Come.
Steal away my agony and pain.
Bear me to a place fair to look upon
And leave me there to the glowing starlight.
Leave me to the butterflies that float upon the caressing breezes.
Leave me to the jewel of a sun,
Lying majestically on its blue cushion of silk.
Come.
Come to me as the hours grow long.
Come as summer falls to the anger of winter.
Come as the sun hides behind a thin white curtain.
Come,
For my need is great.
But you will not come to me,
Won’t leave your past life.
I live only in your dreams.
In life,
I fade.
The sun holds no more joy;
I no longer welcome its bright enchantments.
The butterflies lie still.
I can see no more.
Go.
Die.
Go from the world,
Don’t look back:
There is no one there for you.
How dare you imprison me in this living Hell?
I am a prisoner of my
Thoughts,
Actions,
Dreams.
I cling to my last breath.
Slowly,
Your life ebbs away.
All is still.
I see.
We die.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello!
VioletFantasy here to review this very powerful poem. I think you did a wonderful job! I love all of the imagery you used, especially in this stanza:
“Come.
Steal away my agony and pain.
Bear me to a place fair to look upon
And leave me there to the glowing starlight.
Leave me to the butterflies that float upon the caressing breezes.
Leave me to the jewel of a sun,
Lying majestically on its blue cushion of silk.”
The imagery is absolutely beautiful. It shows a person longing for something that they don’t have, but could have with the help of someone else.
Also, I wanted to mention how you turn the imagery around in the second half of the poem. It is suddenly talking about how the joy in everything has faded away. I think this is very clever!
“ The sun holds no more joy;
I no longer welcome its bright enchantments.
The butterflies lie still.
I can see no more. ”
I only found one thing that I thought was a little odd. It is in this stanza:
“
Go.
Die.
Go from the world,
Don’t look back:
There is no one there for you.
How dare you imprison me in this living Hell?
I am a prisoner of my
Thoughts,
Actions,
Dreams.”
Thoughts, actions, and dreams are all capitalised. To stay true to the structure of your poem, I would suggest not making them capitalised. You don’t have to change it, though. It still is really good as is.
Overall, I thought this was awesome! Great job. Keep writing!!
I don't have anything I don't like in this poem honestly!
This poem was absolutely phenomenal. It was disconjointed (is that a word?) is some places but this part doesn't need to be changed at all:
"But you will not come to me,
Won’t leave your past life.
I live only in your dreams.
In life,
I fade. "
That right there is just way too beautiful.
Good work overall.
Overall, I liked it. I liked the description (I'm afraid of description so that's a rare thing for me to say).
I don't really like the breakoff at "my" here. Maybe you could rewrite it like this.
I am a prisoner
Of my thoughts.
My actions,
My dreams.
Otherwise, it was awesome.