The silence. I lay there. Lost in thought. No sound to prick my ears, causing no divergence to my contemplation.
The grass. Its feather touch tickled my hands and bare feet. It waved at me in the slight breeze.
The sky. Our life embracing moon forever circling our giant blue brother. Watching us with careful, stormy eyes.
The plain. It stretched out for miles, holding me in its soft hand. Content in watching me curl up to think on life.
The disturbance. Great sky ships roared over my head. Unkempt against the landscape, coloured and calm. The end. Geysers of dirt pummelled the hills. The war of screams as two forces collided and fought.
The flames. They stripped the grass from the earth. The fire stripped the land of life. Shearing the land as if it were wool.
The silence. Nothing moved. The land was dead. The wind was gone. The sky was grey. But silence was restored. And I lay there to think no more.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello Skyy,
This is one of those works i want to like. I really do. I mean; the words are so beautiful, yet this piece of work is neither here nor there.
I love the use of fragments. Especially when done so beautifully like this, but a story needs more. Perhaps you can work into a story with these scenes. Pain us a picture with this.
These lines give the punch, but there is no base. So it's like going to punch something when there is nothing to receive that punch. No punchbag bob.
Or if you're into poetry, you generally have a bit more of a creative freedom. So, why not that?
Cheers and happy writing!
Skyy,
The sky ships line especially. Keep writing, I would love to review another piece of yours.
For the formatting, see if you have the latest version of flash installed. That usually does the trick, but certain computers might have additional quirks and kinks to work out, to where it's beyond my expertise to try to ascertain the problem, let alone fix 8D But first steps!
In any case, I actually, quite wonderfully and am truly in love with this for some reason 8D Your voice here is lovely and your way with the descriptions - it's very wafting, very soothing, but you have impressed me with your choices in what and when to describe what and exactly how long to spend describing such things - really, really, a difficult thing to do, but you do it well.
Now, style aside - this piece is going to get overlooked and kicked at because it's basically fragment, after fragment, after fragment. I don't want this overlooked, because you're a great writer, and this is a beautiful piece for all its simplicity and still maintaing quite profound, so don't disappoint me by neglecting grammar.
Yes, I understand that fragments do make this piece. But this is almost ALL fragments, or short, choppy sentences. Vary it up a little. Use fragments where it is most effective, so that when you get to those lines, it is like a punch to the stomach of amazingness, rather than having to read too many of them in such a short amount of words where you feel like it's more of a gimmick.
That being said, I still love this very much
~ as always, Audy
Also, let me know if the flash thing works!
Thank you so much!
I will try getting flash to work and see what happens. I have a Compaq 610 which isn't too weird and wonderful, but I'll stick a question up on Yahoo and see if anyone has any suggestions.
I can see what you mean on the style variation and will look at that more carefully, I like the idea of seeing it in a different light.
And i will keep you enlightened with all my new works!
The layout for this isn't the way I wanted it, and I can't get it into the layout I want. Help?!?