Published February 27, 2005
I watch your IM conversations
u r so hott
Back and forth
Endlessly
How can you stand it?
For a moment
I wonder what it's like to be
Hott.
I'd have long, silky hair
That I'd constantly twirl around my finger
And laugh in the face of the world.
I'd wear
Miniskirts and
Heels and
Too much make up
And guys five years older than me would call me
Hott.
I begin to laugh at the very thought.
You turn away from the glowing computer screen,
One perfectly plucked eyebrow raised quizically.
"You're so weird," you say with a trilling laugh.
Better Weird than Hott.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
I enjoy your subject matter in some respects, though I feel as though you are entertaining a double standard that leaves you just as judgemental as the class of teens you are critiquing. Sure there are plenty of people who fall into the stereotype of being brainless and captured in their own quest for self-applause, but they don't necessarily wear heels and skirts and makeup.
Although Im probably looking too much into a poem that was written with a light heart, I would just like to throw in my two cents about the double edged knife that is judgement.
The end fell flat on its nose; it might work as rap but as a text alas it turns to bluster.
I really liked this- the feeling, the twist at the end, the tone. Boy have I been there.
I want to caution you, though. Do you want this to make sense to readers 5, 10, 20 years from now? The envy and the pride will still be there then, but your reader might not know what AIM is anymore. I think "u r so hott" will still make sense, but technology changes much faster than language. Timelessness is a good thing.
lol amusing stuff!
(Sorry...I just really like the way it dances!)
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... did I get my point across? This was really, really funny... Of course, it doesn't apply to me, but very funny and good message. I loved the interet chat style you used. I agree with PsyLynx, the people who need to read it, never will.. good job though!
Man, when I first red 'u r so hott' I groaned. God, I hate that, but you really turned it around and made it funny, if not.. well, interesting. Very interesting. So good going.
A clever message was used, however I think it could have been conveyed better. I would have enjoyed it if you had carried on the 'u r so hott' mocking line and used it further in the poem, or attempted to use this sort of ironic fun-taking of an IM conversation, by structuring it differently etc.
it's a good message. Unfortunately, the sort of people who need to hear this message aren't the ones who read poetry....like writing a book entitled "how to read."
I thought this was really funny...and...true. I love the line 'u r so hott' that's cool. And it fits in with the whole AIM thing...
The only thing that I noticed was that you kind of lose it near the last stanza. If you could kinda pull it back together...yeah, i think you get the point.