z

Young Writers Society


Violence Mature Content

"Mr and Mrs Giggles"

by Sleeplessend


There I stood holding her clenched fist with my palm. I had nearly forgotten how long it has been since I have utilized my hands in strife, they were only used when I was giving blessing or caring to a battered soul, but she was becoming irritable by the look on her face she clearly hasn’t been a fight lasting this long let alone the opponent still being alive.

I shoved myself back and delivered a front kick to her stomach strong enough to dent the side of a tank, she backed away slowly clenching her stomach as she did then she looked upon my face with her emerald eyes, there was some kind of release in them, and then she scurried to the corner of the room.

Then maniac child laughter started dancing about the warehouse, “Mr. Giggles, I want to play… now” she chimed menacingly.

Her laughter was getting high pitched and piercing, it was getting more… childlike. She started to contort savagely while continuing to chortle, something was happening to her, she leaned her head back towards me, her face looked like cracked porcelain like an antique doll that’s been buried for decades, but her eyes they were deep with pure insanity.

I shivered at what I saw next; a ghoulish pair of hands appeared they started trickling up her spine, they looked like they were crushing her but she was giggling fiercely like a father tickling his baby once the hands crunched their way to her neck she stopped.

Still giving me that freighting grin she twisted her body towards me, the hands came over the side of her cheeks they looked like a bear trap waiting to snap and with a final burst of laughter the hands crunched over her mouth and with what sounded like a human being snapped in half the fingers locked with each other, they kept her from screaming with what came next.

To my horror her elbows started to protrude, something was ripping out of them. As it pierced through her flesh what I saw horrified me they were chains but no ordinary chains, and at that very moment I realized “How…?” I murmured.

They were the torture chains of Agonus the most carnage demon in all of hell, if Lucifer wanted eternal suffering upon a soul this was the fate they met. “How is she still alive?” I breathed in disbelief.

Of the exorcisms I have performed on this demon in the past and what I have witnessed through my holy vision they were by far the most gruesome, victims never survive he tortures them internally crushes them from the inside out. She must have something inside her that kept him, something that he as a host did not want to leave or worse he could not escape…

Chillingly she then glared at me insanely with a deranged grin, like a child who has gotten away with stealing or breaking a window. “I think it is time I teach you a lesson mister” as she said this, her chained pistol whipped toward me with blinding speed, I managed to dodge the strike by pivoting backward with a lean. I quickly snatched the chain and she chortled “You are too much fun you know that?” the end of the chain scythed itself and fish hooked me toward her without as much as a blink shuttering midway.

My face was but a hairs breath away from hers, and I felt the coldness of the barrels pressed against my temples. “Hi” she giggled simultaneously. I fell backwards and grasped both chains with my hands and double kicked her on her chin.

While back flipping I planted my feet and the chains loosened a bit from her taking the strike. I sprung out and rammed my shoulder into her body. Oddly her body felt much more fragile but hard at the same time, like unbreakable glass.

She arched through the air from the hit and her chains planted themselves into the ground and she appeared to be like a puppet dangling from their strings. “Mr. Giggles I think it is time to entertain the guest, how about some juggling?” She screamed in sadist pleasure as the chains lengthened themselves even more from her elbows, the chains hacked themselves through the ground beneath me and struck my legs and I flew off balance. Before I could hand plant back up to my feet another hit the square of my back. They began bouncing me repeatedly through the air while blasting random rounds from the barrels. Furious I focused in on the pistols waiting for them to pop another round into the chamber. As soon I heard the faint “Click” from the trigger I kicked the pistol toward her.

She dodged the bullet but psychopathically tried to catch the round with her hand. “Darn just missed it” she chuckled. I shuddered internally from her insanity it was like watching a child play with a gun.

This is not going to work I need to get in close, without range she will be much more vulnerable. I then kicked both pistols away and ran along the chains like a tightrope jumping from left to right each time they tried to whip me off. Once I got in within breathing space we began to combat with each other with a flurry of lefts and rights and throwing each other’s strikes of balance. In doing so I still had to deal with the pistols shooting at me from different angles.

She just stayed focused on my face as I did hers, how beautiful she was even in this state of possession. Her eyes were glistening reflecting the muzzle flashes off her stunning green irises. She began to look more and more wary of how long this fight was going on but glad that it was. Then suddenly her pistols stopped and they dropped like a person having a bursting head hemorrhage.

I grabbed her wrists and pinned them to her sides, I felt her soft breathing against my lips as she faced off against me. “Go ahead and kill me, I know there is no way that I can beat you” she whispered. I breathed heavily, harder than I was during the fight. I was so entranced by her beauty that I hadn’t noticed that my body was shrouded with bullet wounds, but that wasn’t what was making me feel so… nervous. She seemed so innocent and vulnerable, it could be an act but the chains were gone now retracting phantomlike back to her elbows.

“Please do me the favor, I beg of you I have lived and danced with death long enough, deliver me” she smiled.

“How about salvation…?” I bellowed.

“There is nothing worth saving in me, I am but a lost soul as you holy people would like to call it.”

“Every soul is deserving of salvation, if they are willing to accept it.”

“If I had known any better, it seems like you are in need as well” she said genuinely.

Her purity level began changing from a blackened red, like burning coal, to a faint blue glimmer like rays of light glowing through water. “I don’t know why this is happening to me, never have I been so affected by someone, I wish I could kill you to make it stop it is freighting me” and she had her chance, I wouldn’t have thought twice about her putting the final shot through my head. Suddenly her eyes began to liquefy.


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69 Reviews


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Reviews: 69

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 6:40 pm
anabelsinclair wrote a review...



Wow. That was quite an interesting read. This is a very compelling work, very physical and fast paced. I liked the fact that the even in the midst of action, you were able to slow down and describe and ground us back to what was going on: an exorcism grueling on both parties.

My issue was with punctuation. There were many points where I kept tripping over the sentences, editing them mentally. I'd advise you to take an objective once over and made technical editions.

Thank you




Sleeplessend says...


Thank you for the review :)



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57 Reviews


Points: 291
Reviews: 57

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Tue Oct 22, 2013 11:31 am
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D4RKR4VEN wrote a review...



For several days your story has attracted me. Alas, I have been finally compelled to read it today. It is easily not the best, I'm afraid, but it is still okay, quite decent. I am The Raven by the way, and I will endeavour to help you refine this work of literature. My review will be divided into What Is Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestions. Now, let's get down to business...

What Is Good:
1) This is a very interesting world you've built, with demons which are a little more physical than is possible in this world and apparently priests who are also martial artists. While it is not the most original, it is still quite fresh nonetheless.

2) Mrs Giggles is a very interesting character, full of contradictions and very disturbing yet interesting at the same time. Good stuff.

3) Your semi-archaic use of language has benefitted the narrative greatly, as the subject matter, being exorcisms, demons, priests and religion is quite antiquated, therefore your register fits.

What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) However, your language needs improvement in other areas. You've been consistently omitting punctuation that's supposed to be there, especially your commas. Some of your choice of words aren't fitting, such as...

She dodged the bullet but psychopathically tried to catch the round


Psychopathically... I'm not sure if there's even such a word. It seems derived from Psychopath, which refers to an insane person who is potentially homicidal. I think you meant telekinetically?

This is another consistent problem in your narrative. From the looks of it, your work looks like it was translated from Japanese by a half-decently paid translator. And speaking of Japanese...

2) Your combination of action/adventure elements with horror did not have a good effect. While the mixed genre itself has been troubled by poor works that did not exemplify the genre, I do not believe that the mixed genre itself is the problem. That said, that hurdle hasn't been conquered in your piece. In the beginning, when there is less action, horror seems to rule completely, but in the second half of the narrative, there is so much action that nothing is terrifying.

This is the result of poor execution, and it allows only one genre element to exist at one instant. You must reduce the level of action, I believe, to achieve the balance. I mean, it is very hard to feel afraid when your protagonist is capable of exorcism as well as martial arts and seemingly superhuman stunts! By any standard, Mrs Giggles could have easily killed a normal human being within seconds.

Well, that's all I could think of for now. I hope I've helped! Don't stop writing!




Sleeplessend says...


Thank you so much for the review :) I get what you mean by too much action when I thought of the story that's basically what I wanted too many stories that are supposed to be all about action usually tend to be nothing but alot of talk and whatnot they get boring. Also the characters have alot more depth than what you think I will be writing character bios soon and hopefully that will help some people understand the power these people possess. Your review was very helpful though thank you :)




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