first and realized this is not going to be an easy fight. She was only two hits in and she had taken a lot out of me. While on my back I looked at her and she looked up slowly her eyes got completely light purple and they started to emit a faint light. She took off a necklace she had hidden in her scarf it was her mother’s necklace and she slit open the top half of both her forearms and blood started to trickle down to her tiny wrists.

When it got to her fragile looking hands she clenched rapidly. She let out a body splitting scream that began to tear apart the warehouse and her hair spiked out savagely and the blood on her arms solidified and formed into razor sharp scythes.

Her screaming began to fade but not because she was stopping but because her mouth began to slowly disappear. Her liquid hair draped stiffly over back and shoulders. Her eyes became more human like but they were razor sharp with focus as were her new acquired weapons.

I got to my hands and knees and began contorting with laughter. As I began to ascend my head my spine began to crack loudly. Setting the bones she must have broken with the punch she delivered to my chin. Mr. Giggles was coming out to play. His hands crushingly made their way up my back like someone getting steamrolled. And at the precise moment myself and Emily locked eyes with each other. His hands crunched brutally over my psychotic smile. I laughed so savagely through his fingers my saliva was spurting between them.

I whipped a chain through my elbow with blinding speed and it spanned her right leg and I whipped the other not milliseconds after and hit her other one and then latched her arms and feet together and spread her apart like an X. Then I whiplashed her towards me and sidestepped just before she crashed into me and delivered a punch directly into her stomach.

Blood spurted out of her mouth and I looked at her manically she grinned and the blood that was on the floor formed into tiny scythes and flew towards me.


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User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 3149
Reviews: 47

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:55 pm
SlushySlapped wrote a review...



Hi there!

SlushySlapped here for a review!

I see DreamWork got that first sentence. Definitely need a comma there!

"I looked towards Crucifere and she was frozen still, she had a shocked look on her face."


This is worded a bit awkwardly. I feel like it could be rearranged to flow better.

"One that I have never seen before#BF0040 ">. She turned to me slowly, her eyes were wide with pain.


These are just some suggestions to help with the flow in this sentence.

There is a lot of punctuation missing, especially in the dialogue. Periods and commas need to be at the end of those.

Something else I noticed were the amount of ellipses used. Try to take some out and only use them when you really need them. Using them too much is just overkill.

I also found a lot of these sentences to be worded a bit awkwardly. I think this work has a lot of potential just needs some work! Like everything. Trust me I have rewritten chapters like 5-6 times just to make it better. Still not completely satisfied with them. Anyway, hope I didn't sound too harsh!

Keep Writing!

:D




Sleeplessend says...


Thank you for the review i will definitely work on it.



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363 Reviews


Points: 28237
Reviews: 363

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:50 am
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi Sleeplessend, Dream here with review on your story.
I see the narrative style of the story you are trying to portray. Including figurative language especially simile and metaphor, which you often use makes the reader feel a little awkward. I'm not sure the plot of the story and still trying to understand it.
A little problem with the punctuation;

The scream was ear piercing(, add comma here) it felt like a fissure inside of our heads splitting them apart.
~“Cross* I need you to go on without me…” she whispered.-Do you mean that 'cross' is actually a name? Or she asked him to cross something?

There is a lot more sentences which need punctuation. Try reread it and figure out which one is it.
However, I am still impressed by the details given, even though there is a lot of confusion. Try to make the story clearly along with the plot story. Giving figurative languages in story can enhances our story, but when used excessively, it is only disfigures the story.
Keep writing! Never give up.
Kudos,cheers. :D




Sleeplessend says...


Thank you for the review :)




Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl