shadowed nights and slicing moonbeams
opposite the scintillating sun
a kalaidescope of yawning abysses and crystal caverns
my heart skips beats as i recover beautiful memories
that will again be forgotten in the blink of an eye
never again to be remembered
"how can i feel nostalgia for a place i have never known?"
the trip of a lifetime is wasted away
on ghostly letters and invisible ink laced with tears
and the dark smudges of afternoon clouds
stain colored tiles laid for a parallel people who
might as well not exist
can you hear jesus talking now?
lick at the pools of ink
that run down hills to collect at your feet
the blood of a wasted nation
that could have been great
had it not nvented mirrors and day-stars
(that dont even shine that brightly)
not to mention flimsy heroes
bite through skin
flesh
bone
splinters of jagged white shrapnel
exploding suddenly through
shallow lines and undefined fears
that dont stalk through our nightmares
who says destroying is evil?
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Thanks for your input everyone! It's all edited up, but I would still like some advice in regards to the last line. You were right, "drifting, glowing shadows" didn't fit, but I don't think "who says destroying is evil?" is a perfect fit either.
Thanks!
Poetic…very poetic. This poem is wonderful
A bit more punctuation wouldn’t hurt-you can add some to make it better.
Shouldn’t some sentences begin with a capital letter-especially at the beginning of a new stanza?
Your writing style seems so mature-I admire it a lot.
I think you missed an “I” of the word ‘invented’ in this line “had it not nvented mirrors and day-stars”
I loved the 3rd line of the 1st stanza.
I wuold like it if jesus was not metioned, but thats just me.
Personally I loved the last stanza - I like the way it goes from a sort of free-fall to sharp and savage (good word Amice!). But the actual ENDING part, I didnt like much. It just kind of slammed to a stop, because the reader was going along thinking, oh yes this is nice and I understand this and yes following this tenuous sort of web of ideas and meanings and then bang, there's that line that makes no sense. So yeah, what I'm trying to say is that I dont like that last line. It bugs me. The rest of the poem was great- it was a window into a moment of thought, if you know what I mean, and made perfect sense to me (this is good, since at the moment not much does, including my own posts) in an abstract sort of way. So work on that line. Also, where you say "who might as well not exist", I think the "who" should be on the line above it. It makes it seem weird to be there, I'm not sure why. And, um, the "weak heroes" needs a stronger word, or maybe change "not to mention" - it seems to informal. Loved the bit about wasted nation and if it hadnt invented mirrors etc. A nice analogy, kudos.
Don't be afraid to share your honest opinion with me, I don't bite. ^.^
The reason it changed so quickly was because it was a freewrite - turned poem with virtually no editing in between. Don't get me wrong, that's not an excuse, but I did kind of like it raw, so I posted as is. I definitely see what you mean, and I'll look it over and see what I can do!
Thanks a bunch for the crit Amice!
(JUST MY PERSONAL HUMBLE OPINION)
This started out great, but about halfway through I wish it'd stopped or went another direction.
I like the use of some not-so-cliched words (scintillating v. shining) and the imagery. !!
I was a little disappointed with how it ended. Of course, it could be just me, but I thought the finish was unnecessarily savage...
Sorry
-Amice-