Arkmond

PreviousNext

Arkmond
By Sammy Lee Rene

It was midday already, and her belly was showing its impatience to little Sarah. Sarah used to be round and small, but since she left the house, the only things that did not change were her dark grey eyes. She became thin and tall, her red hair had lost some of its colour and were rough and stuck to each other. The last meal she had was poor and dated of the night before. But that's the harsh reality of being homeless, so Sarah couldn't complain because after all, she was the one making the decision. Little Sarah was sit at the bottom stairs of the church. She looked rusty, dusty, dirty, but people kept giving her stuff. Sometimes she'd get a penny or two, sometime she'd get an apple or even a full meal when she was lucky. But this town, wasn't very pitiful. Today, all she got were left-overs from a bar downtown, but she got mugged by some other kids. She didn't even get the time to have a bite. Today wasn't her day, it was a bad day.
Just in front of her, she could see food everywhere as the market always used to come here in those sunny days. Sarah counted how many pennies she had in possession.
'1...3...13...15...25...26...' She counted out loud. 'What am I going to do with 26p ?' She got up and went up to the first merchant she saw.
'Excuse me sir, what can I buy with 26p?'
'Get the hell outta here, you're scaring my customers!' The merchant replied, waving his hand at her like some pet. 'But my belly hurts so bad, Mister! I'm just asking, what can I buy off you, sir? I have money!' She smiled politely. The merchant merged out of his stand to push Little Sarah away. Sarah tripped and felt on her back, her head touching the floor last. Sarah's precious money flew under and over, making it impossible to get a hold of any under so many people walking past. Little Sarah's head was pounding, but not as much as her belly. The fall had turned it over. She felt like she was going to puke. But she had nothing to throw up, and she knew how much it hurt when it happened. She got on her knees and started looking for her lost pennies. Unfortunately, she kept being pushed and so, gave up to cry her eyes out in front of everyone.
Annoyed, the merchant grabbed her by the clothes and threw her away. ' Go away, pathetic little girl, we don't want you here!' ' I'm not a little girl, I'm a grown up! Because I live on my own, ALONE!' 'Yeah sure, and you make a great job of it!' The merchant laughed openly. It was enough. Little Sarah saw the bag of apples laying there on their own that felt on the floor when she felt. She never though of stealing, she never liked the idea, but for desperate times comes desperate manors, and god knew times were hard right now. So Sarah snatched the pack of apples and ran away. The merchant started to yell for the police to hear, who were always around for those reasons. Sarah sprinted off the Agora and was now heading for the bridge. That was where she'd hide as it was the safest place around that she knew.
' HEY,STOP!' A first policeman saw her. he was running funnily scared, his eyes wide open and his left foot shaking badly. Sarah didn't notice, she just ran under his legs and ran faster. 'There she is! Catch her!' Another voice Sarah could hear. She looked back and saw nothing but officers. They were behind her yelling, yapping, screaming, cursing as Sarah felt her legs running out of juice. She turned left, and ran straight into a young, but older boy that stared at her confused. Little Sarah took another left a few meters away. She didn't know where she was going anymore. Her knowledge of the city was quite bad and she could only remember one way back to her bridge, but she passed it already. She'd missed her exit. She ran longer, getting slower every miles. She was holding her pack of apple like some kind of cup of eternal life and hated the fact that she'd get caught, that she'd wouldn't be able to taste those apples. She took right this time, and found herself in a dead end. 'I'm done...' Sarah thought out loud. she was going to do years in prison, or penalised to a death sentence, or worse, sent back home... 'Anything but home...' She whispered.
'Pssst, Hey!' Someone called Little Sarah. ' Over here!'
Sarah looked over, and saw this boy, the one she met a couple of miles ago. Her face to a weird composition. Confusion was understandable. ' How did you get here before me?' She asked. ' It doesn't matter right now, just come with me or you'll get caught!'
Sarah wanted to ask herself the good questions. Was he trustworthy, why is he helping? But she didn't have the time to. She choose to run and follow. ' Here, there's our way out.' The boy says showing the back door.' Let's go before they get here.' They walked outside the garden and came back straight in front of the market. It just seemed unrealistic. She could swear she'd run further away than that.
'OFFICER,OFFICER!!' The merchant broke his voice. 'Hop on.' The boy said ' climb on my back'. Little Sarah didn't think twice and jumped on his back. They ran straight for the market. 'Where are you going!?' 'I'm getting you out of here'
They jumped over the first stand with agility, as the merchant was running after them, with other unhappy customers. Oranges, Cooked and UNcooked fishes,apples, rabbits, were thrown at them but none seemed to be able to touch the boy or little Sarah and the boy seemed to hit his target every time he was grabbing... Or was he? Little Sarah realised that the only thing the boy was "grabbing"...was air... The objects seems to throw themselves. Little Sarah just got even more confused, but what was the point asking.
The two of them just got to the other end, heading for the streets heading for the rich part of Arkmond but the boy was confident, he was running fast, too fast, it seemed. The sound of the merchant yelling, the policemen running with their guns, tazzers, and handcuffs, that was colliding together, all that was fading away, until they just disappeared. 'Hold you breath, girl.' The boy says calmly. Little Sarah hold her breath, and watched. The boy tendered his hand in front, and a tiny ball flew out his hands. There was a bright light, and they were then running into what looked like a round hole, with in its centre a deformed, blurry reflect of a living room. They jumped in and instantly came out in the same living room. The boy dropped her off his back. She turned around to see nothing but a wall. The boy saw her confusion.
'Hey, you all right?' The boy said. He looked like he was gaining weight again. Some parts of his body were skeletal, but seemed muscular. He was quite handsome though, light skinned, probably mixted-race, which was rare around here. He had green eyes, with mid-short curly brown hair. 'You hold your breath, right?' He asked. Sarah nodded and the boy sighed of relief. 'Thank god, I wouldn't want you to throw up on my brand new carpet, do I !' He laughed. Sarah stared at it, felt like he jinxed her. 'Bwwwaaaaahh!!' The boy heard. He turned around to see Little Sarah wiping her mouth. He blubbered. ' You didn't hold your breath properly, did you!' But he already knew the answer. Little Sarah shook her head, her hands tighten to her belly.

So here they were already, sat on the couch, smelling vomit everywhere, even with the windows opened. Sarah, finally feeling like she could eat something again, opened her pack of apples and started to eat. She looked at the boy, leaning against the window, terrified. He looked at her, and came closer. ' You don't have to be afraid of me. I won't hurt you.'
' How would I know? A stranger with powers saves my life, takes me to his home and doesn't ask me to leave after? You obviously have something bigger in mind'
The boy got up. 'I'm sorry if I made you feel that way, I should know better. I don't have anything bigger for us. But we're both on our own, and I know how hard it is on the street, so I wanted to help. I saw what happened at the market, everything. You're not bad. If you want a place to stay, then you can stay here, with me. If you don't trust me then go, but my doors are always open...
'How would you know how it feels?' Little Sarah said on the defensive. 'What?' The boy misheard. ' I said, how would you know how it feels, to be on the streets I mean...'
The boy sat back down. ' I know because I've been leaving in the streets since I'm four years old. Trust me, there's nothing you've done that I haven't.'
Sarah took a bite in her last apple, vanishing in seconds. ' How come you have powers?' She asked. ' I've never seen someone like you before.' ' I don't know myself. The only other people with powers I know are the royal family. There is obviously more of us out there, but this is not my quest so...' Little Sarah seemed interested. ' So if you use your powers over here, what would they do?' ' They either put you in jail or send you to fight for the royal army. But how come you don't know this, where do you come from?'
'Nordenol!' She answered proud.
' Oh, I see. Interesting.' The boy said, all smily. ' Why? What's with the smile?' Sarah smiled too.
' I once went to Nordenol, and steal from you was a piece of cake!' He laughed.
' Not from me, you wouldn't.' She said calmly. 'Oh, and why's that?' The boy played along. ' Because that would be stealing from yourself...' She then said. It took a few seconds for him to apprehend. 'Oh, OH! So you're staying then!' He said, enthusiast. Sarah nodded. ' I guess I'll give it a try, it doesn't seem so bad.'. The boy started talking about how cool it'd become to live together, that they'd go chase dragons in the northern valley, ride on white lions, meet elf, giants, and meet all his "friends" from the street.
'Wait, wait, I don't even know your name yet!' The boy said.
' I'm Sarah Mensworth.' She said, with class.
'Nice to meet you, Ms Mensworth, I am Tavae Mahe!'

The night was at betrayal. Her soft and light fresh breeze made the night look inoffensive. Even the moon was shining like it never did before. How could something possibly happen? But this night wasn't meant to be. A horrific scream coming from the royal corridors, had just echoed to Elener's ears. The young prince, jumped out of bed and put on his robe. Elener looked tired. His brown eyes were wore out, his dark curly hair were dry and seemed out place. But training was to blame. He was to follow intensif training for a whole year, under the right-arm's king and father of Elener. He was nearly done, and his body was to show it. He was tall, muscular and firm body, with a real balance between strength and agility. Elener looked like a superhero posing for magazines. He was proud of his body. The young prince ran for the corridors. The door creaked as he pushed it. He walked out in a deafening silence. The corridor was at the top of the stairs, where his sister's and his room were located. Elener looked down at the ground floor, making each of his step more silent than the others. He could see something had happened here. The carpet was rolled and shifted to suspicious positions, vases and wardrobes were broken or lying on the icy marbled floor. ' Is anyone here?' Elener whispered but got no responses. He headed for the stairs and lighted his hand to see through the darkness of the night. A glowy shine raised off his fingers and palms. Just before he stepped down, a gasp bounced for Elener's incredible earring. Elener turned around, hands up. The light that was until now low, brightened up the all part of the castle now. It lightened up the feet that were hanging out the ceiling. The prince raised up his hand and saw stupefied, his governor half stuck to the ceiling by some nearly invisible strings. They were on his hands, his stomach, torso and throat. He managed to free his legs before Elener got out of his room. 'Stay still, Mr. Governor.' The prince said to him. His glowy hands turned blue, which then came out freely from his fingers as water strings. They flew for the other strings and cut through in a touch. The governor felt for the ground, into Elener's arms, who has already got under. 'You alright?' He asked. 'Could have been worse, I guess.' The governor said. 'Where did they go?' Elener asked. ' They came out from nowhere, but they were headed for the main living room.'
'Thanks Governor, I appreciate. The governor nodded before disappearing into the darkness.
Elener turned his light back down. He walked downstairs, and headed for the main living room. The place was dark, it was deserted. Elener continued for the next door, the family room. He noticed the very weak light coming out of the lock, that kept moving around, getting from light to dark. Someone was in there, something was happening, but where was everyone else, did no one hear the noise? The light was turned off. They were on their way out. Elener jumped for the ceiling and hide in its corner. The door opened, and three person came out of it. One tall man in its centre, a woman and another man with swords on his back.
'Find the King, I'll take care of the kids. We bring them back here for the killing.' The others nodded and took different paths. The tall man was now alone. There was Elener's chance. He had to make noise, wake everyone up. Alert everyone. Elener was ready to attack. He had the advantage of surprise. He jumped down and punched right in his stomach. The man flew for the wall and felt right through it. Elener ran to finish him, before two strings grabbed Elener's fist. Elener pulled the man towards him and served him with a front kick back in his stomach. He flew away and broke their strings. Almost instantly, a third string aimed for him, a kitchen knife attached to it. Elener dodged and watched it stuck itself to the wall. It was close enough to make Elener loose balance. A white spark came in and out. ' A...?' Elener didn't get to see it in time, a bright light came out of it, before the entire room exploded.

Sahara Arkmond, princess of Arkmond, heard the explosion from far away. Her blue eyes were shaking of fear. But her body was saying something else. She was fit. She'd been training with Elener too, but had difficulties overcoming her fear. Her, her dad, and her governor were standing there, watching in direction of Arkmond. 'What just happened? We need to go back there!?'
'I want you to follow your governor Sahara, you're heading for Arkhinam. You'll wait for us there. If we're not back in two days, I want you to leave.'
'What!?' Sahara protested.' What about my brother,mother? I can help!' ' But this is not your fight, it has never been!' Her dad said as he walked away. 'Governor?' The king said calm. 'Yes, my king.' ' I'm counting on you to protect my daughter with you life.'
' There's no doubt to have about it, my king.'
The king raised his hand, and opened a teleporting portal. 'Castle' he whispered. The portal opened, and the king stepped in.

Elener had backed up in a corner of the room and built a wall of earth. But Elener wasn't spared by the explosion. The fire managed to burn his arm before he could get to safety. Elener was in great pain. He opened up, and came out of his coccoon. There was only dust and fire. It even blew up next door. Smoke had become a mist of unbreathable air. With a simple wave of hand, the mist moved away from Elener and headed for the other room. The man was barely standing, fragile against the wall. His luck got to an end too. Two metals bars had somehow pierced through his arm and pelvis. A third one was in his leg, but he'd took it out and stopped the bleeding with his shirt.
' What do you want with my family, we've done nothing wrong!' Elener asked. ' Nothing in particular, it's against your father I am after. I will make him pay.'
'What for? What has he done?' The prince asked again. The tall man smiled. ' A year ago, my family and I went for a trip. We had a tight budget, so we decided we would walk half, use a car for the other half. We started walking from Arkhinam and got to Arkmond within a day. My wife and kids were exhausted so we decided to make a stop to the closest motel. Unfortunately, a burglary had taken place this night. They took my wife, my kids and left me for dead. Your dad watched me, and walked away! HE WALKED AWAY!' The man got crazy. Elener was confused. ' You want our death because my father probably thought that you were dead? Why didn't you pursue the ones that killed your family?' The prince asked.
' That's what I did, and as they begged me for mercy, they told me that he was the king of Arkmond. I felt like he had to pay. Here's pay day!' Elener looked at the guy. ' Who are you?' 'I'm Alexander Mahe, head of the legion.'
'What's the legion?' Elener came to ask. ' You'll know soon enough, if you live through tonight.' 'Who do you think you are, you can't even take a twelve year old prince down , what do you think you're going to do to my father? You're not dangerous enough!' Said Elener getting sick of this guy. ' Who said this was the real me? This is just some random magicians I found useful.'
' Well you gonna have to find another one, because he's just about to die!' Elener ran for Alexander's fake body, and fired at him. But as the smoke came down , the body wasn't here anymore. It'd vanished into thin air.

Sahara watched her father go, feeling useless. She wasn't sure that she would see them again. The situation seemed quite out of hand. As the portal fades away, a dusty shadow was heading towards them. 'I think we have a change of plan' the governor said. He started his ritual. He was using hands signs, followed by a foreign language.
' Ashama iste andebou
Milleanos coustame endo'
As soon as his old magic was activated, governor raised his hand and raised the ground they were on. They started flying away, but it did not stop the shadow man to keep running after them. The shadow jumped at the rock and took a sword out. Everything then went quick. Blood spattered on Sahara's face. The swords had violently cut through the governor's hips. Sahara watched him separate from its body, as the ground went straight back for the ground. Sahara jumped away from the rock and landed a few meters away. The shadow man appeared from nowhere and grabbed her by the throat. Sahara was now lifted off the floor. ' FIRE!' She casted just before her whole body turned into burning fire. The man did not feel a thing. He kicked her in her stomach and kicked another time in her face. Sahara felt unconscious.

Queen Arkmond hide for time in the secret tunnels. She never got used to using them, but knew where she was going. A shiny ball of light above her head, Queen walked for the family room. She pushed the hidden door in what use to be a fireplace and threw the ball up to see. She could smell smoke, and saw the wall completely destroyed. Fire too.
' Elener? Arkmond? Sahara?' She whispered carefully, but none of them were to respond.
'Zzzzaaaap!' She heard. Arkmond's portal had just opened. 'Oh my god, I though you were dead!' She jumped at him. ' Well I am not, and neither is Sahara. She's safe. Let's go.' ' What about Elener? Have you seen him?'
' Not yet, but I think he was involved in the explosion.'
'Is he alright?' She asked worried. ' How would I know?' He raised his shoulders. ' I guess we better find out!'.
The Arkmonds walked through the wall. The room was destroyed. Elener was standing in the centre, paralysed. He saw his mother and father walking up to him. Why did they have to come now?! 'Get out now!' Elener yelled. The king backed up with the queen. Elener ran for the wall and raised, his hands took a red glowy shine. A first string flew past, followed by a second one. ' What's happening, El?' The king said. ' Mr. Mahe is here to avenge on us. You wouldn't know him, wouldn't you?' The king took a second to think. ' I may have heard about him.' He said cynically. Elener fired like a mad man. The all room set on fire. ' We need to go.' Elener said. ' And since when do I get orders from you?' King Arkmond said on a defensive.
'Since you LIED TO US!' Elener replied heartlessly firm. They moved out from the room and headed for the secret passage. 'Hey, where are you going?' Said a dying voice. 'Let us go. There's no point in killing us, it'll never bring your family back.' Elener nearly begged. 'Oh, shut up! You have no idea how it feels like...like..., to be alone. But I can help you with that!' Alexander raised his hand and pointed at the queen. She busted out of the window in a up going screaming. 'NOOOO!!' They both said as Alexander lowered his hand. King Arkmond jumped after Queen. He tried to open a portal, but wasn't quick enough. He grabbed her by the arm and hold her safe against him until they crashed. Elener watched them hit the floor, with nothing but the sound of the dust coming up.
' Just you and me now...' Alexander smiled. ' You're sick. What you are doing makes no sense, everything that is happening, makes NO SENSE!'
' I know it doesn't, but what does? All I know kid, is that I will make your lives a living hell.' Alexander had a evil grin on his face. ' I'll stop you. I'll find you and I'll put you where you belong: in jail!' Alexander busted out laughing. ' You're still a kid, you have no idea what is about to happen. Once you understand, the only thing you'll want to do to me, is to kill me. Then, we'll meet again.'. Elener cracked a smile. ' We'll see each other soon then...'

6 years later...

'So what's the plan boys ?!' Said Tavae, sat in a red wasted sofa. 'Do what you do best. The night guards are leaving in ten minutes. You have five to get in there, take as much cash as you can and get out. We'll be waiting for you here.' The man was tall and muscular, even squarish but Tavae couldn't stop notice that he was afraid of him. He was looking straight at him, but his eyes would roll down at times, just like the four others sit around.
'You better not run with it shitface!' One says, covered by a shadow. He obviously was quite small but was holding a rifle in his left hand, standing on his knee. Tavae had a small grin on his face. 'Like I would...'. The tall man, the leader, get up and grab Tavae by the shirt from across the table. 'You may not be touchable pretty boy, but I bet your little sister is.'. Tavae's grin was wiped off. ' Get off me!' Tavae pushes him away with rage. The leader trips and hit the wall, only in a light fall, nothing serious. But his honour was at stake. The tension then lifted. In a second, all guns were out, all pointing at Tavae's body parts. He did not move. ' I'll get your money, just make sure I get my share...' The men lowered their guns under the man's command. The leader came closer. ' You have the power to take every single one of us easy, you could become so much more with your gifts, but yet you do not use them to their full potential... Shame, you should give them to me!' He walked away. Tavae disappeared in a blink, under the unimpressed eyes of the gang.
'Boss', asks one of the guy. ' Are we still going for the plan? I hate this guy.'. The leader rubbed his head gently, as he couldn't admit he was suffering. ' Yeah, let's get rid of the worm for good...'

El, it's time.' Said a soft voice behind him. She stood there waiting for an answer, her sword and armour on. ' I'll be there soon enough Jessica. Get the troops ready for the debriefing.' Jessica nodded. She was a very beautiful woman. She had dark lightly curly hair, orange eyes and spotless light-skinned face. She was fit and elegant like cats, as she was a re-incarnation of one. Jessica Cat, relative of the goddess Cat. She looked like a feline, and was as wild and skilled as one.
Elener was staring at the blue sky, scruting for the few sphinx left flying above the city. The northern lights were shining bright, close to dazzle El's eye. Elener remembered how similar this night was to the one six years ago. It's been haunting him since day one. He dressed up, and went for the briefing room. All troups were already waiting for him, standing silent like sticks. He walked up the small steps up for the stage. A man came out of the crowd and rise for the stage, as he stand in its corner. Elener didn't give him attention. ' Today, we're about to catch one hell of the most wanted bandit in this town. He's sixteen years old, mixted-race, curly brown hair, average height. He's an extraordinary external magic user, don't underestimate him. He also never shown any sign of violence before, however, don't give him the chance. The most dangerous men are the ones that don't expect. Keep your guard up.' Elener took a break and glanced at the man in the corner. The man raised his hands, and a map materialised in front of the troups, just above Elener's head. Her continued. ' In exactly...five minutes' says El as he looked at his watch. ' We are about to circle the place. I want team A to block every exit. Team B will be freezing all hyper-atomic vibrations, so jumping portals won't get him anywhere. Special forces will be led by Jessica. They will enter and immobilise the suspect. If, in any possible way, something was to come out of here without handcuffs and officers around, you have order to kill. I will lead the sky team. We will never be far if something goes wrong. Capish?!'
The troops yelled a big "yes sir", before Elener goes off the stage. ' The name of our bandit is Mr. Mahe, Tavae Mahe. He is a relative to Alexander Mahe, the man that killed my mother and took my sister. Maybe he has informations on him. I know I said to kill him if he gets out, but that was the captain talking. try not to kill him...' Elener turned back around.
'Let's go!' Jessica ordered in a distance. Elener had already left the room.

Here was Tavae, in front of the back door to the private bank of King Arkmond. As his two fingers raised, locks started clicking away, unlocking the door silently. Tavae pushed the door and walked in. Tavae tightened his fist. In a symphony of broken lenses and torn plastic covers, cameras and surveillance recorders were crushed and destroyed, unable to record anything anymore. He was fine now. In fact, he was always fine. Tavae had been stealing since the age of four. It wasn't new for him. No surprises, no fear. It became like a walk in the park.
'I'm singing in the rain...' Tavae started to sing. The place was dark. A few light were on, but they didn't permit Tavae to see everywhere. Tavae could just light something, but it was risky. He preferred to stay in the shadows for now. Tavae was already about to enter the room. His confidence was over-flowing, and didn't get to see the shadow that walked across the room through the key hole. Hand on the door, he enters the room and close it back silently. The place was darker than predicted. It wasn't supposed to be like that. Gold was suppose to shine across the room, just like on the picture. Tavae took it out of his pocket. 'They moved it...' Tavae realised.' A trap...' He walks back for the door and tries to open it. It's locked. From the side, a red glow spark started to load up for his direction. Tavae moved away in a second, quickly enough, before the lava attack was to touch him. 'FIRE!' Screams Jessica. A variety of attacks were now heading towards Tavae. Fire, water, energy ball, generated clones, bullets and spells were running across the room to only one point: Tavae's location. They fired for ages. The room was now bright enough for Jessica to see the turning sphere made of what they just fired. Tavae's arm were raised, as everything was floating around him. His sphere was getting bigger and bigger by the second. 'Stop!' Jessica said ' Everyone to cover!'
Tavae moved his hands in front of him, and closed his eyes. What was now floating in a spherical way, was now getting compressed, getting smaller and heading all between Tavae's hands. It only took five seconds for Jessica to understand.
'Compressed rasorbeam?!' Jessica stood up to him. The ground was breaking, loosing gravity around Tavae's attack. Big chunk of the building was coming off, even soldiers that were standing to close started levitating. Jessica ran for Tavae.
Tavae did the same. They were now heading towards each other. Jessica fired a wave of lava, which Tavae dodged easily. Jessica saw Tavae about to beam her, and fired back in the hope that she'd touch him. Jessica hit first, but she was the only one firing. Tavae ran under her arm ran straight for the wall. In a smoking explosion, Tavae jumped out of his made up exit, flew into the air. Jessica took out her communicator. ' He got away. Call the dragoners.' Elener responded straight away. ' I'm already on him, I'll take care of it myself.' ' Fair enough. Be careful, he's powerful AND clever. He might be a test to your strength' Said Jessica and ended the communication.

El jumped on his dragon. The beast was still asleep, but got up and flew in a second's time. They jump off the cliff and headed for the sky. 'Good girl.' El said, rubbing her blue fur. It didn't take long to find Tavae. The thief was flying, not urgently, in mid-air like he was in some kind of night escapade.
'Catch!' Elener whispered at his dragon's ear. The dragon pierced through wind and opened her mouth.
' WHAT THE ...!' Tavae screamed before backing away. But Elener was already on him. Holding him with air magic, El dragged him with violence back at him. El then stood up and side-kicked right for his lower jaw. The sound of his jaw dislocking itself made him loose focus. Elener took him and threw him for the ground. Tavae took his courage and relocated his jaw properly. He raised a hand for the ground and water busted out of the floor to slow his fall. He landed fine, but it wasn't over. Elener was already firing fireballs at him. Tavae jumped, and flew high for the sky again. It was his turn to kick his ass. Tavae flew for the dragon, dodging all enemies attacks. He flew under the dragon cut its wing using his lighting magic. In a blinding brightness, the blue furry wing separated from its body, a thin strip of gold dust stirring out. The beast started to flip around in a scream of great pain. They were losing attitude. Elener jumped back up for Tavae, leaving the dragon to its death. The two were fist fighting in mid-air now, falling for the ground. A left, a right, then another left in Tavae's face. He was about to lose consciousness. However, he did not give up. He grabbed Elener by his armour and layed down his palm on his forehead. A spark raised off it, and El stopped moving. Only his eyes, wide open of confusion, were to wonder around, stare into Tavae's bleeding face. Tavae felt with Elener. He'd faint for this last move. There was a big crash. Smoke, fire, noise, degradation, and both were now unconscious, lying down on the floor.

Comments & reviews · 1
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

You can earn up to 786 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.
User avatar
Skellingtom
Review

That is one mighty ugly wall of text. Please put in paragraphs so that it is readable.

"It was midday already, and her belly was showing its impatience to little Sarah. Sarah used to be round and small, but since she left the house, the only things that did not change were her dark grey eyes."

It seems to me as if you are telling rather than showing. Try reading this guide: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/show-dont-tell/

If you still don't get it: http://www.foremostpress.com/authors/ar ... _tell.html

Understanding and implementing the suggestions in these will massively improve your writing. I'm not say that it's particularly 'bad' at the moment, but there is definite room for improvement, and that is what a writer always seeks, improvement of his craft.

Thanks for helping. I now can see where I was wrong.



He who knows only his own generation remains forever a child.
— Cicero