The sweat ran down my arm and greased my already slick hands that clung to the
tiller bar. My legs struggled with the centrifugal force as I tacked further into the
surface of the Star, its immense gravity pulling me into its embrace. I fought the
mainsail, struggling to contain its attempt to rip free of my hands as the solar energy
ploughed into its surface. Its bronze sheet humming with energy. The heat of the
Sun grazed my back, crisping my shirt, preventing any build up of sweat.
The Star attempted to encompass my craft and drag me into its hot, death-ridden face.
I stamped down on the thruster and tore myself free from its grasp, shifting
further away from its Corona, its flailing Chromosphere visible through my goggles.
A flare flung itself at me, singeing my hair. Though there is no sound in space, my
head roared as the blood thrummed through my veins, pounding through my limbs as
it struggled to cope with the Stars fury. I pulled away from the star, using its own
anger to seize a chance to elude its rage.
I yawed out from the surface into the coolness of space. The Sun sat in the vastness
of it; incongruous, saturated in comparison... Sitting there gracelessly, waiting to be
fed.
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139,329 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Hey there Skyy and welcome to YWS!
I was asked to review this by a friend, so voila.
It's certainly an interesting piece of work you have here, but it feels much like a snippet of a bigger and more complicated picture and not a complete work in itself. It's certainly made me more curious as to the setting and context and everything, and would probably make more sense if you made it a little longer, but the mystery of the piece is alluring.
Now, Ita focused mostly on the grammatical mistakes in this piece, so I'll just nitpick a little and focus more on the actual ethos and other things.
That'd be arms, not arm. Also, it seems a rather weak opening line to me. It didn't really draw my interest to the story, and the flow of the story would be a lot better if it was the second line or so. I feel you should add in a sentence or so before it, just to make the opening a little more smooth and intriguing.
I don't think that [b]thrummed is quite the right word here, according to the dictionary (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/thrummed), it probably isn't what you meant to convey here, as thrum indicates a dull and monotonous hum, whereas blood pounding in one's ears doesn't really produce a hum. I believe 'throbbed' or a synonym would be more in sync with the piece.
Overall, this is a nice piece. I like how you sort of personified nearly everything, despite the fact that you and your vessel would be a pile of dust floating aimlessly through space this close to the sun or any star. There are a few befuddling things, but overall, it's a nice read.
I hope this review helped.
~Day
Hey Skyy! Welcome to YWS!
.I was asked to review this, so here I am.
It's an interesting piece of flash fiction, though, I don't really get the genre. Isn't it meant to be a tad more, poetic, maybe? Meaningful? I think this piece would do best as something longer, though that's just me. The piece makes me curious as to when, where, how and why , because it's so short. Which isn't really specified here. But hey, flash fiction.
Now, as for the grammatical part.
I don't really see why 'Star' is capitalized. Sun, yes, but not Star.
Tacked? According to multiple dictionaries (eg. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/tacked ), it's not exactly the verb I'd have chosen. Unless you refer to 'A course of action meant to minimize opposition to the attainment of a goal.' Nevertheless, perhaps a synonym would do.
Some confusion here. Which bronze sheet, exactly? The Sun's or the mainsail's? Either way, the period should be replaced by a comma, otherwise, it's just a statement sitting there with no logical connection to any other part of the story.
Erm, why are 'Corona' and Chromosphere capitalized? Same deal as 'Sun,' they're just definitions.
Possessive here, 'star' should have an apostrophe.
More confusion here, I'm afraid. What exactly do you mean by 'using its own anger'? Plus, 'rage' is just a synonym for 'anger', you might as well substitute it with 'it.' Though it still would make little sense I'm afraid.
Once again, 'yawned' is not the verb I would have chosen to express distancing from something.
??? This implies people often fall into the surface of the sun. On that note, how isn't the POV character a pile of floating space-dust by now? The sun is hot , especially that close to its surface.
A few minor inconsistencies, some things need elaboration, but all in all, not a bad piece.
Hope this helped
~Ita