12+ Violence

ZRAC: Prologue

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“You killed me, Zhee! How could you do that to your little sister?!”

Little Sarah looked up at me with big brown eyes, begging, pleading at me for an answer. I turned away, holding back the tears that only she could bring out.

“I couldn’t… I... I had to, Sarah. You had turned! Living a half life isn’t living one at all! You-- you would have killed me!" I yelled. Tears threatened to fall as I turned around to face her, recalling the toddler I left asleep in the forest one day, who woke up undead.

"I didn't have the medicine to cure you. Please, please, please, Sarah. Forgive me," I whispered.

Sarah’s eyes glowed a murderous red. Her feet floated off of the ground and her hair whipped around her face.

“You killed me! How could I forgive that?”

I shrunk back, terrified of the demon child who was once my sister. Her body smoldered with fury. Her face began to flicker between toddler and skull. Smoke curled from her fingers and trickled to the floor. I was nearly knocked down by the waves of hate rippling from her.

"Because I'm your sister, maybe?" I whispered.

Her anger melted. She threw herself at me desperately for one last hug. I felt an extremely sharp pain in my chest area. I didn’t need to look down to know that it was a katana, like the one I used to kill her. I screamed in pain and struck out violently. Sarah ducked, looking horrified. I scratched franticly at my chest, but I couldn't find the weapon. My hands became stained with dark blood I knew was mine. Sarah cradled my head and whispered a lullaby I had always sung her. I croaked along with her in a dying harmony as my vision started flickering out. Her tears salted my lips.

“I’m sorry, Sarah.”

Then everything went black.

~~~~~

I shot up in my cot. It was all a dream, I reminded myself, looking anxiously around my bedroom. The old storage space was completely empty, all bare concrete and oil spots. One metal dresser and a bed decorated the dirty little room. I had no belongings when I came to Z.A.C. and I didn't plan on gathering any more. Anything that could be used to track us in this reality. I sighed, putting my head in my hands.

That’s when Bellatrix came running in, yelling her head off. 30 seconds of peace and quiet, that’s all I got. Typical. 

“Zhia! It’s an attack!" my friend yelped, "Where were you? Didn’t you hear the alarm?”

Startled, I stared at her. I must have slept through the whole thing. “What do you mean, attack?”

She stomped her foot and huffed in annoyance.

"I mean that we're under attack!” she said sarcastically.

She gave me a look and promptly raced out of the room.

I tugged my battle suit on as quickly as I could, and rushed out of the storage room after her, armed to the teeth and ready to bust some zombie heads.

~~~~~

The battlefield looked like a scene from a war movie. There were corpses and blood everywhere, gunshots echoing, and small fires scattered across the field. I looked on grimly for a second, and then charged in, armed with my dual katanas, a few daggers, a few throwing knives, and a couple grenades.

I ran over to a few teens of low rank who were totally surrounded and sliced up a couple of the zombies. I blew up the oncoming wave with a grenade to buy them some time as they gathered their wounded. I helped a little kid, maybe 10 years old, off of the field so he could get his arm treated at the hospital area. Then I continued running to help my friends, Bellatrix, Selene, Xavier, and Mici.

“How’s it going?” I yelled over the loud explosions going off everywhere.

“Not good!” Mici yelled back, gesturing around us. I looked around, noticing anxiously that the bodies strewn everywhere were mostly ours. I winced, and fought even harder than before.

Bellatrix dodged a zombie, and Mici busted its head open as it went past. Selene punched one in the gut while I pounded on its back. We worked as a team, fighting just like we had been trained to. For hours, it seemed, we knocked the creatures down, but new ones kept popping up from the field. We were nearly at the front of the invasion, and were getting the brunt of the undead. I glanced towards the building, hoping to spot reinforcements, and that’s when I noticed something really bad.

“Bella!” I shouted, knowing that the nickname would get her attention.

“Don’t call me--" She suddenly stopped short. "Dear god…” 

She had noticed where I was pointing. There was a titanic fire tickling the defensive walls right beside our Walmart. 

“We have to stop it! If we don’t, our base will just... just... go poof!” I made a little explosion gesture with my hands. “We'll all die.”

“I realize that, Zhia! SELENE! Look!” Bellatrix yelled.

Selene turned and stared in shock. She then screamed, “Well, what are you waiting for? Come on!”

I muttered, “Always the big strong leader…” 

“Will you be able to hold them?” I asked Mici and Xavier.

Mici nodded briefly. I smiled at him and then ran furiously to catch up to my friends for what could be the last mission we ever had. I shuddered at the thought.

The blaze was giant, to say the least. Flames seems to lick the sky above us. The blaze must have been about twenty-five feet high. The enormous bonfire raged across the plain with the ferocity of a starving tiger. If we didn't stop it soon, it was going to completely destroy our home.

“Together?” Selene asked.

Bellatrix and I nodded. I raised my hand up so it was perpendicular to my body, and watched as my friends did the same. Together, we concentrated on our powers, and their respective uses. 

I focused on blowing the flame down, back onto itself next to my friends, while they tried something they had just learned: absorbing the fire. Their hands were thrust directly into the embers in front of them, making me grimace in sympathy. The lack of flames made a protective pocket, giving us a tiny area where the heat didn't hurt us. It was still horribly hot and dangerous, and if we stepped out of it we would literally be blasted to cinders, but still, it let us get up close and personal with the fire, which we needed to put it out. I subconsciously kept cool air flowing into it, to keep us from dying of heat exhaustion, but it was incredibly intense. Even sitting within a few feet of a backyard 2-foot campfire feels disturbingly like you're getting a little singed around the edges. This was like that feeling times a million. And after about five minutes of intense concentration, Selene broke.

“I can’t go anymore, I-- I can't!”

She fell to the ground, panting. I knew that if she said that she was ‘spent’, then she really was. Selene would keep going until every ounce of energy was gone. Her eyes were glassy, and the hair on her arms was singed off. Small flames ran through her hair. She couldn't do much more now than stop her skin being burned off. I glanced over at her in concern. I shouldn’t have. I lost control for one second, and all hell broke loose.

The wind knocked me off balance and I tripped, knocking Bellatrix over, making her lose concentration. Half-focused and exhausted like she was, she couldn't control her powers. Her hands stopped absorbing fire, and the pocket of protection we had crumpled. The flames came down upon us, and I heard one last echoing “NO!” before everything faded into intense heat. Red, orange, and yellow took control of my sight, and darkness clouded my eyes. The fire was so intense. I probably screamed, but the fire scalded my skin and hair, and I could hear nothing except its intrusive roaring. I clawed furiously at my roasting head, but nothing happened. I could only smell my hair smoldering. My brain went into shock as I burned. It made me feel flashes of cold and calm before blasting me back into the blazing heat. All these feelings happened in a matter of seconds. Then, suddenly--

I felt nothing.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Maverick
Review

Hi Zhia (and CuriosityCat) :D

So, I’ll start right off the bat by saying that I have not read anything but this prologue. You mentioned in another reply that this was for a sequel. As you can guess, that means my suggestions will not be too related to story development and such, but mainly style and grammar :) Hopefully you still find this useful!

Okay, so I like the idea of you story! Of course, there are many unexplained details I don’t understand because I haven’t read anything else, but I do enjoy your characters thus far (especially the ever-so headstrong Bellatrix). Zombie apocalypses are always cool in my book. I also like your word choice throughout the prologue (varied selection and plenty of detail) as it made it easy for me to picture what was going on :)

Nitpicks/suggestions:


Capitalize ‘how’ in the first sentence. There are a couple other tiny mistakes like this, so maybe keep an eye out for them the next time you read over your story!

“I couldn’t… I... I had to, Sarah. You had turned! Living a half life isn’t living one at all! You-- you would have killed me! I didn't have the medicine. Please. Forgive me." I whispered.

‘Forgive me’ should be followed by a comma, because quotation mark rules. Also, half the sentence is being shouted, yet the verb ending it is whispered. I feel like it could be broken up some more, or at least rearranged, not only to fix that, but to have the opportunity to add more detail.
ie. “I couldn’t… I... I had to, Sarah. You had turned! Living a half life isn’t living one at all! You-- you would have killed me! I didn't have the medicine.” Tears threatened to fall as I turned around to face her, recalling [insert random detail that happened as Sarah was turning into a zombie or her death or whatnot]. I was met with a stone-cold expression.
“Please,” I choked out. “Forgive me.”

“I screamed in pain and struck out, hitting nothing.”

But but but isn’t Sarah right there, giving her a hug/stab in the chest? Wouldn’t she hit Sarah? :<

Continuing from that sentence:
“My hands became suddenly stained with blood I knew was mine.”

When did she reach up and touch the chest wound? Maybe explain why they would suddenly become stained with blood.

Startled, I stared at her.
“What do you mean, attack?”’

No need for a enter space here, since the MC is the one talking.

’About 30 minutes passed, and that’s when I noticed something really bad.”

Rather than just tell us thirty minutes passed (because A that’s a bit of a boring, systematic transition and B I think it would be a bit hard for the main character to know how much time has passed while in the middle of fighting), tell us in actions how time passed! “After shooting down what seemed liked the thousandth zombie head, something caught my eye at our defensive walls. Something really bad.” (Okay, I’m terrible at writing potential ideas, but you get the point.)

‘I muttered, “Always the strong leader…” And then paused before questioning Mici and Xavier, “Will you be able to hold them?”’

Hm, the ‘and’ there technically shouldn’t be in caps because it is still one sentence. I suggest changing the sentence structure. For example:
“Always the strong leader,” I muttered, and after a brief pause, I turned towards Mici and Xavier. “Will you be able to hold them?”

‘Flames seems to lick the sky above us, it must have been about twenty-five and a half feet high.’

(I like the image of flames licking the sky. Nice one!) Comma splice! You are connecting two independent, or complete sentences, with a comma. You can replace it with a semi-colon, connect it with conjunctions, make two separate sentences, etc.

“Had we not been there to stop it, it would have completely destroyed our home.”

They technically have not yet stopped the flame, so it would make more sense if Zhia says something in present tense, like “if we didn’t stop it soon, it would destroy our homes” etc.

“Sitting within a few feet of a backyard 2-foot campfire feels like your head might explode.”

Er, I disagree. It is quite hot, but certainly nowhere near the point of having your head explode, which is a bit of an irrelevant comparison to make. I’d say to tone down the exaggeration here and stick to face-melting or flesh-burning instead of head-exploding ;)

The ending paragraph was great, filled with lots of clear imagery (ie. “I clawed furiously at my roasting head, but nothing happened. I could only smell my hair burning.” - Ouch!), and dang, that cliffhanger! :P We all have a love-hate relationship for them: I both admire the suspense and hate the fact that I have to wait for more to know about our poor MC here and her companions…

What I’m about to address next is mainly something in my preference. One thing I would like to bring to your attention is the amount of times you use ‘then’. In particular, there were a few times you used it to start a sentence. (ie. “Then everything went black”, “Then, she promptly raced out of the room”, etc.) Either that, or it was “[…] and then this happened” format. Personally, unless your going through a long list of actions and finishing it up, you don’t really need that extra then in most cases. Or, you could replace it with detail for a smoother transition.

ie. “Then, she promptly raced out of the room.” → “Bellatrix gave me one last glare before promptly racing out of the room”

Something that would make the story more professional in my opinion is if you were to keep a minimum to the amount of ‘?!’ and caps you used and opted instead to convey emphasize and impact with italicizing certain words and adding verbs :D
For example: ““ZHIA! It’s an attack! Where were you?! Didn’t you hear the alarm?!”
You could take this and instead write:
“Zhia!” Bellatrix screamed. “It’s an attack! Where were you? Didn’t you hear the alarm?”

On a final note: this is intended to be a prologue. However, I feel like it is actually in between a prologue and first chapter, event-wise. Now, this is a very particular suggestion that you might hate completely and that’s okay! I’ll say it anyways in the off chance it might help. I think you should take the dream, expand upon the scene drastically, and make that your prologue. As the other reviewer (Raven) pointed out, I think it would be best to have it in italics, because that’s often how it goes. Prologues are fine when they are vague on events, and it would introduce the immediate problem that the MC is being haunted by the action of killing her sister (and I presume the sister-killing was a big issue in the last book).

The next part to this is that the remainder of the prologue gets turned into you first chapter. There is so much action that happens it just seems like too much of a jump into the story to be considered a prologue. Even though this is a second novel, there is still a need for basic information. Not only does this refresh readers’ minds of who’s who and the details of the previous book, but newcomers (like myself) are able to grasp the basis of the plot and can decide if the first book is something (s)he’d want to read. Just adding little snippets (as to what ZAC is, what their powers are, who Bellatrix and the others are in relation to Zhia, etc.) reestablishes what’s what in the story’s universe for both the new and the old. As it is, the length would be a tad short for a first chapter, so’d you’d have to add more detail. Even if you decide to keep the whole thing a prologue, I feel like there is just so much opportunity everywhere for you to go a step further and create an even clearer picture! Of course, there is such a thing as an overkill of info, but I really think it wouldn’t hurt to write in more pertaining to observatory details.

So after rereading this review I realized I probably sound harsh (and did my specialty of overusing exclamation marks), but I didn’t mean to be! I think you are an awesome writer, and this made me want to go check out your other story :D

I’m curious, though. What is this related to if it is labelled as fanfiction? Anyways, nice job, and keep up the great writing :)

- Maverick

Most of the edits were done by @CuriosityCat. And they are probably going to continue to be edited, thanks! And the characters, except for Zhia (My alter ego XD) are from my friend's book, ZAC. And for it being fan fiction? The hint's in the title. (Cat, DON'T TELL MAVERICK.)

Thanks for these! I'm editing now. :)
Maverick, if you want a hint, check out Zhia's wall for things that start with R... :D

Glad I could be of help :) So, after following CuriosityCat's advice and creeping around a bit, may I make a guess and say that the fanfiction has something to do with the Ranger's Apprentice series (and the addition of R in the title)? I could be very, very of with that, though.

You are correct! ;D

Wait... You are familiar with the series? If you are, then i'm hyperventilating right now...

Haha, I just noticed on your profile that you seem to like it very much ;) Actually, I have read the first few books, but that was a while back and I can%u2019t remember all that much. I do recall in one they burnt down a bridge, and in another, the main character (Will, right?) and a female companion were kidnapped or something and enslaved, and it was winter, and Will got addicted to some drug, but then they escaped and the girl slowly got him off of it while in a cabin and yeah :/ It%u2019s not all that much, just snippets here and there. Sorry to disappoint! But from what I remember, it was quite enjoyable, so I can appreciate and understand your enthusiasm ;)

XD it's ok. Just make sure Cat doesn't read this, she hasn't read that far yet. Although that is what happened...

Oh no, I'm sorry! D: Here, I will attempt to forewarn...
CAT, PLEASE LOOK HERE FIRST; MY ABOVE COMMENT HAS SPOILERS TO FUTURE EVENTS IN THE R. A. SERIES SO DO NOT READ IT.
Do you think that'll work or should there be a more suitable warning (ie. wall post, etc.?)

nah, it's perfectly fine, seeing as I FINALLY got her to read the series, but I'll let her know tomorrow. It's no big deal. :D

Alrightie, thanks :) Well, I wish you lots of good luck with your story!

Don't worry, I have not read the comment, Maverick. :) But thanks. I'm currently just a few chapters through the second book.

User avatar
Evander
Review
Evander wrote a review · Sun Sep 07, 2014 5:33 pm

Hello, Zhia! I am here to review ZRAC! Now, I hope I've improved in reviewing since I reviewed ZAAC so I can give you better feedback! I am sorry if I appear harsh or emotionless throughout this review, I am tired and low on sugar and the things that keep me happy! This will be filled with exclamation marks and smiles to keep you (the awesome author) entertained!

Right off the bat I see you have started off with a dream. Now, that's one way to start off a book! However, some readers find that cliche. I have read many articles on starting stories with dreams and they say, "Don't do it." It's user used and makes the reader feel cheated in some way. Like what they had just read, the emotion you had just stirred up, did not matter at all. (Another thing I would like to add. Usually, dreams are put in italics so the reader knows that it is indeed a dream. Just something I would note.) Also, PM or message me over chat if you want to see the links to the articles. ;)

"Because i'm your sister, maybe?"

The 'I' in 'I'm' should be capitalized. ;)

Hm... Ending the chapter on a cliff hanger... What an evil thing to do. I like it! It keeps the reader engaged and wanting to read the next chapter. Ensuring you will have an audience for the next chapter... The description in the last paragraph was excellent. I could see everything and was holding on to the edge of my seat!

I see a lot of caps for emphasis. Perhaps, italics could be used instead? :) You don't really have to change that part, it's just personal opinion. :D

First paragraph, third scene, Zhia begins to describe the battle field. However, while it gives the reader the feeling of what is going on, I feel (again, personal opinion) like there should be some more descriptions.

I hope you get the next chapter out soon! I can't wait to read it! (Poor Zhia...)

Rae,

Yay! Finally! A review (in general)!Thanks! So, basically, the system is ti wrote the chapters, Cat edits them. So if you have nitpick sand things, let her know. :D

Thanks for reviewing!

I also feel that my writing has improved more over the summer. Do you agree?

I helped edit this a bit, and the "i'm" is my fault. :S

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Poopsie
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seems like a great story zhia, i mean it has potential, but their are a looooot of important things in the story you didnt explain

1: whos Zhia?

2: Where are we?

3: What happened?

4: Describe bellatrix, Selene, and Mici and their relation to the story

5: what are these powers and how did zhia and her friends acquire them?

just fix that up and proof it a few times and you'll be good to go :)

all the best
-Vers

(You might want to read ZAAC.... The previous story... This is the prologue for the second book lol)

Even if it isn't the best...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh

I thougth this was the first one o_O, excuse me while i bang face on rug for five minutes



Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein