Colors;
luminescent
swirling.
They dance before me,
enthralling,
in this dreamworld.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I am so sorry, but I have to say that this was.......Amazing
I can see where they are coming from, saying it's to short, but I disagree. I like it the way it is. Its dreamy and flowy. I read your poem, then scrolled down and read the first two reviews and was like, WHAT? I mean, I guess if you really wanted to make it longer then you could, but it could work this way too.
Keep up the good work!
~Ktg
Thanks to all commenters and you guys gave me much to think about.
I shall try to develop this.
So 2 people like absolutely long and boring poems, unless of course theyre not boring. Those two hated the fact that the poem was short and they couldnt write a 2000 word rant about how much you need to change it. And two people like short poems because they have a short attention span, or they jsut like haikus, either one is fine.
This poem was....
legen......
wait for it
......dary.
I liked it, short, but sweet. You could make it into a larger poem, with this as the beginning, but that's up to you. Good job, Keep Writing!
Here to Bamboozle you!
I have to agree with HostofHorus on this one, seriously, I loved it. It was dreamlike and swirly and hazy. I don't think it matters that it's short, because you gave the reader a sort of dazed imagery, a kailiadescope (can't spell that ^_^) of colours, and used great words like 'luminescent' and 'enthralling'.
Nitpicks:
Okay, there's nothing to really nitpick at here, but I'd just like to point out that if you're going to use commas at the end of your lines, then you need one here;
Also, I think the idea you have is brilliant, a dreamworld, swirling colours <3 but, I'd like to see it a lot longer, I think it has a lot of potential, why are you in this dreamworld? Are you asleep? Do you go there often? What else is it like? Is there anyone else there? Or are you alone? Can you get out? How do you feel? Answer these questions with the same skill you've used here, and it could be brilliant.
Also, welcome to YWS
Keep up the writing!
~Tinkem
I'll make this short. Don't listen to the above.... This is obviously a kind of Haiku like poem, it doesn't need a ton of words. It isn't supposed to.... So yeah, I don't think that should be very hard to notice.... I liked it
Very open to the imagination! I do have a hard time reviewing haikus... they have such little to say other than I liked it or not.... But... Good job, and if you have anything else you might want me to take a look at let me know!
When poems have very few lines, in my experience, it means that they are either deep and ponderous and philosopical, or 'shallow' - so to speak - empty, and just plain. I'm sorry to inform you that your poem fitted into the latter catagory. There was nothing for me to review or 'nitpick'. I can't tell you that this poem has potential - because unless you add to it and enlarge upon this idea of dreams then this poem is pointless and without purpose. Sorry for the harsh critique...it wasn't a very nice welcome, was it! Well, anyways, WELCOME! You'll be able to improve your skills here and will also be able to help fellow writers improve theirs! If you need anything, don't hesitate to PM me or leave a comment on my wall.
~ Amelia
Was that it? I think the reason there is nothing to critique is because there is almost nothing there to begin with. You have a good start, here, but it definitely needs more, more, more. Perhaps explain what the dreamworld is? Daydreaming, sleeping-dreaming, what? You have good adjectives in there, though, I'll give you that much. Good start, it just needs some developing.