Young Writers Society

I don't know what those other people are talking about, this poem is really good. And as far as the whole pointless thing goes, who said you had to write for a reason? (I'm not saying you didn't write it for no reason, but I'm arguing against their point of view ;P)Can't one just write for the sake of writing? That writing is their passion and that is reason enough? Forming phrases and sentences, using beautiful words, not so that something might be said but something might be read and spoken aloud, so that the sweetly woven words might delight the tongue and enchant your very lips? Maybe they're just jealous lol.
You have a wonderful knack for poetry, but I have to say, I hope none of your real feelings stem from this at all. It may be good, but it's sort of depressing =( that's my only thing.

Hello!

First let me correct these few grammer mistakes.


Die.

Why is that word, (add a comma)

Only one little word, (another comma)

Such a beautiful song?

Why do I relish in its (it’s, not its)

Sound?

Taste?

Caress?

The shiver in the air

As it leaves your lips?



Why?

Why do you look at me

In that way?

I know glee as you stare

In disgust; (maybe instead of the periods, use a semi colon,)

In hate; (same as suggestion above)

In fear; (same ^_^)

You fear me.

Fear, I smile.

Fear me.

But first, I beg you look at me

And whisper

Die.


I really liked this poem. Very strong! Sorry this crit was short, it's dinner time and mum just called!

Keep up the good work!

-Sadie

Pointless, maybe, but it gives me shivers. I think you've seized on a really good idea. The first stanza not only captures the idea of what one can express but also begins to develop the narrator behiind the words. I just think it's a shame that the poem isn't longer and the ideas more developed. The second stanza doesn't really compare to the first and in fact the ending seems rushed with little relevance.
Maybe you could think through your idea a little more and try to develop a story behind the words that is not expressed directly in the poem, but indirectly in what is said. I really like the concept and I hope I've been helpful.

this is an original idea, and that suprised me. how original can a poem be when the first line is die? but you pulled it off really well, especially with the pacing/spacing of the words. however i think you can do without that first question in the second stanze; it seems to run counter to everything else you are saying. why do you ask why the person looks at you like that if you are enjoying it so much? it just doesnt seem to fit. other than that this is a nicely written poem and just creepy enough without trying too hard to be creepy.

I don't quite understand how a word can caress you, so in a way this poem seemed almost suicidal to me. But I agree with scissorquiz who said that it was good because it didn't have so much padding around every area. It was just blunt, and strait out. Good job, I like it.

I don't much like it. It's just. Well, it's missing something. It's missing a lot for me. When you say die, I don't feel anything. Do you believe what you're saying there or are you just writing?

I don't really feel there are too many 'fear's in the last part. I think repitition suits a poem sometimes, and this was one of those times. This was a good poem, to be honest I didn't really expect the ending. I mean, I didn't expect a fluffy ending, but that's not what I expected. So that was great! The only real criticism I have is, maybe it would look better if you didn't have the punctuation at the end of the lines. That way, it wouldn't be broken up and it would have more of a flow.

First, I would like to thank all three of you for reviewing my poem. It has been so long since I wrote poetry; this is the first thing I've written lately that I deemed postable.

CAG77, you brought up a good point. I felt the same way, but I hoped that the ending of the second stanza would somehow tie it together. Guess I failed, eh? I'll try to rework it.

Fire: I think I was trying to distance myself from emotion on purpose. I was thinking that this was mostly from a higher being, or at least someone who thought themselves above others. Think the Gloamglozer from the Edge Chronicles. I get where you are coming from when you say there are too many questions also. What would you say about getting rid of some of those question marks, just to clean it up?

scissorquiz: Welcome! I understand where you are coming from with the "sugary" idea. I do have an alternate ending bouncing around inside my head, but I don't think that it would have had the same effect (maybe that's a good thing?).

And does anyone else feel that there are too many "fears" in the second stanza. My inner editor is screaming that it is so, but no one has brought it up yet.

i would have liked it better if instead of closing it with the idea that you want to hear the person you are speaking to say 'die', you had wanted the person to die. you could have been sweet and sugary and made the ending suprising.

this is the third poem i've read on this site and i think i like it the most, mainly due to the fact that you didn't have a bunch of padding around every idea.

I didn't like this. It seemed sorta...pointless. Perhaps with more emotion shown in it, it might look like you care.

Note: I don't like so many questions in the poem. And I didn't really understand it.

Well, perhaps you should add a little more. I really liked the concept--I have to give you that--that was really good. However, you just seemed to jump from subject to subject so quickly not really giving it the time to connect, and it truly sounded like a drunk man walking down the street in the middle of the night talking to himself.