Gripping to the wispy things;
Like lashes, or the remnants of a laugh.
Anything I can.
Anything that's still left.
But what I find scares me;
Substance stripped away.
Too many gaps for the mind to fill.
Enough that the heart can forget.
So I try to find loopholes,
And handholds,
And find myself falling.
That's when it comes to me;
The rushing of a voice.
Or perhaps just the wind.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wonderful! Your poem is written beautifully, and it's heart-touching. I can't offer many words to express my feelings, but it's beautiful. I love the lines,
"So I try to find loopholes,
And handholds,
And find myself falling.
That's when it comes to me;
The rushing of a voice.
Or perhaps just the wind."
They utilize imagery so well that I can just picture the persona falling through the air. It's amazing. Good job, and keep it up!
Hey!
Apple Dumpling Gang here for a review.
I liked the way you made it seem so hard for the persona to hold on to anything, and I feel that this poem has a really strong backbone, as when most try to grasp something so transient, they ed up writing in a more flippant way. But not with yours. This is fantastic!
I love consistency in a poem, and this poem was very consistent. You stayed on track throughout, and definitely made your intention clear.
I like this part the most:
This is because you have the persona 'grabbig' somethig, looking for something, and he hears a voice, only as it passes through him as well. The inevitable lack of substance applied to this persona was really nicely done. Great Job!
A thing I find a little off though, is probably the starting. It feels a bit clumsy, and I stumble over some of the words. The flow itself isn't very lucid. Maybe you could sement the portions? Or add in some rhyme? Those help to bring in some harmony, and could do wonders.
Also, on a side note, maybe the last line could be kept separate? I think it would make the ending a lot more impactful. Lines like
and
Are lines that actually pack a punch, but lose some of their force since they son't stand alone, or are not read in isolation. Use the space to your benefit!
Well, that's about it! I had fun reading XD
Keep Writing~
-Binder
Hi Binder! Thanks for this review! I really did want to space but YWS wouldn't let me no matter how much I edit
No problem SkyeJane! I learnt a handy tip from someone who reviewed me! Press Shift space when you want to add indents!
Sorry, its Shift (plus) Enter!
Hi. A well- written poem but the format could use a bit of work. The emotions expressed were great and so was the whole atmosphere created. This to my opinion was an abstract poem. I really liked your ending. my favourite lines were:
"Too many gaps for the mind to fill.
Enough that the heart can forget."
As I said, i loved the poem and hope to read more of your work.
- Anshira; red team
The only thing I don't like is the formatting. Are there supposed to be stanzas? I loved this poem because the language is simple and easy to understand, yet you managed to present layer after layer of emotion and meaning that the general reader may not understand.
I'm curious to know, who or what is this about? I'm assuming it's about a halcyon of some sort, a happy time for you that vanished. Or maybe it was not a happy time but a person that made you happy. Either way, your emotions were expressed brilliantly in this poem, bravo.
Yes,there were supposed to be stanzas but for some reason no matter how often I spaced it,it just went back to this whenever I posted it.You kind of have it spot on actually;it;s a person who made me happy but I can't exactly remember all the details about them..I wish I could but it's hard. Thank you for the review and the kind words,means a lot!
Yes,there were supposed to be stanzas but for some reason no matter how often I spaced it,it just went back to this whenever I posted it.You kind of have it spot on actually;it;s a person who made me happy but I can't exactly remember all the details about them..I wish I could but it's hard. Thank you for the review and the kind words,means a lot!
I liked that poem it resembles missing a friend or a loved one
That's exactly why I wrote it! @Lewys1991
This piece reminds me of what some of my closest friends are going through, and gives me insight as to what they're feelings, so thank you. The rhyme and rhythm blended perfectly with the sad aura of the entire poem, and I can almost see through the eyes of the narrator and I can nearly feel what they feel, so the descriptive language was stellar. Your tone towards substance being something torn away so easily stuck me, and I had to read that part a time or two over, and that doesn't happen to me very often. It takes a lot to put this much meaning into a short piece like this, so you did a great job!
Thank you soo much @WiteOak! I actually didn't put much into this,I just wrote it on the car ride to school. But,maybe the reason it resonates is because of how much I feel every word. Thanks again for your lovely words!
Hi SkyeJane!
I really like the poem though it is depressing :'C
It's a well-written poem and I don't think there is anything to alter or any mistakes.
Keep up the good job and keep writing!
~Gigi
Thank youuu!
For some reason I couldn't space it sorry about that.