Mt.Everest

Hey SkyeJane! First of all, thank you for reviewing my poem; I thought I'd return the favor!

So I really like the idea of this. My favorite lines were:

"I want to look down and see
the curves of the earth
and know that my screams won't be heard
where you walk"

and

"Because the curves of the earth speak of innocence.
But my voice froze
long before the cold set in."

I think, when you speak of the curves of the mountain, I instantly think of the curves of hips, and it gives it a sort of "human" aspect to me. The second line I pointed out about this is a little long, but I still like the image quite a lot.

I'm not as excited about the chorus, too be honest. I happen to loathe writing choruses myself, but it surely lacked the same sense that your verses had. That being said, it may be completely different when set to music, so take this critique with a grain of salt.

Either way, this was a lovely song, and I'd love to read more of your work in the future!

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

Hey Skye! Here to review!

So my initial thoughts when I first read this was that I actually really enjoyed it and thought they might sound quite good in a song with music and stuff. I really liked the metaphors that you used as I thought they were quite interesting. The Mt.Everest things was slightly (only slightly) obvious, but we can work on that .

As for critiques, firstly I found that it's a bit wordy and the lines are quite long. Obviously, I don't really know what style you were going for and what the music is like, but I think it's just too wordy for a song. Remember, your fans need to sing along to this, so you can't make it too difficult.

Secondly, i found the structure and repetition kinda of confusing. I do like the repetition about Mt.Everest and stuff but I think it was placed a bit... oddly. Either way, I still think the ideas behind this metaphor about Mt.Everest were quite nice. What I meant earlier on about it being slightly obvious is just that I'm pretty sure I've heard that line before. So maybe you could change it up a bit just to make it sounds slightly less unoriginal. Or, you could change other lines in the song and make those quite unique sounding.

Lastly, you do have a repetitive bit which could act like some kind of chorus. However, it doesn't really sound that catchy or something that people would be singing along to. I know it's not all about rhyming... but that would help because I think it just needs something like that... and a bit less wordy.

So, I hope this helped. PM me with any questions or if you'd like anything else to be reviewed.

Keep Writing/Lyricing!
-Arc

Hiya, Skye! Your good friend Aqua here!

I know when I heard this before, I didn't pay attention cause of the whole "Maths" thing, but now, since I got a good look at it in writing, I really, really like it.

And have I been rubbing off you? Or is it vice-versa? O.o

Anyways, this is really depressing. But I love the imagery and the way your lines just flowed so perfectly. This is why I say you could be an awesome songwriter! XD

If this wasn't a song, just know the "ooooooooooh"s would have been a bit awkward. xP
And maybe specify that this is, in actuality, a song? Lots of people would get confused otherwise and treat this as a poem. Especially if they click on it's direct link.

Now! Content!

Amazing song, really. And who cares about a chorus, right? Pshh! XD I certainly don't care!
The only thing I want to point out is this.

I remember when I walked down there
Icouldn't imagine the curves.
I remember when I walked down there with you
'till my voice lost warmth
and the cold called me.
oooooooohhh