Published April 20, 2006
in your mind,
jagged melodies are cutting
themselves to pieces
while a senseless snarl of sound
disintegrates into lilting lyrics and
bass-lines that reverberate in
your chest cavity.
in your mind,
lips rasping against a
cold microphone is music
unto itself.
in my mind,
i take a moment to rewrite
another one of our conversations
but ghosts of melodies you whispered
to me long ago keep interrupting.
in my mind,
thoughts are made of
fragmented words and stolen songs
while your thoughts i can never begin
to capture with my own.
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141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
I just wanted to say how brilliant your rhythm and flow is! I read it out loud, and the words just slipped off my tongue. It flows so perfectly that it feels almost slippery to read. Great work!
Perfect description that matched the concept imaculately. Good job.
This is beautiful. And the "volume" that timjim speaks of was at the perfect level for this poem. I'm just a mediocore range, but this was soft, gentle, graceful - everything I wish I could write. As also was warned, just don't let out attention dwindle. I almost came close, but the writing was too good, so I didn't this time.
Loved the use of alliteration. Don't see that often any more.
Poems have volumes. Sometimes you will read the first line of a poem, like Dylan Thomas' Do Not Go Gentle into That Goodnight, and the volume is turned up all the way. But here, although you have very nice imagery, and some good language, the volume is low. Low volume is not always a bad thing, but if it's too low it can slide under the radar. i think that is the case here. Reading this poem, you can kind of glaze over, because it is very gentle. If it were bad, it would stick out at you. But, you want your good writing to stick in people's minds. Revise this, keeping in mind that you want the poem to be strong, while maintaining all the original gentleness. That's a tall order, but I think from reaing ythis you will be able to meet it.